Okay, that sums it up. Okay-- Spoiler alert, but jeez folks...what's to expect?
Don't get me wrong...I like a B-grade late-night Friday Night Monster flick as much as any other guy...but this one was 'Ho-hum' with a lot of 'Huh? What?' moments that in a GOOD flick would at least be Shocking or Funny.
Ship crashes over-- or EXACTLY 200 -- years ago. Nature continues its course and a Tree grows atop it.
Farmer Brown pulls down tree and finds alien ship hull all A-glow and says NOTHING.
In comes visiting daughter bringing her boyfriend 'The Doctor' to see the parents on the ole homestead...
Except, OhMyGosh!-- He's a MARRIED MAN. And it's a SECRET. And that means the titular female star is a HOME WRECKER!
And WORSE-- He's NOT a REAL DOCTOR!
Except that I, the Viewer, am like: "So What? Who Cares?"
Meanwhile-- Back in town, the Sheriff and the Deputy are going to be drawn to this very same farm by the GOD-AWFULLY PREDICTABLE script because the DEPUTY and the Farmer's Daughter used to be an 'Item' before girlie went off to earn her fortune as a Model or something and left her small-town 'eh-meh' love behind in the dust-bin of mediocrity.
Again-- So What? Who Cares? When do the Monster/Aliens wake up already?
Fast forward-- Aliens FINALLY wake up. Pop out of ship after being underground for over 200 years...and they're hungry.
Yes... although they can cross interstellar space in a highly advanced spacecraft: all you can see is Grrrr/Growl/Howl/Clkikkk & Leap/Hop/Slash!
"Growl" goes the Dog. Om-Nom-Nom goes alien.
"OMG" goes Farmer. Om-Nom-Nom goes another alien.
No cooking. No forks. No knives. Absolutely grotesque table manners for Beings capable of Interstellar Space Flight, if you ask me. But I was already expecting too much. I mean, could they at least be FUNNY?!?!
Meanwhile back at the ole Homestead-- no-one notices that Farmer Brown and his trusty dog never come home for the night.
Then Fast Forward some more. Darkness. Aliens smashing windows, Bashing doors. A sheriff gets killed. Phones & electricity go dead. OMG-- something's upstairs in the Attic. Deputy and Woman go stairs with guns to check...
BTW-- the Philandering Married Man isn't Dead yet. The clock is ticking 'cause he shoulda been picked off at least 20 minutes ago!
..Meanwhile up in the attic-- dead bodies outside. Broken furniture on the floor, Busted windows open to the terrors outside & possibility of a man-eating, bullet-proof alien thing lurking behind you in the dark...
AND WHAT DOES THE WOMAN DO?
She puts down her rifle to start leafing through a photo-album of memories she finds in the attic.
Now we have to sit through an interminable: "We have to talk..." discussion between her and her small-town ex-love.
At this point: The Good Lord Save Me, but I just wanted her to die.
On the other hand, I learned something valuable: If you want to distract a woman, throw a picture album in front of her. It doesn't matter if the WORLD IS ENDING! A Woman is INSTINCTIVELY IMPELLED to look at Photos of herself. I'll bet even Female Zombie will stop and feel the urge to thumb thru the photos, allowing you more time to escape.
As for the rest of the movie? Robert Picardo is there with a few line.
Again: "So What? Who Cares?"
GirlFriend Rating for this Movie? Any Alternative She can suggest will be time Better Spent.
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