Joel: What is it with women? Y'know, they say they don't care about looks - they just want a guy who's smart and funny - but they always just end up laughing at whatever the good-looking stupid guy says.
Joel: If I don't get home before 8, she puts on the sweatpants.
Joel: And once the sweatpants are on, I get nothing.
Dean: [as Brad walks out of the bar] There he goes... Johnny Horsecock.
Dean: [Looking at Cindy through the office window] Damn! She work here?
Joel: Yes, she's a temp.
Dean: She's a tramp?
Joe Adler: I should fire all 3 of you. Cuz you laughed at me when I bought those bus stop bench ads. But this Step guy, he's the Holy Grail. See if both his balls had been knocked clean off, it'd be a good case, but not a great case. and with no balls, he's no man at all. The jury will never feel they can walk in the shoes of a ball-less neutered He-She freak. But Step! He's got one ball! Barely. But to a jury, he's still a man. And that man is hanging on by a thread. I'M TELLING YOU, THIS MAN IS A FUCKING POWERBALL. THIS GUY IS A... Oh hello. I'm Joe Adler.
Brad: Hey you weren't supposed to be here for another 4 hours... What happened to your face?
Joel: same thing...! Your face is going to look like my face if I ever... ! Actually, your face is going to look worse than mine if...
Joel: What if I tell her you did it all for money? How about that Ding-Ding?
Brian: Hey and I need to fire Hector. You know, cuz of What's-her-face's purse and Dinkus' wallet.
Dean: That's how we're gonna solve all our modern problems. Wisdom of the ancients.
Dean: You should try smoking a little pot.
Joel: That's a drug.
Dean: It's not a drug. It's a flower.
Dean: [Comes into in Joel's office. He sees Cindy for the first time and is dumbfounded. Turns to Joel] Oh, damn! Goodness.
[Back to Cindy, warmly shakes hands with her]
Dean: Hi. Dean. Entrepreneur, spiritualist, healer.
Dean: You know, I'm starting to think this might have been a mistake.
Dean: Maybe it was my fault, you know?, maybe it was your fault.
Joel: No, it's yours.
Dean: A lot of blame to go around here. I think there are some people who just aren't meant to do drugs, *Joel*. I think you're one of those people, man.
Joel: I think that I just got distracted with Dean, and the drugs, and the gigolos.
Dean: You need to take some Xanax.
Joel: Xanax? Isn't that for anxiety?
Dean: It's good for all psychological problems in the DSM-IV. Xanax basically just makes you feel good. That's why it works for *everything*. I take it for the common head cold!
Rory: I don't want to work at Southwest Airlines. They make you do the limbo. I would be the laughingstock of the grindcore community.
Guitar Salesman #2: Yeah, it's expensive, but it's sweet. Yeah.
Guitar Salesman #1: Are you familiar with Gibson humbucking pickups at all, or...
Cindy: No, I'm sorry. I actually don't play. It's for my dad for his 50th birthday.
Guitar Salesman #1: That's, that's really sweet.
Cindy: Yeah, my sisters and I are all chipping in, so...
Guitar Salesman #2: Your dad will love these humbuckings. I mean, they really kick ass.
Dean: There are ways, ancient ways from Aztec times of getting your wife to cheat on you, if that is what you need.
Joel: Let's hear it.
Dean: You hire a gigolo to have an affair with your wife.
Joel: You had sex with my wife again?
Brad: Well, I figured we already did it once, so what's the big deal, right? Besides, I'm not going to charge you.
Joel: You're not going to charge... You *are* going to charge me and I am going to pay you, because you are not going to have sex with my wife for free, all right?