*MTV Movie Awards - June 1, 2008
(*the show where you can guess who has won by who has actually bothered attending)
Host Mike Myers, who's starring in "The Love Guru," which we'll be hearing a lot about I'm guessing, comes out to a standing ovation from a crowd filled with stars of TV, the big screen, and the Billboard charts.
He tells us that the show is completely live. His monologue contains a bad joke about high gas prices forcing Optimus Prime into taking the bus. Chris Brown in a weird leather military-style jacket reminiscent of Michael Jackson comes onstage and tells Myers not to just phone it in and pimp "The Love Guru." Myers challenges Brown to a dance battle. Brown is predictably amazing, Myers ain't no dancer but he holds his own. They mock the "Beat It" knife routine and then do a pas de deux in which Myers really gets on the good foot. (He clearly took tap dancing lessons at some time in his life.)
Award: Best Female Perrformance
Presenters: Will Smith, Charlize Theron, and Jason Bateman from "Hancock." Smith tries to get the crowd hyped up by call-and-responsing "fe-" and "-male" with the audience. Bateman is about to do the same with "Han-" and "-Cock" before Theron stops him.
Nominees: Keira Knightley, "Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End"; Katherine Heigl, "Knocked Up"; Amy Adams, "Enchanted"; Jessica Biel, "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry"; Ellen Page, "Juno"
Winner: Ellen Page
Speech: She pretends to kiss Bateman, her "Juno" co-star. (She's shorter than the microphone!) She marvels at getting the award from this trio. She says thanks very much to MTV and the voters. Diablo Cody applauds. She thanks the director, cast, crew, studio, and singles out Cody and then skedaddles.
Rainn Wilson, who calls himself a huge movie star, is sitting in the audience with an Anton Chigurh lookalike warning winners not to go over their allotted time or this guy will kill them with his air compressor.
Award: Best Fight
Presenters: Will Ferrell and Danny McBride of "The Foot Fist Way." Ferrell says that stopping illiteracy is the most important fight in the U.S.A., they then make bad illiteracy jokes. The jokes fall flat and they pimp their movies.
Nominees: Matt Damon vs. some dude, "The Bourne Ultimatum"; Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker vs. some dudes, "Rush Hour 3"; Alien vs. Predator, "Aliens vs Predator"; Hayden Christensen vs. Jamie Bell, "Jumper"; Sean Faris vs. Cam Gigandet "Never Back Down"; Tobey Maguire vs. James Franco, "Spider-Man 3"
Winner: Faris and Gigandet
Speech: Sean thanks MTV, agents, studios etc. Cam thanks, presumably, their fight instructor, and the fans etc. The Anton Chigurh lookalike comes on stage
Presenters: Edward Norton and Liv Tyler of "The Incredible Hulk" come on to introduce the night's first musical performers, Coldplay. They talk about the Brit pop-rockers' hits and activism.
Performance: Coldplay, "Viva La Vida." With a a string quartet on screen the band in their own military style jackets open up the stately, bouncy title track to their forthcoming album. The drummer is banging a huge upright bass drum and Chris Martin and the bass player are manning opposing keyboards. A rain of red confetti showers down mid-song. I think the confetti is shaped like hearts. The song is not terribly dynamic, sort of just strutting along. Now a shower of white confetti flies out. Now blue. Martin, who strolls around in the confetti rain, seems happy even though it sounds like his falsetto might not be quite pitch-perfect this evening. It's pleasant but not mind-blowing.
Award: Best Summer Movie So Far
Presenters: Seth Rogen and James Franco of "The Pineapple Express." They say MTV wanted two stoners like them to give this ridiculous award. They joke that in real life they do not actually smoke weed. They say on set it was all fake weed like this big bag Rogen has, and the joint Franco has, and the lighter Rogen has and uses to light the joint which they joke they are not smoking. (As we see good friends Rihanna and Chris Brown looking on wide-eyed and recovering addict Robert Downey, Jr. looking mildly uncomfortable to be put on camera at this moment). They joke it's not really, really good weed at all and for kids to not smoke fake pot like they are.
Nominees: "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull"; "Sex and the City: The Movie"; "Speed Racer"; "The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian"; "Iron Man"
Winner: "Iron Man" (Franco and Rogen now have the "munchies.")
Speech: Director Jon Favreau and star Robert Downey, Jr. accept. Downey thanks Franco and Rogen for the "intoxicating" introduction. Favreau thanks the fans, the cast, the studio,etc. Downey, Jr. signs off by thanking Coolio? Or maybe he was just saying "coolio." Oh these wacky kids and their lingo.
