Dudley Sutton: Carter

Quotes 

• Jill Swinburne : [In the crowded staff room]  Did we see you laughing, Mr. Carter?

  Carter : We have *all* been laughing, Mrs. Swinburne.

  Trevor Chaplin : What happened? Did you run over the lollipop lady?

  Carter : [Indicating a note pinned to the noticeboard]  We've been laughing at the headmaster. Let me show you Mr. Wheeler's latest joke. This year he is leading the school trip in person. Six days and nights in Holland and he's asking for volunteers. Volunteers, I mark you! To travel with the spotty adolescents and with *him*!

  Trevor Chaplin : Is it free?

  Carter : Of course it isn't free - you pay your own expenses. The man's a fool! Bribery might work... or intimidation! He is appealing to our sense of duty - it's sheer madness!

  Trevor Chaplin : Heretical, isn't it? If the kids know Mr. Wheeler is going, none of them will want to go! They'd rather go for a picnic on the M62 motorway!

  Jill Swinburne : We'd better check the kids' noticeboard just in case they have been tempted!

  Carter : Good thinking! You're a remarkably intelligent woman, Mrs. Swinburne... quite apart from the eroticism you bring to my dreams!

  Jill Swinburne : No wonder you need bi-focals!

  Carter : [Referring to the headmaster's somewhat slimy personality]  Mr. Wheeler put up the notices personally, therefore all we have to do is follow his silvery trail!

• Trevor Chaplin : [Examining Mr. Wheeler's notice inviting the students to partake in the school trip]  Not a signature in sight!

  Carter : Nonsense - I can see at least two signatures, even with my failing eyesight!

  Jill Swinburne : Read them.

  Carter : [Looks more closely]  'Sergeant Ernest Bilko' and 'Francis of Assisi'.

  Jill Swinburne : Not in my class.

  Trevor Chaplin : And they never turn up for woodwork.

  Carter : Excellent! Mr. Wheeler alone in Holland! Perhaps somebody will ask him to plug a dyke!

  Carter : [the school bell rings and some students pass by]  Ah! Shall we thrash some knowledge into some skulls?

  Carter : [to one of the students]  Haircut!

  Jill Swinburne : It's a girl!

  Carter : The bi-focals, Mrs. Swinburne! THE BI-FOCALS!