|Page 3 of 5:||    |
|Index||49 reviews in total|
Bitch Slap!!! was the worst movie ever, the storyline was pointless, I throw the movie into the bin how bad it was!!! the movie was based on THREE women in the desert looking for a sword that meant nothing. Only to Trixie. I hope they will not make a second one as the ending was terrible. Trixie plays the worst part being innocent so she can just have the sword, that was buried in the desert. The only funny scene in the whole movie was when they have the biggest fight at the end to see who was the strongest one. Bitch Slap wouldn't be appropriate to watch with family. Maybe with friends but if they like pointless movies. The movie did have some funny lines that did make you laugh at times, it had a lot of action in the movie which was good because of that it keep you entertaining though out the movie.
I will rate this movie a two. One star given because the audio works, and one allocated because the screen footage operates alright. Apart from that, there really isn't much else to this movie. There is no clever plot, I think the complete bad storyline of this movie must have been thought up within a whole 5 minutes. This movie is solid evidence that it doesn't take much to be a successful movie scriptwriter. There are no lovable or dynamic characters whom the viewer is able to connect with, instead just boring airhead characters who provide little more than a mere chuckle. You can toss away any expectations of a deep and meaningful message, as this movie lacks that completely. Any belief of strong female characters which appear in this movie is completely fictional. If a female stripper is one you consider "strong" I believe that is very wrong. For female main characters which are considered strong I recommend watching something good like Kill Bill or Million Dollar Baby. It is a much more better way to spend time then painstakingly sitting through this film. If you have a decent IQ and will want to see a movie which actually requires some brain power, you'll want to give this one a miss.
It just goes to show no matter how low you set the bar, incompetence
can still make you come up short. This film is so bad I actually had to
start an IMDb account to let people know just how terrible it really
The reality is, it wouldn't have taken much for this to be a decent film. The box cover promises sex and violence and delivers far too little on both. The cheesy direction, bad acting, bad dialogue and low- budget effects are laughable...and that would normally be okay! It's exactly what's expected. All the film had to do was deliver on the action and skin. The film gets a 3 out of 10 for the action and a big 0 for the skin. Was this film made for the Spike channel? There's NO NUDITY in this film to speak of despite the fact that it's exactly what the box promises. Yes, three, hot vixens in an exploitation movie and none of them get naked. There are hotter sex scenes in the 10 pm network TV slot. How does a director fail this badly? And the "unrated" label was just another ploy to let the viewer think they're getting something edgy. Either that or the money man saw how bad the film is and wouldn't pony up a few grand more for an MPAA rating.
If there was a filmmaker jail, Jacobson would be on death row. Shameful.
For any fans of Bmovies, exploitation films and all around badassery,
this is for you. Drawing themes, style and content from classics like
Faster Pussycat Kill! Kill! and more modern Kill Bill. This film has it
all, strong lead women, sexuality, brutality, passion, excitement,
danger, witty dialog...and a midget with a machine gun. Contains just
the right amount of camp to keep it from trying to be a A-lister and
with just enough tongue in cheek to keep fans of the genre checking
their trivia. It maintains a wonderful balance between sexiness, action
and humor. Of course if you're a prude, steer clear because these
psycho rug-munchers are too much for you.
The only thing missing is a cameo from Bruce Campbell
Three hot ladies end up in the desert digging for something. They have
a bad guy named Gage with them, in the hopes he will reveal where this
is what they are looking for. Gage is played by Hercules' side kick
Michael Hurst, who lays the accent so thick it's hard to understand a
word he says. In flashbacks we are told how they got there. Then we are
back to the desert, and then a flashback farther in the past. This
repeats again and again as the story unfolds in reverse.
