Hot Tub Time Machine (2010)
Lou: Here's a question. Was it morally wrong for me to exploit my knowledge of the future for personal financial gain? Perhaps. Here's another question. Do I give a fuck?
Jacob: I'm kinda right in the middle of a thing right now, but can I text you later?
Girl at Club: Can you what?
Jacob: Are you online at all?
Girl at Club: I have no idea what you're talking about.
Jacob: How do I get a hold of you?
Girl at Club: You come find me.
Jacob: That sounds... exhausting.
Jacob: For your information, I've had a lot of girlfriends. Hot ones.
Lou: You have had lots of boyfriends. Gay ones.
Lou: [Trying to disclaim rumors of his impotence] I can't believe I'm fucking Adam's sister! I'm doing it! Oh God! I'm gonna cum! Shia Lebeouf! Dropping loads! So much fucking semen. Little Tiny Jacobs!
Adam: [to Lou] You are the patron saint of the totally fucked. You're completely toxic. There's nothing you can't kill. You're the fucking Violator!
Lou: [to Adam and Nick] Oh, man, what the fuck's he doing here?
Jacob: Nice to see you too, Lou.
Lou: [mimicking] Nice to see you too, Lou. Fuck you, Jacob! You suck and you know it! You just ruined my fucking weekend.
Lou: Fuckin' Russian energy drink, Chernobly. Its got this shit in it, not even legal here.
Adam: Whats in it?
Lou: How the fuck am I supposed to know dude, but it's illegal.
Jacob: [To Lou] I knew I hated you for a reason, I'm gonna tell everyone in prison I went back in time to kill my own father!
Lou: [On his knees] Oh, wow, good for you.
Nick: [Eyes closed, crying] I know, right?
Lou: It's like Gary Coleman's fucking forearm. It's so black, so impossibly black. Oh God, I love you buddy.
Nick: Don't say that!
Lou: I'm sorry, I do!
Nick: Lou, why would he do this?
Adam: Why? I mean make a list. He's an alcoholic, he's divorced, his wife ran off with that Jamaican guy.
Nick: He's failed at every jived ass money hustle he's ever tried.
Adam: He has a mountain of debt.
Nick: He hates his mother.
Adam: Hates himself, hates everybody.
Nick: He has erectile dysfunction.
Adam: He's got halitosis.
Nick: He's got that right ball! One less ball, shriveled up
Adam: Oh yeah!
Nick: ...like a... spoiled grape.
Adam: I don't know. It's just like an accumulation of punishment.
Lou: [Throws a pillow] FUCK YOU GUYS!
Lou: If that guy doesn't lose his arm soon, I'm gonna fucking take it from him myself.
Nick: Just like Cincinatti.
Adam: You're gonna bring that up?
Lou: We said we weren't gonna talk about Cincinatti ever, okay?
Jacob: Is that why you have that shoebox in your closet that says "Cincinatti"?
Lou: What? That's fucking admissible!
Nick: You keep it in the closet?
Adam: What was I supposed to do with it? You can't bury those things.
Nick: You wrote "Cincinatti" on it?
Adam: How do I know which one it's supposed to be?
Jacob: Is it a fetus?
Nick: My friends are ridiculous.
Adam: One little change has a ripple effect and it effects everything else. Like a butterfly floats its wings and Tokyo explodes or there's a tsunami, in like, you know, somewhere.
Jacob: Yes exactly. You step on the bug and the fucking internet is never invented.
Lou: Oh then you'll have to talk to girls with your mouth.
Jacob: Yeah. No. I was more concerned about bigger consequences like not being born.
Lou: Yeah. No. I don't care about that.
Lou: Every young man's fantasy is to have a three-way.
Jacob: Yeah not with another fucking guy!
Lou: It's still a three-way!
Jacob: [from trailer] Do I really gotta be the asshole who says we got in this thing and went back in time?
Lou: [to Jacob, while Lou is shocked that the former does not have ritalin] Don't fuckin' lie to me, every one of you people have ritalin.
Jacob: [to Lou] I have some Ativan but it's different.
Lou: Well, let's stick it up our asses!
Jacob: It's not a suppository!
Lou: It doesn't matter. You crush it up, put it in a paper towel, run it under some warm water, and you stick it right up your ass. That works!
Jacob: [Refferring to Lou] Do you remember when I was 12 and he tried to bite me.
Adam: Yeah, but you had that coming.
Lou: God. Relax. It's like you've haven't seen a little cum on your friends face before.
Nick: [Nick is having sex with Tara in the bathtub in order to keep the events of the past unchanged. Nick is crying about cheating on his wife] Courtney.
Tara: No seriously my name is Tara.
Nick: Not you, my wife.
Tara: You're married?
Nick: No, not yet, she's nine.
Lou: Why don't you shut your slut mouth, and mind your own fucking business?
Nick: It must be some kind of hot tub time machine...
[deadpans into camera]
Receptionist: I do have a reservation here for a Nick Webber-Agnew.
Lou: [overhears Nick's name] ... Webber-Agnew?, Webber *fucking* Agnew?, you took your wife's last name?
Nick: It's progressive, a lot of dudes are doing it.
Nick: [on being stuck in the 80's] How am I supposed to get a job?
Adam: Listen to me, man. That guy, that guy has pummeled you again and again.
Nick: He made you his little bitch!
Adam: He's humiliated you, emasculated you. The wheel of fate has stopped and dumped you here again, utterly defeated.
Lou: None of this is helping me at all.
Adam: I know, it's coming. It's coming right now.
Adam: Maybe you're supposed to do something different...
Blaine: What is this, girl talk? Let's go here, come on.
Adam: You're better than him!
Adam: Maybe not by a lot, but a little. You're the patron saint of the totally fucked. You're completely toxic. There's nothing you can't kill. You're the fucking Violator!
Blaine: The moment's over. Let's go!
Adam: You can do this! You can get us the fuck out of here! You can be the hero!
Adam: You love that song, don't you?
Lou: I love that fucking song!
[Lou gets up, launches himself one-footed off of the couch at Blaine. Blaine moves out of the way and punches Lou twice, knocking him back to the ground]
Lou: God damn it! None of what you said worked at all!
Lou: It's called male bonding okay. Haven't you even seen 'Wild Hogs'?
Jacob: [about Blaine] Hey look, it's the douchbag from Karate Kid 3.
Lou: It's the fucking 80's guys. Let's do what we want to do. Free Love!
Jacob: That's the 60's, dipshit.
Adam: We had like Reagan and AIDS. Let's get the fuck outta here, okay? Do the right thing, Violator!
April: What happened to your...
Adam: I got stabbed in the face with a fork, I saw it coming, I avoided it, I didn't avoid it, it happened to me in a different way.
Adam: Why don't you do something out of the house this weekend?
Jacob: What should I do out of the house this weekend Uncle Adam?
Adam: Something in the course of reality, get a job, go to college.
Jacob: That all sounds overrated.
Adam: Why do you waste your time with that second-life bullshit? Look at you. You're still in jail. You were in jail last week.
Jacob: Yeah, I'm a prisoner. It's called "doing hard time".
Adam: Can't you be like a warrior or shaman or orc or some shit like that?
Lou: If I wanted to kill myself, I'd fucking kill myself. I'd be awesome at it. A shotgun to the dick.
Nick: [upon seeing their hotel for the first time in years] Muthafucka.
Repairman: Maybe what you need isn't in here. Maybe what you need, has been in here all along.
Jacob: Is that why you have that shoebox in your closet, marked "Cincinatti" ?
Jacob: She dumped you... and you still got stabbed in the eye!