5th Annual End of the World Tour (2007 TV Special)
Christopher Titus: You know your president is in bad shape when the only way to take attention off of him is have the vice president shoot a buddy in the face.
[about his father's last wishes before he died]
Christopher Titus: "I want to be cremated. Then I want to you to take the ashes, I want you to put them in a douche bottle, find a hooker, and run me through one more time."
[moans and disgusted laughter]
Christopher Titus: On my children, I did not *write* that, I am *repeating* it.
Christopher Titus: My dad invented road rage. He wasn't the first guy to get mad in the car, but he was first guy to get mad enough to make the paper.
Christopher Titus: Here's how hot my wife is: on our first date, she started talking about kids.
Christopher Titus: And I still married her.
Christopher Titus: There was a guy last week back East who shot his wife at a Domestic Violence Center.
Christopher Titus: I think he misunderstood the sign.
[at the funeral home, making preparations for his father's funeral]
Christopher Titus: [as the funeral home director] "Mr. Titus, we are so sorry for your loss. Did your father have any specific wishes on how he wanted to be buried?"
Christopher Titus: [stammering] "Uh-huh." And I look at my sister, and before I can say a word, she goes "You tell it."
Christopher Titus: And the guy knew I had a TV show, so he showed the most expensive caskets they make. The guy shows me a seventeen *thousand* dollar platinum casket...
Christopher Titus: With a DVD player in it.
Christopher Titus: Why? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I went "What?" And the little lid that they open to view it, they put these headress monitor things in, it's a big one about this big. You can play a tribute video to the person in the casket while they're laying in the casket.
Christopher Titus: And all I could think was "My God, my family is so gonna fight over that DVD player."
Christopher Titus: And I said, "That's nice, um, but my dad didn't want to be buried in any metal. Or wood."
Christopher Titus: "Um, do you have something, uh... corrogated?"
Christopher Titus: "Pardon me, sir?"
Christopher Titus: "Cardboardy-er."
Christopher Titus: "Excuse me?"
Christopher Titus: "Cardboard. My father said he wanted to be buried in a cardboard box." And the man had obviously never heard this sentence before, because his face went into a epileptic seizure. Frankly, it looked like he tasted butt.
Christopher Titus: And my brother Dave tries to help. My brother Dave goes "hey, hey, hey. Not like a refrigerator box. Something *nice*!"
[at his father's funeral]
Christopher Titus: And everyone got up and told an honest story about my dad. Not some bullshit "this was the greatest man ever". Here's one of the actual stories from my dad's funeral. He used to go houseboating with a bunch of firemen every year up in Northern California. And they'd get drunk all day and sleep on top of the houseboat at night. Well, at night, instead of using the head in the boat, they'd pee off the top of the boat. Well one night, my dad gets up eight times, hammered, pees off of the top of the boat. They all get up the next morning to look where my dad's been peeing. All night, my father had been peeing off the top of the houseboat...
Christopher Titus: into the driver's seat of his own boat.
Christopher Titus: [mockingly holding back tears] That's a great story, isn't, lady? It's great. It's like he's here right now, isn't it?
Christopher Titus: And there was ten of those stories. So here's the funeral: hysterical laughter, weeping. Hysterical laughter, weeping.
Christopher Titus: And it was beautiful. And offensive. And perfect. And wrong. And then it was over, and everybody went home, and it was just me and my dad.
Christopher Titus: [sigh] So I peed on him.
[on the morning of September 11, 2001]
Christopher Titus: And the towers fell, and the first thing that went through my head was my dad's voice: "Well, you brought a new life into the world and the world's over. Nice timing, numbnuts!"
Christopher Titus: This is, verbatim, how I hear my father passed. I pick up the phone, the guy goes "Mr. Titus? Newark Police Department. Your dad's dead."
[murmurs from audience]
Christopher Titus: Yeah, pretty harsh, huh? And I didn't believe it, and I know a lot of comedians, so I said...
Christopher Titus: "Okay, fucker, who is this?"
Christopher Titus: "Sir, it's the Newark Police Department, your dad's dead, don't call me 'fucker'."
Christopher Titus: And although we had been expecting it for a long time, you are never ready for this to happen. And my brain just snapped, and I went into denial, and I said...
Christopher Titus: "Poke him."
Christopher Titus: And there's this really long pause. And the cop says "Excuse me?" And I said, "Poke him, he could be dicking with you."
Christopher Titus: And then I said something that was so wrong, and I did not mean it the way it sounded. I said "is the Viper okay?"