Film package: Myers in drag is playing "Tristan Davis" an Australian caterer who is dishing about what the stars like to eat, apparently a lot of Nutter Butters. A pregnant Jessica Alba - co-star in "The Love Guru"- comes in to ask for a sandwich. Tristan calls her fat. Jessica protests she's pregnant. They go back and forth. Oy.
Award: Best Male Performance
Presenters: Sarah Jessica Parker and Jennifer Hudson of "Sex and the City." They're momentarily put off their telemprompter banter by the love of hecklers shouting out in the crowd. They talk about the nominated actors "running" around in their movies and make a joke about how much harder it would've been in heels. SJP looks supertight in a supertight shimmery black mini-dress and Hudson is scrumptious, towering over SJP in a pink and white number that accentuates her, um, assets.
Nominees: Michael Cera, "Juno"; Denzel Washington, "American Gangster"; Matt Damon, "The Bourne Ultimatum"; Will Smith, "I Am Legend"; Shia LaBoeuf, "Transformers"
Winner: Will Smith, who brings up his son.
Speech: He says he remembers being on this stage in 1988 so to be here in 2008 is amazing. (Technically, wouldn't he have been on the MTV Video Music Awards stage back then?) He knows he hasn't always made great movies but says that he's been trying hard. He talks about dedicating his life to making everything he touches better. He thanks the fans for going to see the film even though he was the only one on screen for the first hour.
Yikes! Myers is doing a "Wayne's World" sketch and the audience gives the intro a standing ovation. Dana Carvey as Garth is with him on the old set. Garth admits it's been awhile since we last saw them. 1994. The big news: Garth's gotten pubes. They talk about Tila Tequila and how, since she goes both ways, she's satisfied no matter what happens when she sticks her hands down someone's pants. They then pantomime this, to the amusement of Paris Hilton and Benji Madden but to the shocked discomfort of Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Efron. They introduce a top ten list. It's the Top Ten Porno Names Based on Last Year's Hit Movies:
10. "Horton Hears a Ho"
9. "National Pleasure 2: Book of Secretions"
8. "I Am Legend... In Bed"
7. "The Suck-it List" (Jennifer Hudson doesn't get it). 6. "I Know Who Drilled Me"
5. "Scat-a touille"
4. "Gush Hour 3"
3. "No Country For Old Balls"
2. "Alvin In the Chipmunks"
1. "Iron Man"
Award: Best Comedic Performance
Presenters: Steve Carrell, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, and Anne Hathaway of "Get Smart." Steve and the Rock do a bit on Steve leaning in to the microphone unnecessarily. Carell says he thinks he can handle it. A heckler makes a joke we can't hear but that cracks up the audience. Then, thanks to Carell repeating it, it's clear the person yelled out Michael Scott's catchphrase "that's what she said!"
Nominees: Jonah Hill, "Superbad"; Amy Adams, "Enchanted"; Adam Sandler, "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry"; Seth Rogen, "Knocked Up"; Johnny Depp, "Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End"
Winner: Johnny Depp, who, OMG is back to his supershort, superslick "21 Jump Street"- "Cry-Baby" hair and looks edible. Lindsay Lohan gives him a standing ovation. Hill and Rogen, sitting together, jokingly give him the thumbs down. Diablo Cody grabs her chest in a gesture of, believable, faint-heartedness.
Speech: Depp says he doesn't know how this happened since he's not a very funny person. Not even remotely. He waves to the screaming fans. He calls it sweet and says thanks. Zac Efron wholeheartedly approves.
Award: The Generation Award to Adam Sandler
Presenter: Tom Cruise, who gets a nice reception from the crowd. He explains this award is the highest honor bestowed by MTV, given to an individual who has displayed significant cinematic achievement. He calls Sandler "The Sandman." He jokes about Sandler's career playing various "boys" and "mans" (Canteen Boy, Waterboy, Opera Man etc.) He jokes about him winning Academy Awards and a Nobel prize. He keeps calling him "The Sandman." He jokes it was "The Sandman's" idea for him to dance around in his underwear in "Risky Business."
Clip Package: Clips from Sandler movies including "The Waterboy," "The Wedding Singer" et. al.; "Saturday Night Live"; and even MTV's "Remote Control."
