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Team Fortress 2 (Video Game 2007) Poster

(2007 Video Game)

Quotes

Soldier: [Soldier is talking to a line of people wearing helmets] "If fighting is sure to result in victory, then you must fight!" Sun Tzu said that, and I'd say he knows a little bit more about fighting than you do, pal, because he invented it, and then he perfected it so that nobody could best him in the ring of honor. Then he used his fight money to buy two of every animal on earth. And then he herded them onto a boat, and then he beat the crap out of every single one. And from that day forward any time a bunch of animals are together in one place it's called a zoo!

[Camera angle changes to reveal the 'people' he is talking to are all the heads of his decapitated victims, lined up on a fence. One of the heads falls onto the ground]

Soldier: [to the fallen head] ... Unless it's a farm!

Demoman: Oh, they're going to have to glue you back together - in hell!

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Spy: [if caught on fire] I appear to have burst into flames.

Spy: [another 'on fire' line] I do believe I'm on fire.

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Scout: Are you listening? Okay.

[chuckles slightly]

Scout: [counts on his fingers while talking to the camera] Grass grows, birds fly, sun shines, and brother?

Scout: [pokes the camera] ... I hurt people.

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Demoman: All o' ya are dandies, prancin' about with your heads full of eyeballs!

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Engineer: Take it like a man, shorty.

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Soldier: Last one alive, lock the door!

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Spy: I'm going to gut you like a Cornish game hen.

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Scout: I'm gonna headbutt ya! I'm gonna headbutt ya! I'm gonna headbutt ya!

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Spy: Promise not to bleed on my suit and I'll kill you quickly.

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Demoman: I'm a black Scottish cyclops.

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Heavy: [Referring to a large mining cart, containing a nuclear bomb] Push little wagon!

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Scout: [after killing an Engineer] Here's a schematic for ya: MY ASS

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Merasmus: Merasmus the Wizard has come for your souls! Soldier! Never anger a magician!

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Ap-Sap: [as a device the Spy can hold to sap energy from Engineer buildings, the Ap-Sap is always with the Spy, and if fired upon while out, he responds] Is that gunfire? Is - is someone shooting? Oh my God, they're shooting at us! They're shooting at us! Don't panic, but they are shooting at us. Are these - are these live? Do I actually hear shooting? Is this live rounds? Is it live ammunition? Okay, I definitely heard a gunshot then! This is... mental. Did no one else hear that? Bloody - what have you got me into? All right, fun's over! Fun's over! Put me back in the pocket! Seriously, now - put me away. 'Cause I don't want any piece of this.

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Ap-Sap: [idle responses]

[pages turning]

Ap-Sap: Hmm. Oh! Oh, sorry. Sorry! Hope that didn't disturb you too much, then. That was - did you hear that noise? Yeah, that was just the sound of... some books. Pages being turned. By me. 'Cause I was reading... the books.

[chuckles]

Ap-Sap: You know what it's like, you know? When you get the urge. And - and ability. To read. Suddenly takes you, you're like I've gotta read some books! So that was what I was doing, just reading the old, uh - some of the old bloody classics. Of literature. By uh... Dickens. And uh... um... others. So uh, so I'm not a moron.

Ap-Sap: Let me tell you where I am right now: I am of the view of running away in the other direction. Don't know what you're thinking, but that's my view. At this juncture.

Ap-Sap: Um, couldn't help but notice, when I was in your pocket, that you've, uh - you've got a knife. Looked pretty sharp. Could've had - could've had me eye out!

Ap-Sap: Just throwing this out there, um - perhaps skip the hacking entirely. Just go straight to the stabbing! All right? Love a bit of stabbing. Less work for me.

Ap-Sap: We've been walking for... quite some time. Where - where're we going now, by the way?

Ap-Sap: Dashing rogues! The both of us. Like Robin Hood or something! Role playing. Love it. Absolutely love it.

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Ap-Sap: [the Spy places the Ap-Sap on an enemy Engineer's building] Well done! Okay! I'm about to start hacking! Ah, there's a password. Okay. Hacking, begin!

[typing sounds, buzzer sound]

Ap-Sap: No! I could've swore that was it! I was rea - I'm surprised. I am surprised at that. Actually.

[building is destroyed]

Ap-Sap: Done! Hacked! Quite complicated; pulled it out of the bag, as usual.

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Administrator: Alert! The enemy has taken our intelligence!

Administrator: [briefcase dropped] The enemy has dropped our intelligence.

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Medic: Danke... Dummkopfs.

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Spy: I never really was on your side.

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Scout: Play ball!

