James Bolam: Trevor Chaplin

Quotes 

• John : Would you like some tapes?

  Trevor Chaplin : Jazz tapes?

  John : [Jokingly]  Are there any other kind?

  Trevor Chaplin : Great!

  Jill Swinburne : [Indicating Trevor's huge music collection which has taken over her house]  He's down to his last two thousand!

• Jill Swinburne : [Referring to John]  He was really weird, that barman.

  Trevor Chaplin : What was weird about him?

  Jill Swinburne : All that 'I love you madly' stuff!

  Trevor Chaplin : That's just a quote from Duke Ellington!

  Jill Swinburne : Am I supposed to understand that? Or is it another seven hour lecture?

  Trevor Chaplin : A seven hour lecture.

  Trevor Chaplin : [Spotting Mr. Carter laughing uproariously]  Now that's what I call weird!

  Jill Swinburne : What?

  Trevor Chaplin : Mr. Carter laughing! He's never laughed in his life!

  Jill Swinburne : I'm sure there's a perfectly normal explanation. I expect somebody's been seriously injured!

• Jill Swinburne : [In the crowded staff room]  Did we see you laughing, Mr. Carter?

  Carter : We have *all* been laughing, Mrs. Swinburne.

  Trevor Chaplin : What happened? Did you run over the lollipop lady?

  Carter : [Indicating a note pinned to the noticeboard]  We've been laughing at the headmaster. Let me show you Mr. Wheeler's latest joke. This year he is leading the school trip in person. Six days and nights in Holland and he's asking for volunteers. Volunteers, I mark you! To travel with the spotty adolescents and with *him*!

  Trevor Chaplin : Is it free?

  Carter : Of course it isn't free - you pay your own expenses. The man's a fool! Bribery might work... or intimidation! He is appealing to our sense of duty - it's sheer madness!

  Trevor Chaplin : Heretical, isn't it? If the kids know Mr. Wheeler is going, none of them will want to go! They'd rather go for a picnic on the M62 motorway!

  Jill Swinburne : We'd better check the kids' noticeboard just in case they have been tempted!

  Carter : Good thinking! You're a remarkably intelligent woman, Mrs. Swinburne... quite apart from the eroticism you bring to my dreams!

  Jill Swinburne : No wonder you need bi-focals!

  Carter : [Referring to the headmaster's somewhat slimy personality]  Mr. Wheeler put up the notices personally, therefore all we have to do is follow his silvery trail!

• Trevor Chaplin : [Examining Mr. Wheeler's notice inviting the students to partake in the school trip]  Not a signature in sight!

  Carter : Nonsense - I can see at least two signatures, even with my failing eyesight!

  Jill Swinburne : Read them.

  Carter : [Looks more closely]  'Sergeant Ernest Bilko' and 'Francis of Assisi'.

  Jill Swinburne : Not in my class.

  Trevor Chaplin : And they never turn up for woodwork.

  Carter : Excellent! Mr. Wheeler alone in Holland! Perhaps somebody will ask him to plug a dyke!

  Carter : [the school bell rings and some students pass by]  Ah! Shall we thrash some knowledge into some skulls?

  Carter : [to one of the students]  Haircut!

  Jill Swinburne : It's a girl!

  Carter : The bi-focals, Mrs. Swinburne! THE BI-FOCALS!

• Trevor Chaplin : [Enjoying a brief moment of relived youth on the children's slide in a play area]  Wheeeee!

  Jill Swinburne : [Meeting Trevor at the bottom of the slide, indicating it's time to leave]  Come on.

  Trevor Chaplin : Awww... can I have another go?

  Jill Swinburne : [Strict, playing along with Trevor's indulgence]  No, you've had quite enough for today. Now do as your told! Come on!

• Jill Swinburne : [Following the encounter with Dave the Wimp]  What about your stuff about Judo and Karate?

  Trevor Chaplin : I never mentioned Judo and Karate!

  Jill Swinburne : You told the wimp you had a Black Belt!

  Trevor Chaplin : [Stands up and reveals his dark-coloured trouser belt]  I *have*!

  Jill Swinburne : [Stifling a laugh, quoting Duke Ellington]  Sometimes, Mr. Chaplin, you are very wonderful and I love you madly!

  Trevor Chaplin : Good! Hey, I thought we were going to the pub?

  Jill Swinburne : Oh, I'm sick of that lousy pub. Let's go home - we'll drink hot chocolate and play Dirty Scrabble!

  Trevor Chaplin : OK, that sounds really cool. Never really fancied Karate... but I was a killer at Origami!

• Jill Swinburne : [Mr. Peterson has broken into her house again, having intercepted her postage of a cassette tape]  I'm sending my Uncle Jack a tape because he likes George Formby.

  Peterson : [Expecting the cassette to actually contain a secret discussion about the dumping of nuclear waste]  Play it, please, Mr. Chaplin.

  Trevor Chaplin : [Referring to Jill's earlier assertion that she disposed of the secret cassette]  I'll tell you something for nothing: *this* tape hasn't been anywhere near a canal!

  Peterson : [Impatient]  Just play the tape, Mr. Chaplin!

  George Formby : [singing voiceover from the cassette]  I'm leaning on the lamp - maybe you think I look a tramp!

  Peterson : [Confused and grabbing the cassette tape]  We'll take this away and have it checked!

  Trevor Chaplin : [Sarcastically]  I think you'll find it's the *real* George Formby!

  Jill Swinburne : [to Mr. Peterson]  May I ask you a question?

  Peterson : You're welcome to try.

  Jill Swinburne : [Mr. Peterson hasn't actually introduced himself]  Do you have a name?

  Peterson : My name is Peterson.

  Jill Swinburne : I see. Thank you. That's all I wanted to know.

  Peterson : [about to leave]  I may well be back.

  Trevor Chaplin : [Feigning cheerful amicability]  If we're not here, just let yourself in!

• John : [Sees Trevor walking through the cemetery grounds]  Hello! Mr Chaplin, isn't it?

  Trevor Chaplin : [Somewhat stunned]  Yes... John the Barman isn't it?

  John : At your service!

  Trevor Chaplin : Why, you bugger!

  John : Are you here for a funeral?

  Trevor Chaplin : Yes - *yours*!

  John : Let's *both* go!