Cpl. Ray Person: [in response to a child's letter] Dear Frederick, thank you for your nice letter, but I am actually a US Marine who was born to kill, whereas clearly you seem to have mistaken me for some sort of wine sipping, communist dick suck. And although peace probably appeals to tree hugging bi-sexuals like you and your parents, I happen to be a death-dealing, blood-crazed warrior who wakes up every day just hoping for the chance to dismember my enemies and defile their civilizations. Peace sucks a hairy asshole, Freddy. War is the mother-fucking answer.
Cpl. Ray Person: Look at this shit, how come we can't ever invade a cool country, like chicks in bikinis, you know, how come counties like that don't ever need Marines, I'll tell you why, it's lack of pussy that fucks countries up, lack of pussy is the root fucking cause of all global instability, if more hajis were getting quality pussy, there'd be no reason for us to come over and fuck em up like this, cause a nutbusting haji, is a happy haji.
Sgt. Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: Ray, how much ripped fuel have you ingested.
Cpl. Ray Person: I'm on it like a mother fucker Brad, haha!...
Sgt. Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: Well, no more of that shit...
Evan 'Scribe' Wright: An interesting theory though.
Cpl. Ray Person: Yeah, yeah, you should quote me on it, you know what, you should definitely quote me on it, this whole thing comes down to pussy! Look, if you take the Republican Guard and comp their asses for a week in Vegas, no fucking war!
Evan 'Scribe' Wright: So the war is not about oil or WMDs.
Cpl. Ray Person: No, in the opinion of this Marine, its about pussy.
Evan 'Scribe' Wright: And its not about Saddam.
Cpl. Ray Person: No, Saddam is just part of the problem, if Saddam invested more in the pussy infrastructure of Iraq than he did in his fucking gay ass army, then this country would be no more fucked up than say, Mexico.
Sgt. Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: Ray, please shut up... thank you.
Evan 'Scribe' Wright: AAA batteries, dip, Skoal, Copenhagen, baby wipes, flavored pringles in a can and adult diapers. As requested. Why do you need me to get all of this stuff?
Sgt. Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: In the infinite wisdom to whoever runs the military post exchange store, they won't sell this stuff in quantity to military personnel. But, for civilians like yourself, the sky is the limit.
Evan 'Scribe' Wright: And why is that?
Cpl. Josh Ray Person: To Keep us angry. If Marines could get what they needed when they needed it we would be happy and wouldn't ready to kill people all of the time. The Marine Corps is like America's Pitbull. They beat us, mistreat us and every once in awhile, they let us out to attack someone.
Sgt. Tony 'Poke' Espera: All these other grunts look up to Recon like we're cold blooded warriors. We're carnivorous mother-fuckers dawg!
Evan 'Scribe' Wright: Why are we going to a PX at an Army Camp?
Cpl. Josh Ray Person: Marines don't need a PX. We are about to loot and pillage a country.
Cpt. Craig 'Encino Man' Schwetje: Check it out, I taped my windows so I could turn my laptop on without enemies seeing the light. Cool, huh?
Lance Cpl. Harold James Trombley: How come we're not there yet?
Cpl. Josh Ray Person: Maybe because a certain severely retarded company commander by the name of Encino Man who, in his infinite retardation, duct-taped his Humvee windows. Thought he was being all tactical and shit, until Bravo missed the turn at the checkpoint 'cause retard couldn't see out his fuckin' truck.
Cpl. Ray Person: This whole thing comes down to pussy! You take the Republican Guard and comp their asses for a week in Vegas. No fucking war!
Sgt. Larry Shawn 'Pappy' Patrick: We all have a job to do. Sgt Maj. Sixta's job is being an asshole... and he excels at it.
Lt. Col. Stephen 'Godfather' Ferrando: The general has asked this battalion to be America's shocktroops, and Godfather can't tell the General 'We don't do windows'.
Sgt. Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: Wake up Trombley. You're missing the invasion.
Cpl. Josh Ray Person: Hey, War Scribe. Do you want some dip? The first couple times I dipped I puked a little. But, as long as you don't get it in Brad's Humvee, we won't mind.
Sgt. Maj. John Sixta: Do you read me Sgt Patrick? You has 'til O'dark hundred to unfuck yourself.
Cpl. Evan 'Q-Tip' Stafford: Yo reporter, what are you wearing man
Evan 'Scribe' Wright: Boxers. Why?
Cpl. Evan 'Q-Tip' Stafford: It's going to be hot maggot. Me? I'm free-ballin all the way to Baghdad.
Sgt. Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: Trombley, why are you wasting food?
Lance Cpl. Harold James Trombley: I'm going to shoot me a dog.
Sgt. Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: No Trombley you aren't. We don't shoot dogs, we shoot people.
Sgt. Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: Our first contact with armed Iraqis and we wave them off like bitches.
Cpl. Gabe Garza: I had a beautiful head shot.
Sgt. Rodolfo 'Rudy' Reyes: We all did brother.
Cpl. Josh Ray Person: You know what happens when you get out of the Marine Corps? You get your brains back.
Sgt. Antonio 'Poke' Espera: People been fighting over this bitch since ancient times, Dog. How many graves we standing on? Think about all the wisdom and science and money and civilization it took to build these machines, and the courage of all the men who came here, and the love of their wives and children that was in their hearts. And all that hate, Dog. All the hate it took to blow these motherfuckers away. It's destiny, Dog. White man's gotta rule the world.
Cpl. Josh Ray Person: Dear Frederick. Thank you for your nice letter but I am actually a U.S. Marine who was born to kill, whereas you have clearly mistaken me for some sort of wine-sipping-communist dick-suck. And although peace probably appeals to tree-loving bisexuals like you and your parents, I happen to be a death-dealing, blood-crazed warrior who wakes up every day just hoping for the chance to dismember my enemies and defile their civilizations. Peace sucks a hairy asshole, Freddie. War, is the motherfucking answer.
Sgt. Maj. John Sixta: Your president is watchin'! Amerikee is watchin'! But more important: Godfather is watchin'! Make no mistake: There! Will! Be! No! Fuck-ups! Marines around this world, would gives their left nuts to be, where you are! Anybody not want to go?
Marines: NO SERGEANT MAJOR!
Sgt. Maj. John Sixta: Marines: kill on three. One! Two! Three!