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Sniper: Thanks for standing still, wanker!

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Sniper: God save the Queen!

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Soldier: Time to inform your next of kin!

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Soldier: Maggots!

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Soldier: Stand... on... the... point! Numbnuts!

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Medic: The healing leaves little time for the hurting.

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Scout: Wave goodbye to your secret crap, dumbass!

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Heavy: You - yes, you! You are dead!

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Medic: [dominating a player on the other team] Would you like a second opinion? You are also ugly!

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Medic: I healed the man who will kill you.

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Engineer: [after an enemy gets shot by his automated sentry gun] I told you, don't touch that darn thing!

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Heavy: [When the payload starts to roll backwards] Other team has cart!

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Scout: [after killing an Engineer] Here's something you shoulda built: a not dyin' machine.

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Scout: [after killing a Heavy] $400,000 to fire that gun huh? Yeah money well spent

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Scout: [after killing a Sniper] You'll never hit me! You'll never hit my tiny head! It's so tiny! I got a freakin, such a tiny little head!

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Heavy: [after eating sandvich] Don't run! It's just ham!

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Heavy: [singing, after eating sandwich] Me and my sandvich, coming to kill you!

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Scout: [after killing a Demoman] Depth perception pal, look into it!

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Scout: [after killing a Medic] Where's your precious hippo-crates now?

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Scout: [getting a lot of height with double or triple jumps] Hey I can see my base from here!

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Soldier: [dominating any player, which means killing the same person four times in a row without being killed back by them] If God had wanted you to live, He would not have created *me*!

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Demoman: [grabbing vest and pulling it out, mocking his victim, or victims] Ka-BEUUUUUUUUUWWWWM!

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Soldier: You sissified maggot scum have just signed your death warrants!

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Administrator: [Special Delivery mode responses] Gentlemen, find that Australium and today we make history!

Administrator: Gentlemen, with our help, Poopy Joe will ride this rocket to the stars!

Administrator: America has given us the monkey, and Mann Co. has provided the fuel. Let's put those two together and make history!

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Administrator: [first wave of robots starting in Mann vs. Machine mode] They're here! If they get that bomb to the hatchway, we're all done for!

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Administrator: [the robots deliver the bomb to the hatch] You've lost the wave. Perhaps I should just hire *them*!

[game over]

Administrator: You failed me. You failed Saxton Hale! You failed us all...

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Administrator: [all six players die] How could you *all* die at once?

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Administrator: Alert! A tank has entered the area!

[tank destroyed]

Administrator: Yes, break them! Break their metal bones!

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Administrator: Heads up, Engineers! A Sentry Buster has entered the area!

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Administrator: Welcome, lambs, to the slaughter! Mann Up Mode activated! I won't lie to you: you're going to die!

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Heavy: [wearing a Halloween costume of fake fairy wings, a tiara, and a ballerina tutu, one of a few lines triggered with this costume on] Everyone! Friendship is *STUPID* magic!

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Ap-Sap: [if the Spy dies while the Ap-Sap is out] You know what? It's not the winning, is it? It's the taking part that counts. And you're, uh... and you're doing that.

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Redmond Mann: You there! BLU team! I'll double what my ratstink brother is paying you!

Blutarch Mann: You imbecile!

[shuffling noise]

Blutarch Mann: This is what I'm paying them!

Redmond Mann: Geh! Never mind!

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Medic: [wearing the "Second Opinion"] Do you ever worry you might be going mad?

[normal voice]

Medic: Well, not worry... I'm not up at night about it. Heh.

Medic: [dark voice] Do you ever think you might be going mad?

[normal]

Medic: Oh, all the time. I don't think it's anything to worry about.

Medic: [dark voice] Redrum, redrum...

[normal voice]

Medic: Red? Oh! I just got that. Very clever!

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Scout: Yeah, I dare ya, rage quit! C'mon make us both happy!

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Heavy: You are so small! It's funny to me!

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Sniper: Wave goodbye to your head, wanker!

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Heavy: Cry some more!

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Medic: Ha ha! Oktoberfest!

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Scout: Say goodbye to your kneecaps, chucklehead.

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Heavy: I love this doctor!

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Medic: Another successful procedure.

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Heavy: Entire team is babies!

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Engineer: Spy sappin' my sentry!

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Spy: You got blood on my suit.

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Soldier: This is my world. You are not welcome in my world!

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Scout: Yeah, why don't ya come over and say that to my face, tough guy? Bonk!

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Medic: Whoops... that was not medicine.

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Scout: I should be on a baseball card!

