Ron Burgundy: If you've got an ass like the North Star, wise men are gonna want to follow it.
Wes Mantooth: With the things I've done in my life, oh I know I'm going to burn in hell. So I sure as shit ain't afraid to burn here on earth.
Ron Burgundy: Oh my goodness! That's the most badass thing I've ever heard!
Brick Tamland: I can always guess how many jelly beans are in a jelly bean jar, even if I'm wrong.
Freddie Shapp: You're on the 2 AM to 5 AM slot.
Ron Burgundy: What? That's the graveyard shift!
Brick Tamland: I ain't afraid of no ghost!
Ron Burgundy: Who the hell is Julius Caesar? You know I don't follow the NBA!
Gary: Do you know what a psychiatrist is, Ron?
Ron Burgundy: [pause... looks like he's going to cry] Fuck you...
Ron Burgundy: I'm not trying to be funny, but are you sure he's not a midget with a learning disability?
Mack Tannen: What are you, Finnish?
Ron Burgundy: Oddly enough I'm full blown 100% Mexican. Straight out of the state of Oaxaca.
Veronica Corningstone: No, you're not, Ron!
Ron Burgundy: [shrugs]
Soul Brother: I'm so lonely, I paid a hobo to spoon with me.
Ron Burgundy: Andre the Giant gave a surprisingly nimble foot rub.
Ron Burgundy: The Tooth Fairy's exposed breast made the child uncomfortable.
Ron Burgundy: No offense, but you are a stupid asshole.
Ron Burgundy: Suicide makes you hungry. I don't care what anyone says.
Champ Kind: I believe in two things: Chicken, and that the census is a way for the UN to make your children gay.
Ron Burgundy: Which one of you pipe hittin bitches can pass the salt?
CBC News Anchor: There's not gonna be any fight without Scott Riles and the incredibly polite Canadian news team.
Canadian Anchor: What about the French-speaking Quebec News? The real voice of Canada!
CBC News Anchor: Give it a rest, eh?
Champ Kind: Give me a break! They can't have news. Nothing happens in Canada!
Canadian Anchor: That's not true! Sometimes people's feelings get hurt.
CBC News Anchor: And sometimes the lake freezes.
Brick Tamland: I like your ginger ale!
[At Madison Square Park, Ron runs into Jack Lime and his team]
Ron Burgundy: [shocked] What the hell?
Jack Lime: Well, hello, Ron. You out for a jog?
Ron Burgundy: Jack Lime!
[Parents and children scatter away]
Ron Burgundy: Where's everyone going? Please, I don't have time to talk, okay? I have to be somewhere.
Jack Lime: Well, that's funny. 'Cause I got nowhere to be because you pretty much destroyed my career. Do you realize what it did to me, by making myself call me "Jack Lame"?
Jack Lime: It was a living hell!
Ron Burgundy: I'm telling you, you have to let me go!
Jack Lime: Oh, don't worry. Four against one. This'll be over fast.
Brian Fantana: Maybe not so fast!
[Champ, Brick, and Brian appear to the rescue]
Ron Burgundy: My news team! Thank God!
Champ Kind: Ain't a day that will be or has been that we don't Ron Burgundy's back.
Jack Lime: Not a problem. When I done with these mutts, I gonna wipe my shoes on the curb.
Brick Tamland: Oh, yeah, Jack Lime? When I'm done with you, my mom's gonna pick me up and take me home.
Ron Burgundy: It doesn't matter whose fault the break-up was, I was stubborn, you were like a mentally ill whore from the 1800's.
Brick Tamland: I have a black man that follows me everywhere when it's sunny.
Ron Burgundy: Actually, I think that's your shadow Brick.
Brick Tamland: I call him Leon, he's about half as tall as I am, depending on what time of day it is. He likes to play the timpani, and he is a water color.
Ron Burgundy: What happens to him when it gets cloudy outside?
Brick Tamland: He goes home.
Ron Burgundy: Let's not down play the fact that that is Stonewall Jackson ghost right there.
Ron Burgundy: It's actually pronounced Sahn Dee-aaahh-go.
Wes Mantooth: You made one mistake today. You messed with somebody from San Diego.
[a dune buggy arrives with the "ET" team]
Jill Janson, Entertainment Tonight Reporter: It wouldn't be a battle without Jill Janson.
Wendy Van Peele, Entertainment Tonight Reporter: And Wendy Van Peele from "Entertainment News".
