Bitch Slap (2009)
Trixie: [refering to Hel] Well, this is America. She... she's sexy and loaded, and has high-powered connections.
Camero: I'm gonna booty-bang bitch slap your fucking ass until you're just this side of salvage. Then I'm gonna ram-ride girly's show tits asunder before I plow both of you bitches under!
Trixie: What can I say? We're all just bitches in the end.
Narrator: [first lines - Theatrical]
Narrator: [voice-over] All warfare is based on deception. Hence, when able to attack we must seem unable. When using our forces, we must seem inactive. When we are near, we must make the enemy believe we are far away. When far away, we must make him believe we are near. Hold out baits to entice the enemy; feign disorder and crush him. Sun Tzu. The Art of War. 380 BC.
Narrator: [first lines - Unrated]
Narrator: [voice-over] The belief in a supernatural source of evil is not necessary; men alone are quite capable of every wickedness. Joseph Conrad. 1911.
Trixie: [after Camero shoots Gage though Trixie's dress] Oh my God, you could have shot me!
Camero: But I didn't.
Trixie: You're crazy!
Camero: You're welcome.
Gage: [threatening Trixie with a dildo tipped with whirling blades] I love Home Depot... Now listen here, you fucking slag. I have a reputation for being very persuasive. And I know you're a virtuoso with them throat muscles. So you'd better start spilling - or I'm gonna send Thaddeus here right up your chutney tube!
Camero: [Caught in the confessional performing oral sex on another nun] God fucking dammit...
Mother Superior: Sister Prudence Bangtail. Well, this is the last straw!
Camero: Save it, Crusty, I'm vapor. This place bites anyway.
Trixie: Oh, my God. You're a wicked-cool covert operative masquerading as a sex-toy tycoon?
Hel: Mm-hmm. My mission was retrieve that... a weaponized vial of synthetic nano-swarm that Gage hijacked from a CIA convoy. It's filled with trillions of self-replicating robo-viruses that latch onto any living organism and suck the carbon out... 'til you, me, even the cockroaches are nothing more than gray goo.
Trixie: [to Hel; breaking character] A girl's gotta get her jollies somehow. Oh... and I really get off on watching girls fight. You guys were awesome!
Camero: I'm going to sleigh ride your sorry ass once and for all!
Camero: [to Kinki] That's it pop tart! I'm gonna dog-pound you straight to China!
Trixie: Don't tell me you don't want some of what I'm sellin. I'm gonna get you wet!
Gage: [to Trixie] You take orders better than a Bangkok bum boy.
Trixie: We read that we ought to forgive our enemies; but we do not read...
Trixie: 188.8.131.52 N...
Trixie: Gage wrote it on a photograph - some kind of desert picture from space.
Camero: And what good does that do us?
Hel: They may be vector co-ordinates. You're sure about those numbers?
Trixie: I'm positive. I have a photo-journalistic memory.
Trixie: My God, they're gonna lock us up forever!
Camero: Shut up, ax wound!
Trixie: [hesitantly] You shut up!
Camero: What did you say?
Hel: Back off, Camero!
Camero: No! Why don't you let Gland Canyon stick up for herself?
Gage: That's it, show us your grabber.
Trixie: You like that?
Gage: Yeah, Daddy likes...
Trixie: Try *this* one on for size.
[Executes an aerial flip into Gage's lap]
Gage: Fuckin' hell!
Trixie: I call that move "shock and awe."
Gage: Oh God... I've never felt this way about a gash before.
Trixie: Oh! You are so sweet.
Gage: Oh, and you're decent and pure, and I love you. Now why don't we tie a knot, bump uglies, and ride the pork bus to Tuna City?
Deputy Fuchs: You aren't supposed to be out here. Government used to test nukes. Stay too long, and you'll grow a third eye.
Deputy Fuchs: How, uh... how did you ladies end up out here anyway?
