Edit
"Peep Show" Burgling (TV Episode 2008) Poster

(TV Series)

(2008)

Quotes

Jeremy Usborne: We might need to tidy up a bit.

[Jeremy pulls out four remote controls that have been taped together into a cuboid]

Jeremy Usborne: And we might need have to untape the DVD and video and TV and Sky remotes.

Mark Corrigan: The Megatron? But... No.

Jeremy Usborne: It smells wrong. I mean, the Megatron doesn't say "Urban free-wheelers", it says "Sofa masturbaters", you know?

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

[Mark and Jeremy are about to meet their dates. Mark pulls out a rolled-up magazine from under his jacket]

Jeremy Usborne: What are you doing?

Mark Corrigan: Friends of The British Museum magazine.

[Jeremy gives him a withering look]

Mark Corrigan: Clearly, I'm not a Johnny Depp, Tony Parsons, Hunk of the Month, I need my props, I have my rituals. Magazine under the arm...

[he takes out a condom packet]

Mark Corrigan: Old Meg in the wallet.

[voiceover]

Mark Corrigan: Still two years off expiry.

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

[Jeremy and Mark are watching a tedious, badly acted play with their dates]

Jeremy Usborne: [whispering] When do we get to go out?

Mark Corrigan: [whispering] As far as I can make can out, we get to go out for a bit in a hour. Then we have to come back for two hours.

Jeremy Usborne: You're kidding. I think I'll die.

Mark Corrigan: If this was on television, no one would be watching.

Jeremy Usborne: Oh God. We aren't we watching television?

Mark Corrigan: I can't believe coming here cost more than a film.

Jeremy Usborne: I've got Heat on DVD at home. We're watching this, when for less money, we could be watching Robert De Niro AND Al Pacino.

Paula: Shhh.

Mark Corrigan: I'm going to pretend I am watching Heat.

Jeremy Usborne: OK. Let's pretend we're just watching Heat.

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

[Mark and Jeremy have come home to discover they've been burgled]

Mark Corrigan: [looking into the toilet] Oh, my God. They did a shit.

Jeremy Usborne: Oh God, that is so... why do burglars do that?

Mark Corrigan: I think it's nerves or marking their territory. Look, it's sort of all...

Jeremy Usborne: [looking into the toilet] Oh, that was me, actually.

[he flushes it]

Jeremy Usborne: Sorry. I don't always remember to... I get distracted.

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Jeremy Usborne: So, what shall we have to drink, to celebrate?

Big Suze: Well, a Barolo is always nice.

Jeremy Usborne: [voiceover] Shit. Can't ask how much. Restaurant, you have to pretend you're infinitely wealthy for some reason.

[he starts looking through the wine list]

Jeremy Usborne: [voiceover] OK, flicking, looking. If only I knew the name of any other wine. What's a wine? Is the one Hannibal Lecter drinks real or a joke?

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Ugh. Everyone in that restaurant knew I'd been stood up. I'd feel better if she had had an accident. I could go to the hospital, I might get to switch off the machine. Would that be good? Married one, killed one. I'd be a pint-sized Henry VIII.

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

[Mark, Jeremy, Big Suze and Heather are in the flat with a teenage burglar Mark has caught]

Big Suze: This is quite a weird date, Jeremy. It's even weirder than when you took me to Laser Quest and tried to hump me in the dark.

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Jeremy Usborne: Any minute now our door is going to get kicked by 100 maniacs with no stake in society. Is that your idea of a relaxing date?

Mark Corrigan: We've got to tough it out.

Jeremy Usborne: Fine, you're a nob. Good luck with your civilisation, I'm barricading myself in my room. Suze!

[Big Suze and Jeremy go to his room]

Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Great, it's me protecting civilisation again while Jeremy has sex. If this was the war I'd be getting shot by Rommel while he was in Paris getting a blowjob from a Nazi.

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Mark Corrigan: Stop! Stop, thieves!

Burglar's Friend: Fuck off, Clean Shirt.

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

[Heather has been forced to tell Mark she's not interested in him]

Heather: What did you want to tell me?

Mark Corrigan: I thought that you might be... the One, but, I guess... probably not. So... good night.

Heather: 'Night.

[she leaves]

Jeremy Usborne: She might be the One.

Mark Corrigan: Fuck off, Jeremy!

Jeremy Usborne: [voiceover] I'm his One.

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

Contribute to This Page