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Lisa Ann Orkin,
The similarities between Tug and my story are profound...
The action-thriller movie Tug puts this amazon customer in mind of a tale involving oneself many moons ago...
Cast yourselves, dear readers, back 13 years ago to the year 2003. I was but a cocksure young man, overweight yet agile, angry yet sensitive, with a head full of dreams and beautiful long, greasy hair. I was no slacker mind you, despite my weight and appearance I was always adventuring, wandering from place to place searching for something I never even knew that may have or not have existed, ever.
I remember the moment like it was just yesterday, butterflies spiralling around my gut, my heart in my throat and my mind telling me "this cannot be true, this cannot but be true but it probably is because Kerrang do not print bold faced lies". And, dear friends, it was true, in white ink right in front of my very eyes - "Funeral For a Friend Autumn Tour 2003, with support from The Movielife".
Now, The Movielife were this strapping young lad's second favourite band and not only were they playing shows in the U.K. but they were playing on one's very own doorstep...obviously not my actual doorstep, the drums alone would not fit, mother would be upset at the noise and I didn't even have a doorstep but they were playing close by! Almost within arm's reach...obviously not my actual arm's reach but oh so very close my friends, so close!
The venue was Exeter Lemon Grove, it was nigh on 100 miles from myself, which was really no big deal for this obese explorer, so I made the necessary arrangements and waited...patiently. My days spent in the run up to the show were taken up by Metal Gear Solid 2, Smackdown: Here Comes the Pain and Final Fantasy X. I learned many new skills during this time such as stealth, weapon handling, how to Five Star Frog Splash, the Crippler Crossface, using magic and how to socialise. All of which would greatly aid me in my forthcoming expedition.
I can't put my finger on exactly why or how, but when the day of my trip dawned I was overwhelmed by an ominous sense of foreboding and ill tidings. Still, despite my intuition, being the brave (some may say brash) trailblazer that I am I went ahead with my plans and set sail for Exeter.
The journey itself was uneventful as I recall, save for a couple of claustrophobic toilet breaks and a hearty dose of wine gums and Reel Big Fish. And so with the sky ever darkening, my nerves steadily shaking I arrived at my destination, something wasn't right.
Now they say the best laid schemes of mice and men often go awry, I DO NOT know what this means OR if it is even relevant to the story but, dear friends, I do know that when I turned up to the venue hungry, excited and sweaty, a hundred miles from home, months of planning, training, levelling up and document typing behind me that The Movielife WERE NOT on the poster!
I flailed around like a madman, dribbling, screaming and grabbing anybody within range and screaming "WHY!" "HOW!" These words were not questions, they were heart wrenching laments! After a moment I gathered myself and showed the guy my ticket, my useless relic of hope once had!
I soldiered on through the gig, hoping against hope that The Movielife would miraculously appear on-stage and end this cruel nightmare. Sadly even my magical talents couldn't even conjure up that. I left the gig feeling, betrayed, dejected, hungry and sweaty, I saw Funeral For a Friend outside the venue and told them it was a great show, I lied. But then at this point who knew what was real and what was fake, for a clever twist was about to reveal itself...
I knew...there I said it...I KNEW! I KNEW ALL ALONG! A week before the gig (I KNEW) I found out the band (I KNEW) had broken up (I KNEW). And how did I know dear friends? Who informed me? Who snatched my dream from my greasy hands? I'll tell you for who, it was the very same entity that first placed that dream there! It were Kerrang! Filled me with hope and then sucked it out like a vindictive dyson...
I suppose you're asking yourself why, why did I go knowing full well that the band were no more, the two hundred mile round trip for nothing, why? Why? Why? The answer, dear friends, is simple -
I hope you enjoyed my review of Tug and can see how it runs parallel to my tale.
So there you have it, everything you have just read actually happened, it's mad but true. However my story and quest to see the Movielife did not end on that cold November night in 2003, in due course fate would twist in ways that I could have never even imagined!
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