Hel: Well, Officer, it's "quite" a story. See, my sisters and I are members of the Sacred Girls Virgin Choir out in Sand Dab, Arizona. We were supposed to perform a cantata today out in Mojave. Since we were so far from home, the local parish director kindly suggested that we stay as his guests. Well, after we were all snuggled into our one little bed for the night, we heard loud music and laughter coming from outside! We peeked our heads out, only to discover the entire congregation dancing and... and laughing, and smoking something that may not have been tobacco! They tried to fondle our num-nums, and even convinced Bambi Lynn here to shoot Communion wafers out of her... Anyway, we got out and ran to our car, but they chased us. Well, thank the Lord that Cheyenne here can drive and Bambi Lynn can gyrate because we lost, 'em! By then, well, it was after 3:00 a.m. and... and dark. And we were scared. And someone's not very good with directions. And... well, we ended up here. And now, if you can belive it, our car is dead.
Deputy Fuchs: [after a pause] I see.
Hel: We tried to jump her, but we just couldn't get her off. That's why we're all dirty... and desperate. You must think the worst of us.
Deputy Fuchs: Let me take a look at her; sometimes you just gotta know how to finger those old beauties.
Trixie: [seeing the underground arsenal of weapons] Whoa! Looks like Gage was ready for war!
Hel: K-14 Corsair rail gun... carbon fiber mounts... hellfire damping system... and Zion laser scope. This is some serious and classified hardware.
Trixie: How do you know all that?
Hel: [realizing she's revealed too much] Uh... my father was a part of the CIA's Ghost Recon Group in the '80s.
Sister Batrill: You have to help me, Mother Superior. My impure thoughts have gone beyond inanimate objects, and devolved into lusting after strapping Latvian gymnasts.
Gage: [to Hel] Who the fuck are you? Aside from one tasty little minge I'd like to slam like a screen door?
Trixie: You know, I've been thinking...
Camero: [annoyed] Christ.
Trixie: Is stealing from a criminal any better than just being a criminal?
Camero: I got a better one for you, Princess. What's the most outrageous place you've ever been key-holed?
Trixie: Why do you wanna know?
Camero: Just curious. It says a lot about a woman.
Trixie: Hmm. Either a bumper-car three-way with some guy and girl at the Redlands County Fair, or... on top of a horse-drawn buggy in Amish country with Jakey Stalfoos.
Hel: Let's have a little less chit-chat and a lot more digging, huh?
Camero: I'm gonna grind those secrets out of you one day, Hel.
Hel: I don't have any secrets.
Trixie: Well, what about you, Camero?
Camero: My best bang was a contortionist out behind the freak show tent at Circus Nudeius. I couldn't stand straight for days. Never did get her name...
Camero: I'm gonna enjoy beating seven shades of shit outta both of you!
Gage: Well, well, well. Hiding out in a convent? Impersonating a nun? Juggling pussy in a pornographic circus? Oh, that is *tasteless,* even for you, Camero.
Gage: Right-o, lads, don't be afraid to use excessive force on this one.
Hel: [about to fire a rocket at Camero] Ram this in your clam bake, bitch cake!
Hel: I'm through being Foxy 69. But you can't just walk away from Flesh Force Foxy with a wink and a hi-dee-ho.
Camero: Come on! Fight me!
Trixie: I'm too weak and vulnerable!
Camero: Fine. If you're not gonna fight, then you're gonna fuck!
Camero: [seeing the contortionist tattoo just above Trixie's croch] You're... her? You're my best lay ever?
Trixie: [frightened to death] Surprise...
Camero: The women's movement will hoist my skirt for all eternity!
Trixie: Why are you dogging on me all the time?
Camero: Coz you're a slapper: a woman whose only purpose is to serve men and get their dicks hard!
Trixie: I don't serve men! I serve myself. I do what I do to gain power and control to be considered sexually desirable. I'm the one using them.
Hel: She's right, Camero, she can make men do whatever she wants with nothing more than just a glance or a well timed bend over. It's her gift.
Trixie: Darn tootin!