Captain Dickson: You are here because you some Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus lookin' motherfuckers.
Schmidt: When did I get stabbed? That's awesome!
Schmidt: I think I shit my pants.
Tom Hanson: Tom Hanson, DEA!
[to a handcuffed Domingo]
Jenko: You have the right to...
[forgets the Miranda rights]
Jenko: ... suck my dick, motherfucker!
Schmidt: Hey Korean Jesus.
Jenko: [while passing different cliques] Those are jocks, those are nerds...
Jenko: I don't know what those are...
Schmidt: What the fuck are those things?
Jenko: Hey, you want me to beat your dick off?
Domingo: [Looks surprised] You want to beat my dick off?
Jenko: I'll beat your dick off with both hands, let's go!
Tom Hanson: [pointing gun at Schmidt and Jenko] Goddamn it! Tom Hanson, DEA!
[pointing gun at Domingo]
Tom Hanson: On your knees! Now!
Officer Doug Penhall: Fuck! Doug Penhall, DEA! You're under arrest!
Domingo: What the...
Officer Doug Penhall: Put your guns on the ground!
Schmidt: Yes! Yes!
Tom Hanson: Shut the fuck up! You dweebs just ruined a five year investigation!
Schmidt: We had no idea, you're like, an amazing actor, man.
Domingo: You played saxophone at my sister's wedding, man!
Tom Hanson: Tough titty, I fucked her too!
Tom Hanson: You little turds. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to infiltrate a gang like this? You see this nose? This is a fake nose. You want to wear a fake nose on your fucking head? For, like, months on end!
Schmidt: There are worse things in the world.
Tom Hanson: We had to get fucking tattoos on our dicks, man!
Officer Doug Penhall: Actually, I just said that to mess with you.
Tom Hanson: What?
Officer Doug Penhall: It looks tough.
Jenko: Hey, man, look we know what its like being undercover. Metro Police, Jump Street division.
Tom Hanson: You're with the Jump Street? That's funny, because we were actually Jump Street.
Jenko: What? That's crazy, man!
Tom Hanson: Yeah!
Tom Hanson: [in disguise, regarding Schmidt and Jenko] If they're cops, I'm DEA.
Jenko: Fuck you, Glee!
Schmidt: [referring to a wall in his parents' house displaying many photos of him as a youth] It looks like I died in a car crash and you never got over me.
Schmidt: Lets make a baby!
Eric Molson: You know what they do to handsome guy like me in prison. It Rhymes with GRAPE. It Rhymes with grape.
Schmidt: Sir, if I have to suck someone's dick... I will but I prefer not to.
Jenko: You have the right to suck my dick, motherfucker.
Captain Dickson: Clearly, I wasn't talking to you, big titties! You cherub-lookin' mother fucker!
Captain Dickson: Hey! stop fucking with Korean Jesus! He ain't got time for your problems! He's busy... with Korean shit!
Schmidt: [after being forced to take HFS, Schmidt and Jenko try to imagine something nasty to make them throw up] Your grandma's vagina and there's a dick going in there.
Jenko: What the fuck, dude?
Jenko: Let's just finger each other's mouths.
Jenko: What are you doing, trying to find my g spot? Just stick it in. GO!
Schmidt: Is it me?
Jenko: I'm sorry, I just can't sometimes.
Schmidt: We're like, in the end of "Die Hard" right now, only it's our actual life!
Jenko: One particle of unobtainium has a nuclear reaction with the flux capacitor - carry the '2' - changing its atomic isotoner into a radioactive spider. Fuck you, Science!
Jenko: [raiding the evidence locker for drugs to take to their party] Got a pound of coke.
Schmidt: We are trying to show them a good time, not ruin their fucking lives.
Jenko: Pound of marijuana?
Schmidt: Best party ever!
Jenko: [after seeing Schmidt for the first time since high school] Not-So-Slim Shady? What's up, dude?
Jenko: Where do we report to?
Deputy Chief Hardy: Down on Jump Street. 37 Jump Street... wait, that doesn't sound right.
Captain Dickson: The mission is this: infiltrate the dealers, find the supplier.
Jenko: We get to be brothers?
Captain Dickson: [slams desk] Infiltrate the dealers, find the supplier!
Jenko: But if we find the supplier first, we don't have to worry about the dealers.
Captain Dickson: God damn.
Captain Dickson: Infiltrate the dealers, find the supplier!
Captain Dickson: Hey, hey! Stop fuckin' with Korean Jesus. He ain't got time for yo problems, he's busy wit Korean shit!
Captain Dickson: I know what you're thinkin': angry, black captain. Well guess what? I'm black, and I worked my ASS off to be the captain. And sometimes, I get a little angry, so suck a dick!
Jenko: Are you ready for a lifetime of being absolutely badass motherfuckers?
Schmidt: Oh, I am.
[Scene cuts. They are patroling the park on bicycles]
Jenko: I really thought this job would have more car chases and explosions... and less homeless people doodooing everywhere.