Christopher Titus: 'Cause I thought I had given him the death car. I thought he'd flown it off a cliff, I thought he'd wrapped it around a tree, I thought it was my fault. But the cop didn't hear that part of it, 'cause he goes "Sir, the car is fine. Again, it's your dad that's dead. Shall I poke the car, sir?"
Christopher Titus: I have a hot wife, I know that, because every guy that meets her, when she leaves the room, turns to me and goes "Dude, man, if you die... I'm gonna be all over that!"
Christopher Titus: "Thanks, dad."
Christopher Titus: I don't fail. I succeed at finding what doesn't work.
Christopher Titus: We thought O.J. was a fluke. Turns out O.J. was a trend setter! Since then, O.J., Peterson, Robert Blake, who got off on the "I couldn't have shot her, I left my gun the restaurant" defense.
Christopher Titus: Texas is a hell hole, man. Dirt, cactus, lizards, dirt, cactus, the Bush family...
Christopher Titus: ... dirt, cactus, lizards.
Christopher Titus: And then, at the end of the Peterson trial, my daughter... she turns to me and goes, "Daddy, are you going to kill mommy?"
Christopher Titus: "Honey, that's up to mommy, isn't it?"
Christopher Titus: It's time to step up or step aside. My dad taught me that. "It's time to step up or step aside. You don't get to bitch unless you're willing to do something about it." Of course, he always said that while he was sitting on the couch, drinking a beer, you know, yelling at me for not mowing the lawn.
Christopher Titus: "Well why don't *you* step up and mow it?"
[pantomimes flicking a cigarette into his eyes]
Christopher Titus: OW! That was a cigarette! Now I'm a pirate!
[to an audience member in the front row]
Christopher Titus: Lady, if you laugh and you don't make a noise, you're a shaker, and it's freaking me out.
Christopher Titus: By the way, like him or hate him, you have to admit President Bush has had the toughest presidency since Lincoln. This man has got to open the paper every day and just go...
[pantomimes opening a paper]
Christopher Titus: FUCK!
Christopher Titus: And Peterson's lawyer was brilliant. Garagos? This guy lied every sentence he said. "Scott was not trying to escape into Mexico". Really, counselor? Then why'd he look like the Hispanic Eminem?
Christopher Titus: "Well, he was in the pool too long". Who was he hanging out with, Aquaman? 'Cause I've been in the pool for ten weeks straight; my hair never went *clear*.
Christopher Titus: He wasn't going to Mexico; they caught him ON THE BORDER, fifteen grand in this pocket, English/Spanish dictionary in this pocket, wearing a sarape and holding a leaf blower.
[at Caesar's Palace after his father's funeral, after deciding he can't fulfil his father's last wishes]
Christopher Titus: My sister, who's way crazier than me, walks up to a *packed* blackjack table, pulls out a handful of my father, slaps her hands together, and goes
[slaps his hands together, as if wiping off dirt]
Christopher Titus: "MAGIC DUST!"
Christopher Titus: [to the audience] So as my three hundred witnesses tonight, let's be very clear. If I am ever brain dead, kill Titus. If I can not control the fluids spewing out of my own orifices, PLEASE kill Titus! If I'm not aware enough to pick which diapers I would like to be changed into, for God sakes kill Titus! - UNLESS... I'm really funny.
Christopher Titus: Face it, we are a warring people. This country hasn't done better economically or technologically UNLESS we were kicking somebody's ass. And, you know what? It's made us the strongest damn country on the planet EARTH!
Man in Audience: Yeah!
Christopher Titus: Yeah! Yeah! But... it's also cause some internal problems, 'cause some of those people we jacked up... live here now.
Christopher Titus: Good evening, black people. First of all, may I say you're right. You do dance better than us. But on the other hand, I, also, love chicken.
Christopher Titus: Don't mess with a nation that needs medication.
Christopher Titus: How do we help the church get their respect back? I have a plan: pedophile crucifixions.
Christopher Titus: And my daughter's too smart. She gets it watching TV. She gets it. She's five. She gets it. I... I have a smart kid; I don't want a smart kid. I'm gonna start feedin' her lead paint chips just to bring her down.
Christopher Titus: [in a story about road raging while his young daughter is in the car] Now I gotta take her home to her mother, and there's no duct tape in the car, so I went to the Walgreen's and got some benadryl. The seven dollar babysitter!
Christopher Titus: [on entertaining troops] I'm onstage in Fallujah, and the base is blacked out. And we're in the show with three hundred and fifty marines and they've got guns with them, like... like during the show. So, if they heckle, I'm just going to go, "You're right."