Michael Scott: You lit your hair on fire today. What about tomorrow? What is going to happen when you come into work and you're dead?
Dwight Schrute: I stab her in the brain with a wooden stick.
Dwight Schrute: [to the camera] There are several ways to kill a zombie, but the most satisfying is to stab it in the brain with a wooden stick.
Michael Scott: I need to find ways to push Meredith to the bottom. I think I can do it. I did it with Jan.
Angela Martin: I am not going to judge Phyllis for desecrating Christmas. There is one person who will, though, and Phyllis just stuffed him into a drawer.
Andy Bernard: When I was in college, I used to get wicked hammered. My nickname was "Puke." I would chug a fifth of So-Co, sneak into a frat party, polish off a few people's empties, some brewskies, some Jell-O shots, do some body shots off myself, pass out, wake up the next morning, boot, rally, more So-Co, head to class. Probably would have gotten expelled if I'd let it affect my grades, but I aced all my courses. They called me "Ace." It was totally awesome. I got straight B's. They called me "Buzz."
[during the intervention, Michael reads questions to Meredith]
Michael Scott: "Have you ever, under the influence of alcohol, questioned the teachings of the Mormon Church?"
Oscar Martinez: Where did you get this?
Michael Scott: I got it on a website. That's not important.
Meredith Palmer: I don't mind telling you that I have an addiction. I do. To porn.
Michael Scott: All right, no, no, no, no. That is... The image, I think we all can agree, is very disgusting...
Dwight Schrute: In the Schrute family, we believe in a five-fingered intervention. Awareness, education, control, acceptance and punching.
Jim Halpert: Do you take requests?
Andy Bernard: Sure.
Jim Halpert: Please stop, because we're having a Christmas party.