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Heavy: Kiss me!

[kisses his gun, Sasha]

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Medic: That was doctor assisted homicide.

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Medic: [if caught on fire] Everyone! I am on fire!

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Sniper: G'day!

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Heavy: [When the payload starts to roll backwards] Cart moves wrong way!

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Administrator: The payload is nearing the final terminus!

[Maniacal laughter]

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Engineer: [after one of his automated sentry guns blows away an enemy] Another satisfied customer!

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Scout: [after killing a Heavy] I am owning you, you fat bald bastard!

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Scout: [after killing a Heavy] I am owning you, you fat bald, fatty fat fat!

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Scout: [after killing a Medic] Ooooh your gun shoots medicine! That's intimidating...

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Scout: If you order now, I'll throw in a second beatin' absolutely free

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Scout: Dude you'd get a closed casket at the ugly cemetery

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Scout: [dominating a sniper] Look at this, just caved in your skull, my bat's still dry. No clumps of hair, nothin'.

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Heavy: [after eating sandvich] Bologna! Ha ha ha ha!

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Heavy: [after eating sandvich] Sandvich is perfect fuel for killing puny cowards!

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Scout: Need a dispenser here!

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Scout: Need a Sentry here!

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Scout: I'm not even winded!

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Heavy: It is good day to be giant man!

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Demoman: [being ÜberCharged by a medic while using the Stickybomb Launcher] Not one of ya's going to survive this!

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Heavy: Now is good time to run, cowards!

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Heavy: [obtaining an achievement] I am most dangerous man in history of world!

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Scout: This is a real frickin' embarrassment!

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Scout: [dominating a Heavy] Them $200 bullets ain't so hot when they don't *hit* nothin', are they?

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Scout: [looking at an enemy with his melee weapon out] I'm gonna beat on your skull until I hit tonsils!

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Scout: [after destroying an Engineer's dispenser, sentry, or teleporter] I broke your stupid crap, moron!

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Sniper: You got blood on my knife, mate.

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Administrator: Friendships are in direct contravention of mercenary conduct as delineated in your contracts; and on a personal note: I am very, very, disappointed with you.

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Administrator: I won't single any one of you out. I will just say that some of you have betrayed the trust of your employers... and because of that you must die. The rest of you are

[cough]

Administrator: *satisfactory*.

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Administrator: [one possible line if the player's team launches the rocket] Go, Poopy Joe, soar! Kill Vladimir Bananas...

[the rocket crashes]

Administrator: Oh, no. Gentlemen, this never happened.

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Administrator: You failed! The enemy has launched the rocket!

[the rocket crashes]

Administrator: Oh no. Poopy Joe, taken too soon.

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Bombinomicon: [the Bombinomicon, a detonating book, speaks to players when Merasmus unleashes him] Ey, buddy! I'm gonna give you a bomb head. Go run at that wizard.

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Merasmus: [Merasmus spins the wheel of fate, and it lands on the spot that ÜberCharges everyone on both teams, making them invincible for a few seconds] You are GODS!

[sotto voce]

Merasmus: ... I don't know why I put that on the wheel...

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Bombinomicon: [welcoming the players to Skull Island after Merasmus has been defeated] Hey, guys! Beat that wizard, huh? Good stuff, good stuff, buddy. How do you like this island? Pretty nice, huh? Waterfront property. Yeah, it's mine. Well, it's a timeshare. It's good for romancing the ladies though, no? There's this little cookbook I've been seeing, and - hey, it's pretty nice. Well, you feel free to poke around, I guess. You know, looks like that's what you're doing anyway, right?

[laughs]

Bombinomicon: Feel free to steal everything that isn't nailed down. Hey, I'm a book! What do I need with it?

[the player approaches the hat Merasmus was wearing]

Bombinomicon: Ah, Merasmus' skull hat. That's gonna look real nice on your head. Ey, it's pretty nice. Good choice, buddy. Very nice choice.

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Soldier: [to the Demo] Scotland is not a real country! You are an Englishman in a dress!

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Redmond Mann: This is Redmond Mann speaking from an unspecified location beyond the grave. I may be dead, but as long as you're cashing my checks, you'll damn well do what you're told. And I'm telling you to push my brother to hell!

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Blutarch Mann: It is I, your employer, Blutarch Mann. From beyond the grave! I've given you thick-skulled slugs one thing to do for a hundred years now: Shoot each other! Now I'm giving you something even easier to do: Push my brother to hell!

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Redmond Mann: [RED team is winning] Yes! Sending my brother to hell was my best idea since the pregnancy machine!... Which isn't off the table, by the way.