Captain Dickson: Are you comfortable?
Captain Dickson: Get your... motherfucking ass up when I'm talking to you! I know what ya'll thinking. Angry black Captain. It ain't nothing but a stupid stereotype. Well let me tell you something, I'm black, and I worked my ass off to become Captain, and sometimes I get angry. So suck a dick!
Jr. Jr.: We just shut down our second operation. Meanwhiles you two are fingerpoppin' each others assholes.
Schmidt: [mocking Jr. Jr] We ain't finguh-POPpin' each others ace-holes. We're getting shit done.
Captain Dickson: Teenage the fuck up!
Captain Dickson: [going over the rule of not having sexual relations with teachers or students; to Jenko] That's you, man. Don't do it. Keep that dirty dick inside your pants. Don't fuck no students, don't fuck no teachers...
Schmidt: Sir, I know we may look like a couple of lady-killers, but me and my partner will be super professional...
Captain Dickson: Clearly I wasn't talking to you, big-titties. You cherub-looking motherfucker. I was talking to your partner, fake-ass Handsome McGee here. When I'm talking to him, I'm talking to him. When I say "shut the fuck up," I'm talking to you.
Captain Dickson: They teenagers, man. They really stupid.
Captain Dickson: He's white, that means people actually give shit.
Schmidt: Um, I would just like to say that I would give a shit if he were black.
Mr. Walters: I need me some Doug McQuaid.
Principal Dadier: Alright, which one of you is Doug?
[neither Jenko or Schmidt reply]
Principal Dadier: Alright, let's try that again and pretend you guys aren't weird.
Mr. Walters: That's my quesadilla!
Principal Dadier: I am one gay black kid getting punched in the face away from a nervous breakdown.
Zack: You look really old. Were you held back?
Jenko: No. You look super young, were you held forward?
Deputy Chief Hardy: Do you even know the Miranda rights?
Jenko: It obviously starts with... you have the right to... remain an attorney...
Deputy Chief Hardy: Did you just say you have the right to be an attorney?
Schmidt: Well, you do have the right to be an attorney if you want to...
Jenko: [is asked if he knows the Miranda Rights] Look, it obviously starts with... you have the right to remain silent...
Schmidt: [whispers] You have the right to an attorney.
Jenko: You have the right to remain... an attorney.
Deputy Chief Hardy: Did you just say you have the right to be an attorney?
Schmidt: You do have the right to be an attorney if you want to.
Deputy Chief Hardy: We're reviving a canceled undercover police program from the '80s and revamping it for modern times. You see the guys in charge of this stuff lack creativity and are completely out of ideas, so all they do now is recycle shit from the past and expect us all not to notice.
Sanders: You punched me because I'm gay?
Jenko: What? No, I... oh, come on. I punched him and... he turned out to be gay afterwards.
Eric Molson: Get in the fucking car now!
Jenko: Not until you ask nicely.
Eric Molson: Please get in the car?
Jenko: I would choke the shit out of Glee if I could... if Glee was a person.
Schmidt: Hey, Melodie.
Captain Dickson: New assignment. Since you two cowboys love to drink booze, smoke weed with kids, and fuck anything with a big ass in jeans with low self-esteem, I'm gonna send you to a place where all that shit is allowed.
Jenko: Oh, I love Disneyland!
Captain Dickson: You two sons of bitches are going to college!
Annie Schmidt: What kind of a sick animal draws an ejaculating penis into a 8-year-old's mouth?
Jenko: It's arguably, like, an airplane throwing up.
Annie Schmidt: You think I don't that's a dick and balls? I know all about dick and balls! I partied with Robert Downey Jr. before he got sober, when he was really fucked up and a lot of fun!
Tom Hanson: You little dweebs just ruined a five-year investigation.
Schmidt: We had no idea. You're, like, an amazing actor, man.
Domingo: You played saxophone at my sister's wedding, man.
Tom Hanson: Tough titty. I fucked her, too.
Tom Hanson: You little turds. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to infiltrate a gang like this? Do you see this nose? That is a fake nose. Do you want to wear a fake nose on your fuckin' head for, like, months on end? Glue and shit?
Schmidt: Worse things in the world.
Tom Hanson: We had to get fuckin' tattoos on our dicks, man.
Officer Doug Penhall: Yeah, actually, I just said that to mess with you.
Eric Molson: You don't care about the environment? That's fucked up, man!
Jenko: The three keys of coolness in high school, by Jenko.
Jenko: One, don't try hard at anything. Okay? Two, make fun of people who do try. Three, be handsome. Four, if anyone steps you on the first day of school, you punch them directly in the face. Five, drive a kick-ass car.
[walks up to car they'll be driving in, Jenko sees it's an old run down car]
[having sex with Jenko in the end credits]
Ms. Griggs: Oh my God! You're like two Hardy Boys in one!
Jenko: Chemistry's the one with the shapes and shit, right?