Turns out they are looking for diamonds as well as a secret weapon that some really bad guy named Pinky is supposed to have. Pinky is this movie's version of Keyser Soze. But his identity will be revealed in the end. One of the girls is a sweet and innocent stripper, well played by newcomer Julia Voth, the other played by Spartacus' Erin Cummins is some secret agent working for Kevin Sorbo! and the third is a tough convict played by America Olivo. All three are gorgeous and wear impossible outfits in the movie and during their desert adventures. In flashbacks we find out quite a bit about the girls, how they met, and what they are up to. In the present, the agent and the con are lovers but we learn that the agent is actually in some long-term relationship with the stripper. There's plenty of sexual tension ending in a ridiculous clothed sex scene.
One really wants to like this movie, it has hot girls, fights, weapons, the entire main cast of Hercules in cameos, an interesting story that makes you want to see it till the end to find out what is going on. There are surprises and twists. And yet it's hard to like this movie. The format of telling everything in flashbacks does get annoying quickly. As soon as you settle in the present, you get a flashback. Each flashback takes place in a different green-screen-CGI scenery: alps, Vegas, strip clubs, etc. This movie is also too long. There are not one but two long fight scenes between the girls that aren't all that impressive. Sure, they're acted out by girls, but still, this day and age with wirework and martial arts and all the rest, a fisticuffs brawl is hardly impressive. Bitch Slap is exploitative, it's campy, it's fun. The camera loves to linger on cleavages and behinds, and yet there is almost no nudity. There is a topless scene by some extra that lasts a second or so, and that's it. You simply cannot do a movie like Bitch Slap with next to no nudity, that could well be this movie's fatal flaw. The idea is excellent, the main cast and cameos are impressive, but the execution doesn't fulfill what this movie ought to have been.
Alright, maybe perfection is a bit exaggerated for this movie, but
seriously, we all know who would want to watch this: guys who
appreciate jaw-dropping sex appeal, and girls who like girl power, and
I don't think either of those would want their objectives mixed with
gore or excessive, bloody violence.
To whoever made this movie or is thinking of producing a similar movie, next time just keep the gore & violence down a bit, or ideally no gore at all. Believe it or not, I would've been willing to give a 10 just for the movie's tough-bitch theme, and the genuinely charismatic and jaw-droppingly sexy ladies in this movie, who aren't doing a bad job at all in acting. However, the unnecessary exaggerated violence, the gore, which included torture, made me cringe and really distracted me from focusing on what I'm really there for: the sex appeal and tough-bitch stuff.
And by the way, to know what type of viewer I am, I don't watch such movies every day; I actually like reading for example and listen to classical music often, but we all know that men may succumb sometimes to the temptation of such trashy but too-sexy-to-resist entertainment. Hah! Just drop the gore and cringe-inducing violence next time, please.
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
If you took the look of Maxim magazine, the sound of a devoutly Mormon
Quentin Tarantino and the soul of an empty plastic bottle of Sprite,
threw them all into a tin pot and then blasted the pot with a WWII
flamethrower, the melted-together mess would be something like Bitch
Slap. This thing is like a B movie/exploitation flick made by people
who've never actually seen a B movie/exploitation flick. It's about
nothing but sex, violence and bad language where the sex is tamer than
a 6 week old kitten, the violence is about as exciting as watching an
episode of Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers and the bad language goes to
such absurd lengths of euphemism that it leaves you longing for the
bluntness of porn dialog.
There are twin plot lines in this disaster. One concerns Trixie, Hel and Camero (Julia Voth, Erin Cummings and America Olivo), three tarted-up bad girls who drive into the dessert looking for the treasure of Gage (Michael Hurst), the guy wearing a thong they've got stashed in the trunk of their car. The other is a series of flashbacks that move backward in time, like that episode of Seinfeld, detailing the who, what and why of the first storyline. That dual approach gets really old, really fast but there are so many other things wrong with Bitch Slap that it doesn't even make the Top 10 list of how this film sucks.
