Suzie: Who'd you want to have an affair with, anyway?
Joel: Just some criminal drifter.
Dean: [as Brad walks out of the bar] There he goes... Johnny Horsecock.
Joel: What is it with women? Y'know, they say they don't care about looks - they just want a guy who's smart and funny - but they always just end up laughing at whatever the good-looking stupid guy says.
Joel: If I don't get home before 8, she puts on the sweatpants.
Joel: And once the sweatpants are on, I get nothing.
Dean: [Looking at Cindy through the office window] Damn! She work here?
Joel: Yes, she's a temp.
Dean: She's a tramp?
Joe Adler: I should fire all 3 of you. Cuz you laughed at me when I bought those bus stop bench ads. But this Step guy, he's the Holy Grail. See if both his balls had been knocked clean off, it'd be a good case, but not a great case. and with no balls, he's no man at all. The jury will never feel they can walk in the shoes of a ball-less neutered He-She freak. But Step! He's got one ball! Barely. But to a jury, he's still a man. And that man is hanging on by a thread. I'M TELLING YOU, THIS MAN IS A FUCKING POWERBALL. THIS GUY IS A... Oh hello. I'm Joe Adler.
Brad: Hey you weren't supposed to be here for another 4 hours... What happened to your face?
Joel: same thing...! Your face is going to look like my face if I ever... ! Actually, your face is going to look worse than mine if...
Joel: What if I tell her you did it all for money? How about that Ding-Ding?
Brian: Hey and I need to fire Hector. You know, cuz of What's-her-face's purse and Dinkus' wallet.
Dean: That's how we're gonna solve all our modern problems. Wisdom of the ancients.
Dean: You should try smoking a little pot.
Joel: That's a drug.
Dean: It's not a drug. It's a flower.