Adam Sandler, holding an electric guitar, pops up from below the stage to front a band playing Carly Simon's "Nobody Does It Better (The Spy Who Loved Me)." Behind him a huge screen is showing his clips as he sings "nobody does it better." When he gets to the "makes me feel sad for the rest" lyric, photos of Daniel Day-Lewis, Sean Penn, George Clooney, and, oddly, the Cookie Monster flash by. Of course he changes the chorus lyric "to baby I'm the best." A group of scantily clad dancers throw themselves around to the tune. Rob Schneider and Kevin James appear to do a little modern dance routine. It's ridiculous but the only truly funny thing that has happened all night.
Cruise comes to give him the award, and kneels before him. Sandler calls it the most arrogant thing he's ever done and thanks his family, his friends/writers, his fans, says hello to the troops, and thanks his wife and daughter and daughter/son to be. Very sweet. Tila Tequila agrees.
Ben Stiller, Robert Downey, Jr, and Jack Black do a filmed bit where they're trying to make a "viral video" for their movie "Tropic Thunder." This essentially involves Downey, wearing an "Iron Man" mask, pummeling Black, wearing a giant panda head, in the testicles.
Award: Best Breakthrough Performance
Presenters: P. Diddy, Lindsay Lohan, Verne "Mini-Me" Troyer. They fight over who will open the envelope.
Nominees: Christopher Mintz-Plasse, "Superbad"; Nikki Blonsky, "Hairspray"; Seth Rogen, "Knocked Up"; Chris Brown, "This Christmas"; Jonah Hill, "Superbad"; Megan Fox, "Transformers"; Michael Cera, "Superbad"; Zac Efron, "Hairspray"
Winner: Zac Efron.
Speech: He can't believe he was nominated. He thanks the other nominees. He thanks the studio, the cast, crew, etc. "Hairspray" co-star Nikki Blonsky and Vanessa Hudgens are proud.
Award: Best Villain
Presenter: Brendan Fraser
Nominees: Johnny Depp, "Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street"; Topher Grace, "Spider-Man 3"; Denzel Washington, "American Gangster"; Javier Bardem, "No Country For Old Men"; Angelina Jolie, "Beowulf"
Winner: Johnny Depp
Speech: Depp, in all his deliciousness, returns. Tila Tequila and Jon Voight approve. Winning two times in one night is "nutty" in his estimation. He thanks the voters, calls it a great honor, and thanks his fans for sticking with him on this "obtuse and strange road."
Four chicks-"American Idol" runner up Katharine McPhee, Rumer Willis, Anna Faris, Emma Stone- from the new movie "House Bunny" introduce the Pussycat Dolls.
Performance: Pussycat Dolls perform their new single "When I Grow Up." Shockingly, they're all dressed from head to toe. Kidding. They're wearing a variety of bustiers, bikini tops, hot pants, and garters. They're singing about wanting to famous. It's peppy with moving platforms, flashing lights, lotsa dancing and dancers.
Award: Best Kiss
Presenters: Rainn Wilson and Megan Fox. Wilson is shot so it looks like he's naked and only holding a dozen roses in front of his naughty bits. Fox asks why he's naked. He says since she's a lovely lady he bought her flowers. She declines to take them. He hands them over and has a teddy bear covering up the bits now.
Nominees: Shia LaBeouf and Sarah Roemer, "Disturbia"; Briana Evigan and Robert Hoffman, "Step Up 2 the Streets"; Patrick Dempsey and Amy Adams, "Enchanted"; Daniel Radcliffe and Katie Leung, "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix"; Ellen Page and Michael Cera, "Juno"
Winners: Evigan and Hoffman.
Speech: They think it's awesome and thank MTV and the fans. They kiss. For awhile.
Video Clip: Myers as "Bucky Eisenstein" movie animal wrangler. (Except he likes to think of himself more as an "animal dramaturge.") He has a bad mullet and is talking about all the animals he's worked with. We see him yelling at the animals and Jon Favreau and Elijah Wood trying to work with Bucky. Way too long with very little actual funny. Pretending to eat animal poop? Not funny.
Award: Best Movie
Presenters: Stiller, Black, Downey, Jr. RDJ gets his own very dramatic introduction from Black. Stiller and Downey continue their faux animus from the "viral video" with RDJ high on his "Iron Man" success and Stiller trying to undercut him by saying "I get it, you're in a hit, what's that 1 for 76?"
Nominees: "Transformers" (since director Michael Bay is there, my money is on him); "Superbad"; "National Treasure: Book of Secrets"; "Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End"; "I Am Legend"; "Juno"
Winner: Yup, "Transformers"
Speech: The extremely tall Bay thanks MTV, the cast, crew, etc and tells everyone they're starting to shoot the sequel tomorrow. Co-star Megan Fox makes a profane promise for its greatness.