That list would be as follows
1. There is only one pair of naked breasts in this entire film and they don't belong to any of the starring actresses.
2. There is only one so-called sex scene in the entire film and both participants remain fully clothed the entire time.
3. Michael Hurst is, far and away, the best thing in the entire production. I like the guy and all that but come on!
4. The flashbacks look like Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow, if that movie's budget had been $67.50.
5. The filmmakers rip off The Usual Suspects, though they don't even deserve to say the name "Keyser Soze".
6. The entire production thinks it's waaaay funnier than it really is.
7. The fight scenes look like a cross between pro wrestling and the fight scenes on the original Star Trek.
8. Lucy Lawless and Renee O'Connor show up for one scene and DON'T make out.
9. Kevin Sorbo shows up and looks like he got paid for this movie in Prozac.
10. The same two characters fight the same climactic battle twice.
The most pitiful thing about Bitch Slap is that the whole thing is constantly straining to be over the top and outrageous, yet only manages to wander in the general vicinity of that on two occasions. Once with a razor-tipped yo-yo and once when a woman gets bitten in the crotch. Other than that, this film is never more over-the-top or controversial than an episode of Blossom.
Bitch Slap was made by some guys who worked on Hercules: The Legendary Journeys and Xena: Warrior Princess. They apparently set out to create some R-rated trashy, campy fun. What they ended up making was a PG-13 version of those same TV shows.
This movie is about the most awful that I have seen in a while. The
only worthwhile experience of watching this film are the sensual forms
of Cummings, Voth and Olivo - Voth in particular if you ask me. These
woman are really very pretty, but when it ends up carrying the weight
of the film, the makers should've aimed for a porno instead. It's just
not good enough to watch the same cheap tricks for the length that the
movie has (e.g. over-obvious continuously present breasts, needless
inklings on the female genitalia, and so on...). Once or twice is
funny, thousands of times is just stupid. It appears to me Jacobson
intended to make the film using a 'Planet terror-like' style, i.e. to
present the film in a somewhat absurd way to allow for the storyline to
be the complete nonsense that it is. Unfortunately this doesn't work at
all, and the editing is annoyingly present at each instant in the
movie. Adding to that the bad acting and the storyline which is
ridiculous and confusing at the same time, this movie is a very long
sit-through, of which I barely made it to the end.
Really horrible. Only for the true Voth/Cummings/Olivo aficionados - but even still it's a long sit-through.
I have to agree with my D, I don't know how anyone could give this a rating higher than 3. This movie sucks, yeah it has some hot ladies in it, but other than their cleavage, there's nothing good that comes outta them. I've seen late night B movies on HBO with better acting, better story, and A LOT bigger budget. How this even made it to theaters is beyond me. If your looking for a movie you can watch with some guys and get all high/drunk and make fun of a movie, this is it. Your jokes and laughter will be more entertaining than this POS. And yes, half of this move is filmed in front of a green screen. The only good thing (other than the ending) was when 2 of the girls have this lesbian make out session in a dilapidated mobile home. But if you need to watch this movie to see that, you need to get out more.
STAR RATING: ***** Saturday Night **** Friday Night *** Friday Morning
** Sunday Night * Monday Morning
Whatever Tarantino and Rodriguez do turns into instant 'cool', and whatever's cool many want to imitate. Grindhouse, really cheap, trashy films made in the 70s, are as low budget as they come anyway, so even cheaper no name straight to DVD entries like this are even more game for slating. What I'm basically saying is, if you're a fan of Grindhouse, this should just about pass for you. If not, you can only pick it apart for what it is, the ultimate in cheap, trashy exploitation, with the threadbare, almost none existent plot, only there to serve as an excuse for the amply chested lead babes to get their chests sprayed wet at any given moment, or for another act of gratuitous violence to occur, or whatever. Grindhouse is in style at the moment, so if you're for it you're for it, or if you're not you should avoid this. **
|Page 3 of 5:||    |
|Plot summary||Plot synopsis||Ratings|
|External reviews||Parents Guide||Official site|
|Plot keywords||Main details||Your user reviews|
|Your vote history|