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Blutarch Mann: [RED team is close to winning] Blast! I should've hired the RED team!

Blutarch Mann: [if BLU team is winning, Redmond's body is closer to the final checkpoint] Whatever it is you're doing, it's working! I'm winning! And you're losing, Redmond! I will be the last man standing!

Blutarch Mann: How do you like those ghostly apples, Redmond? No need to answer. They are bitter, tart ash in your mouth, I'm sure of it! Yes yes yes...

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Redmond Mann: BLU team! Stop fighting! My brother and I call truce!

Blutarch Mann: Shut up, Redmond!

Redmond Mann: [laughing]

Blutarch Mann: Keep fighting! Don't listen to my idiot brother!

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Blutarch Mann: Dear Lord! This is Blutarch Mann speaking!

Redmond Mann: And Redmond.

Blutarch Mann: Shut up, Redmond, I'm praying! Lord, please send my brother to hell. Amen.

Redmond Mann: Lord, wait! Whatever he's praying to you for, I'll double it.

Blutarch Mann: No!

Redmond Mann: Ha ha ha ha! I win at praying, brother.

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Redmond Mann: Blutarch, we're family. Tell you what, on the count of three, let's both apologize and go to heaven. One, two, three. I'm...

Blutarch Mann: I'm sorry. No!

Redmond Mann: [laughing]

Blutarch Mann: I meant I'm sorry that I'm sending you to hell!

Redmond Mann: No!

Blutarch Mann: And I'm *not*! Sorry!

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Redmond Mann: [Blutarch laughs to himself] What's so funny, brother?

Blutarch Mann: Oh, I'm just thinking about all the gravel I'll have when you're gone.

Redmond Mann: And where do you intend to get all this gravel in hell, brother? While I'm on Earth, which is virtually made of gravel?

Blutarch Mann: The devil! I plan to trade him all your gravel for it!

Redmond Mann: [gasps] Don't you dare, Blutarch!

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Bombinomicon: [reaching the end of the battle for Hell Island] Okay guys, first come first serve. Happy Halloween, you knuckleheads.

Bombinomicon: Okay, let's go guys! I gotta close up Hell. It's not a 7-Eleven.

[laughs]

Bombinomicon: Grab some gifts before you go, bye you guys!

Bombinomicon: Guys, guys guys guys. Let me get real with you for a minute. This is why I got into the Devil business. You, you crazy nuts guys, tearing each other apart like animals.

[tearfully]

Bombinomicon: I think I got a burning cinder in my eye or something. Get some gifts and get out of here you nuts.

Bombinomicon: Okay, good stuff! Get up here, grab a gift, the Devil's a little busy here. I got to go rig an election with Quebec. A local election, but you know, I'm the Devil. I've got to sweat the small stuff.

Bombinomicon: Okay, good stuff, now get out of here you knuckleheads!

Bombinomicon: Man, you guys got some nice souls. Tell you what, you kill each other, anybody who is still alive is gonna get some good stuff.

[whispering]

Bombinomicon: Sorry, I love you guys.

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Bombinomicon: Hey, when you go back to Earth, make sure you tell everybody I'm the Devil now. Oh I'm gonna be famous. Oh, I'm gonna be more famous than Lord of the Rings! So have you guys been doing? Soldier, still have that stupid wizard for a roommate? Oh, that guy, I could tell you some- You know what? You keep fighting, we catch up later.

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Bombinomicon: Let me tell you, you guys are like the Tom Jones of tearing a dude's face off. That's not me talking, that's Tom Jones. Yeah, he down here. Tom, say something!

[laughs maliciously]

Bombinomicon: Who am I kidding? He's choking on a bottle of moldy deer poop.

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Bombinomicon: Okay, twist ending guys. Here comes the big twist! I'm an angel, and we're in Heaven!

[laughter]

Bombinomicon: This was a test all along!

[more laughter]

Bombinomicon: No, I'm pulling your leg, there is no Heaven. There is Hell in every direction.

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Soldier: [wearing a maggot miscellaneous item coming out of his helmet] We're a good team, maggot!

[more monotone voice]

Soldier: Yes we are, Soldier!

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Redmond Mann: The Witching Hour! When the wall between worlds grows thin! Hurry! Cross the bridge to Hell Island! That's where the good spells are!

Blutarch Mann: What the gravel is happening down there? Oh no, werewolves! No, wait... skeletons! Zombies? It doesn't matter, just run!

Redmond Mann: Oh good, the Skeleton King's he- NO! That's bad!

