[Mark and Jeremy have come home to discover they've been burgled]
Mark Corrigan: [looking into the toilet] Oh, my God. They did a shit.
Jeremy Usborne: Oh God, that is so... why do burglars do that?
Mark Corrigan: I think it's nerves or marking their territory. Look, it's sort of all...
Jeremy Usborne: [looking into the toilet] Oh, that was me, actually.
[he flushes it]
Jeremy Usborne: Sorry. I don't always remember to... I get distracted.
Jeremy Usborne: We might need to tidy up a bit.
[Jeremy pulls out four remote controls that have been taped together into a cuboid]
Jeremy Usborne: And we might need have to untape the DVD and video and TV and Sky remotes.
Mark Corrigan: The megatron? But... no.
Jeremy Usborne: It smells wrong. I mean, the megatron doesn't say "Urban free-wheelers", it says "Sofa masturbaters", you know?
[Mark and Jeremy are about to meet their dates. Mark pulls out a rolled-up magazine from under his jacket]
Jeremy Usborne: What are you doing?
Mark Corrigan: Friends of The British Museum magazine.
[Jeremy gives him a withering look]
Mark Corrigan: Clearly, I'm not a Johnny Depp, Tony Parsons, Hunk of the Month, I need my props, I have my rituals. Magazine under the arm...
[he takes out a condom packet]
Mark Corrigan: Old Meg in the wallet.
Mark Corrigan: Still two years off expiry.
[Jeremy and Mark are watching a tedious, badly acted play with their dates]
Jeremy Usborne: [whispering] When do we get to go out?
Mark Corrigan: [whispering] As far as I can make can out, we get to go out for a bit in a hour. Then we have to come back for two hours.
Jeremy Usborne: You're kidding. I think I'll die.
Mark Corrigan: If this was on television, no one would be watching.
Jeremy Usborne: Oh God. We aren't we watching television?
Mark Corrigan: I can't believe coming here cost more than a film.
Jeremy Usborne: I've got Heat on DVD at home. We're watching this, when for less money, we could be watching Robert De Niro AND Al Pacino.
Mark Corrigan: I'm going to pretend I am watching Heat.
Jeremy Usborne: OK. Let's pretend we're just watching Heat.
Jeremy Usborne: So, what shall we have to drink, to celebrate?
Big Suze: Well, a Barolo is always nice.
Jeremy Usborne: [voiceover] Shit. Can't ask how much. Restaurant, you have to pretend you're infinitely wealthy for some reason.
[he starts looking through the wine list]
Jeremy Usborne: [voiceover] OK, flicking, looking. If only I knew the name of any other wine. What's a wine? Is the one Hannibal Lecter drinks real or a joke?
Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Ugh. Everyone in that restaurant knew I'd been stood up. I'd feel better if she had had an accident. I could go to the hospital, I might get to switch off the machine. Would that be good? Married one, killed one. I'd be a pint-sized Henry VIII.
[Mark, Jeremy, Big Suze and Heather are in the flat with a teenage burglar Mark has caught]
Big Suze: This is quite a weird date, Jeremy. It's even weirder than when you took me to Laser Quest and tried to hump me in the dark.
Jeremy Usborne: Any minute now our door is going to get kicked by 100 maniacs with no stake in society. Is that your idea of a relaxing date?
Mark Corrigan: We've got to tough it out.
Jeremy Usborne: Fine, you're a nob. Good luck with your civilisation, I'm barricading myself in my room. Suze!
[Big Suze and Jeremy go to his room]
Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Great, it's me protecting civilisation again while Jeremy has sex. If this was the war I'd be getting shot by Rommel while he was in Paris getting a blowjob from a Nazi.
Mark Corrigan: You can't go yet. I won't let you go!
Heather: Well, I think it might take the edge off the evening if I'm being held hostage!
Mark Corrigan: Look, I... I wanted to tell you something.
Heather: Look, Mark. Nothing is going to happen, OK? We're not a good fit. You're a weird guy.
Jeremy Usborne: He is a weird guy.
Heather: I tried to let you down gently with the phone story but now I'm tired and I'm going home. What did you want to tell me?
Mark Corrigan: I thought that you might be... "the one", but, I guess... probably not. So... good night.
Jeremy Usborne: She might be "the one".
Mark Corrigan: Fuck off, Jeremy!
Jeremy Usborne: [voiceover] I'm his "one".