BBC News Anchor: Entertainment news is an abomination!
Wendy Van Peele, Entertainment Tonight Reporter: Who are you wearing today? Oh, look, it's your own blood!
Jill Janson, Entertainment Tonight Reporter: Today's celebrity birthday's: none. Today's celebrity deaths: All you trick-ass bitches.
Ron Burgundy: Now I'm not trying to sound funny here, but are you sure he's just not some midget with a mental disability?
Mack Tannen: You guys got room in this battle for an old war horse?
Ron Burgundy: Mack Tannen! What are you doing here? You're too old for this!
Canadian Anchor: I had a crush on him when I was a schoolgirl.
CBC News Anchor: You like it wrinkled, huh?
BBC News Anchor: Wait!
[the BBC News team arrives]
BBC News Anchor: Here's a headline for you: "Moronic Yank Wankerman Gets a Bloody Good Hiding from News Reader from a Superior Country". For we are the BBC News Service.
[the BBC news team yells]
Ron Burgundy: Oh, not now!
CBC News Anchor: Hey, everyone, if I happen to kill you today... sorry!
ESPN Reporter: Jeff Bullington, ESPN, all sports. Tonight's play of the day is me, extracting you spine from your dead body.
Freddie Shapp: Oh, hey Linda. I wanna introduce you to Ron Burgundy.
Linda Jackson: Hello Mr. Burgundy.
Ron Burgundy: Oh, black. You're black.
[Linda laughs awkwardly]
Ron Burgundy: I'm terribly sorry, I don't know why I can't stop saying: black.
Linda Jackson: Is this for real?
Freddie Shapp: I'm sorry.
Linda Jackson: [angry] No it's okay. Okay. So you have a black boss. And it's freaking you out. Is it freaking you out?
Ron Burgundy: A little bit.
Linda Jackson: Are you freaked out?
Ron Burgundy: To be honest
Linda Jackson: [yells] Is it freaking you out?
Champ Kind: Oh! She's got a knife!
[Brick hides behind a couch]
Ron Burgundy: I think you scared him. You can't shout at Brick.
Linda Jackson: We're not all here to hold hands and sing Kumbaya. So as long as you guys get numbers, we are gonna get along just fine. Now if you don't, I am gonna be icy and unpleasant. You dig?
Ron Burgundy: I dig. We all dig.
Walter Burgundy: Goodbye Doby. I hope you eat lots of fish and people.
Ron Burgundy: All right, everyone, listen up! By virtue of being on this battlefield, there is no return. People will die.
Jill Janson, Entertainment Tonight Reporter: I'm so horny right now.
Ron Burgundy: Some will be disfigured. In some cases, lasting friendships will be made. And as usual, no touching of the hair and face.
CBC News Anchor: Come on. What do we look like, rookies?
Ron Burgundy: When El Trousias, Maiden of the Clouds, blows the battle horn, let the battle begin!
El Trousias Maiden of the Clouds: [on top of the Flatiron Building; yells] I am El Trousias! Hear my siren song!
[plays the battle song]
ESPN Reporter: El Trousias... The Juicies'. Hmm.
El Trousias Maiden of the Clouds: That means you can start.
[giving the sports recap, featuring several home runs in rapid succession]
Champ Kind: Whammy! Whammy! Whammy! Whammy! Whammy! Whammy! Whammy! Whammy! Whammy! Whammy! Whammy! Whammy! Whammy! Whammy! Whammy! Back to you Ron.
Freddie Shapp: Uh Ron, Jack Lame is wondering if he can pronounce his name "Jack Lah-may"
Chani Lastnamé: Last night a bird chased me home, and I wished it was you.
Ron Burgundy: Don't just have a great night, have an *American* night.
Brick Tamland: The beauty of this soda machine pales in comparison to your beauty.
Ron Burgundy: [repeated line, when he first meets Linda] Black!
Ron Burgundy: [when coming up with name suggestions for Jack Lime] How about this one? You can call yourself Dick Fuck.
Brian Fantana: [referring to Jill and Wendy] I like the way they're put together.
Champ Kind: I like fighting girls.
Jill Janson, Entertainment Tonight Reporter: I like to cunt punt cowboys.
Wendy Van Peele, Entertainment Tonight Reporter: You eat pussy?
Jill Janson, Entertainment Tonight Reporter: You're gonna.
Wes Mantooth: The greatest city in the history of the Earth.