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Redmond Mann: [Redmond's body, in the BLU cart, has almost reached the final checkpoint] Good gravel! I'm almost to hell, you idiots! Do something!

Redmond Mann: [Payload race lost] No! Noooooooooooo!

[to the mercenaries]

Redmond Mann: I'm taking you to hell with me! Damn you Blutarch!

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Blutarch Mann: [RED team is in the lead] Drag your knuckles to that cart, you thick-browed member of the servant class! Do you have any idea what ungodly sum I'm paying you vagrants to push a corpse a hundred feet? All you have to do is push a haunted corpse on a railcart into a gaping hell-mouth! It's not gravel science.

Blutarch Mann: All you have to do is send my brother's haunted corpse to hell, then run across a bridge to an enchanted island every time the clock strikes midnight every one and a half minutes to get powerful spells you can use to defeat your enemy, who will be doing the *exact* same thing, but with my haunted corpse! My only worry is this update makes too much sense.

Blutarch Mann: I am speaking to you from the great beyond! But make no mistake, my lawyers are still on Earth, and they *will* prosecute if you do not fulfill your contract. In fact, they're right over there in that evil castle! That's right! They built a terrifying mansion from which to conduct their day business!

[chuckle]

Blutarch Mann: I sense a disturbance in the force... Hold on. Okay, I'm back. My lawyers tell me I'm sensing nothing.

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Blutarch Mann: Yes! Yes! Send my brother to hell!

Redmond Mann: Wait, what was that?

Blutarch Mann: I'm not talking to you, Redmond. I'm talking to the mercs!

Redmond Mann: My mercs? Don't you dare! They've got a job!

Blutarch Mann: Come on brother. What could they possibly be doing?

Redmond Mann: Sending you to hell, Blutarch!

Blutarch Mann: What? RED team! Stop what you're doing!

Redmond Mann: Belay that order, RED team!

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Blutarch Mann: Look at me now, father!

Zepheniah Mann: [as a ghost watching what's happening] You did great, son.

Blutarch Mann: Yes, yes, yes, yes!

Zepheniah Mann: [referring to another sibling of the brothers] Gray is still my favorite though.

Blutarch Mann: No! Noooo!

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Bombinomicon: [various lines upon players entering Hell on the Helltower map] Hey, welcome to Hell! Holy crap, it's you guys! Hey, you guys. Hey, pow zoop. Fight to the death.

Bombinomicon: Hey guys, up here! It's me, the bomb book, from last year! Welcome to Hell! Okay, now fight to the death.

Bombinomicon: Hey, it's you guys! Welcome to Hell! Pow zoop! Go crazy nuts.

Bombinomicon: Holy crap, it's you guys! Welcome to Hell! Hey hey! You brought me a soul. Nice work guys. Now I just need nine more. Let's go.

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Medic: [wearing an item that makes half of his face look evil, pushing a payload cart; starting out with a dark voice] Push harder!

[normal voice]

Medic: Oh, shut up!

[dark voice]

Medic: Keep pushing.

[normal]

Medic: Why don't *you* push? Who stopped pushing the cart?

[dark voice]

Medic: This is *your* fault.

[normal]

Medic: I'm of two minds about this. Both are

[dark]

Medic: ... pretty good with it.

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Heavy: [wearing a red robin bird head replacement] As promised, Heavy will now lay egg in your mouth. Now Bird Heavy will vomit worms down your throat! Run cowards! Tweet tweet tweet! Heavy has tiny bird head! Never speak of this. I am coming cowards, to lay egg in your mouth! Hide your seeds and millet, cowards!

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Medic: [with a dove head replacement resembling his pet bird Archimedes] I AM ARCHIMEDES! I experimented on my own head! Ha ha ha ha! The bird head is pure agony!

[crazy laughter]

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Archimedes the Undying: [these voice lines are enabled when the Medic wears a zombie/undead version of his pet dove Archimedes on his shoulder] Bwark, kill them all!

Medic: Shh.

Archimedes the Undying: [garbles]

Medic: Shh.

Archimedes the Undying: [garbles]

Medic: Sh, sh, shh!

Archimedes the Undying: Kill them all!

Medic: That's enough!

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Sniper: [with an owl head replacement item] You and I are a lot alike, mate. Except I'm an owl, and you're dead.

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Soldier: [with an eagle head replacement item] Dominated, Candypants. This is Soldier, by the way. I have an eagle head right now.

Soldier: Screaming eagle! Aaaah!

Soldier: Eagle head, charge! Merasmus, I hate you!

Soldier: The great eagle scourge returns, hippies!

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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