The Muppets (2011)
Kermit the Frog: What? You kidnapped Jack Black? That's illegal!
Fozzie Bear: What's more illegal, Kermit: briefly inconveniencing Jack Black, or destroying the Muppets?
Kermit the Frog: Kidnapping Jack Black, Fozzie!
[Waldorf finishes explaining the contract]
Statler: If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were reciting some sort of important plot point.
Waldorf: I hope so. Otherwise I would've bored half the audience half to death.
Statler: You mean half the audience is still alive?
Jack Black: I'm being held captive by these weirdos!
Statler: Now you know how we've felt for the last forty years.
Jack Black: Animal, what are you doing here?
Animal: ...Acting... Naturaaaal.
Miss Piggy's Receptionist: She has an opening in early September.
Walter: Early September? But that's in six months!
Fozzie Bear: That's nothing. I once waited a whole year for September.
Walter: But Kermit, you have to try! The Muppets are AMAZING! You give people the greatest gift that can ever be given!
Kermit the Frog: Children?
Walter: No, the OTHER gift.
Kermit the Frog: Ice cream?
Walter: No, no, after that...
Kermit the Frog: Laughter?
Walter: YES! The THIRD greatest gift ever!
Fozzie Bear: Wow, that was an expensive looking explosion! I can't believe we had that in the budget.
Statler: I always dreamed we'd be back here.
Waldorf: Dreams? Those were nightmares!
Gary: You always believe in other people, but that's easy. Sooner or later, you gotta believe in yourself, too, because that's what growing up is. It's becoming who you want to be. You have to try.
Walter: ...and then, when he thought they were alone, he said, "There's oil under this theater, see! I'm gonna tear it to the ground, see! Sweet, sweet oil, see!"
Mary: People still talk like that?
Walter: Maybe that's just how he sounded in my head.
Statler: Is this movie in 3-D?
Waldorf: Nope! The Muppets are as one-dimensional as they've always been!
Gary: Whoa whoa whoa, wait wait wait, stop!
[looks directly into the camera]
Gary: Are there Muppets in this movie?
Neil Patrick Harris: [during the telethon] How come I'm not hosting this?
Rowlf: How come you didn't use me in the montage? I thought my story was pretty interesting.
[cut to Rowlf snoring in a hammock on his porch surrounded by other Muppets]
Kermit the Frog: Rowlf?
Kermit the Frog: You wanna get back together?
[cut back to the car]
Rowlf: Heh heh. Classic.
Gary: It sounds like you guys aren't getting back together any time soon.
Kermit the Frog: [sadly] No.
Mary: This is going to be a *really* short movie.
Jack Black: Where am I? Why am I so fancy? This is not good for my image!
Kermit the Frog: Listen everybody, we've got nothing to be ashamed of. And you know why? Well because, thanks to Walter here we tried. And if we failed, we failed together and to me that's not failing at all. And I don't care what anybody says, I don't care if no one believes in us because... I believe. I believe in you. And you. And you. You know what's important isn't this building or name, it's each other. So I say fine, let's just start from the bottom and work our way back up to the top. Let's all walk out through these doors with our heads held up high, as a family because that's what we are.
[Tex and Uncle Deadly are atop the Muppet Theater with a pair of boltcutters about to shut off the power]
Tex Richman: To the end of the Muppets!
[Uncle Deadly grabs the boltcutters to stop Tex]
Tex Richman: Deadly! What are you doing?
Uncle Deadly: Enough! Just because I have a terrifying name and an evil English accent, does not preclude the fact that, in my heart, I am a Muppet, not a Moopet! Looks like it's I who will have the last laugh!
Tex Richman: What does that mean?
Uncle Deadly: It's an idiom, you idiot, because you cannot laugh! Ha ha!
[Tex falls off the roof and lands on the ground with a thud]
Uncle Deadly: Oopsie.
Tex Richman: Deadly.
Uncle Deadly: Now *that's* a maniacal laugh for you!
Sweetums: [picks up his phone] Hello?... You want to gives us money?
[turns to Sam]
Sam Eagle: Say "yes"!
Sweetums: [returns to the phone] Yes, We wiil take that money.
[the Muppets are sitting in jail]
Warden: Are you, uh, the Muppets?
Prisoner: [in the jail cell next to them] Hey! I'm a Muppet.
Tex Richman: Maniacal laugh... maniacal laugh...
Fozzie Bear: I went to this bad sea food place the other day. Yeah, it was so bad, the catch of the day was salmon-ella!
[No one laughs]
Jack Black: [in pain] That joke is so 50 years old.
[the audience laughs]
Miss Piggy: Kermit, we found a celebrity! Jack Black has graciously agreed to host the show for us.
Kermit the Frog: That's great! Where is he?
Miss Piggy: In the trunk.
Jack Black: [Inside car trunk] Get me out of here!
Scooter: [to the audience while imagining them naked] You are all naked!
Sam Eagle: Hello.
Link Hogthrob: Hello.
[sees an ax in his own hands, freaks out a bit while getting rid of it to grab a hairdryer]
Jack Black: [after Rowlf, Sam, Link & Beaker remove towels from his head that is the size of a tennis ball] It was getting hot in there. What's going on? Why is my body so big? and what happened to my voice? It sound like a chipmunk! Wait a second, did you guys shrink my head?
Bobo: [singing] Together again.
[Deadly joins in]
Tex Richman: [cuts them off] NO SINGING IN MY OFFICE!
Miss Poogy: Sorry, Miss Piggy. But you've been replaced... Permanently!
Miss Piggy: Oh, yeah?
Miss Poogy: Yeah!
Miss Piggy: I don't think so... sister!
Miss Poogy: Who are you calling 'sister', sister?
Miss Piggy: Oh, look! An omelette station.
Miss Poogy: Where?
Miss Piggy: HIYA! There's only room for one Miss Piggy. And that's moi.
Miss Poogy: Yeah? Well, you ain't seen the last of me. I'll be back.
Miss Piggy: Yesh, yeah, ever heard of mouthwash?
Tex Richman: The show's over!
Fozzie Bear: But we were so close!
[bangs his head against the score board, which suddenly goes from reading, "$9,999,999" to "$99,999.99"]
Fozzie Bear: Or... not. Eh, kinda makes me feel better, actually. We were nowhere close at all!
Rowlf: [singing] An Albino.
Sam Eagle: [singing] A Mosquito.
Beaker: [singing] Mee-mee-mee-mo.
[as Gary and Walter prepare to leave for Los Angeles]
Walter: Maybe Kermit will be there!
Gary: I wouldn't get your hopes up, buddy. The Muppets haven't put on a show together in years. I don't think they use the studios for anything but tours anymore.
Walter: I think that's just an Internet rumor, like, "There's a country called Turkey!"
Gary: Walter, how many times do we have to go through this? Turkey is a real place!
Jack Black: [after punching Gary] That's my trigger word, too.
Moderator: Jack, we talked about this on Tuesday.
Jack Black: Tuesday's another one of my TRIGGER WORDS!
[punches a classmate]
Moderator: I DON'T THINK SO!
[punches Jack Black]
Jack Black: Go, Animal! Be free! But, remember, no drumming!
Fozzie Bear: Check it out, Fart-Shoes!
[Steps on the whoopie cushions to make fart sounds]
Veronica: I'm gonna shoot straight: you guys aren't famous anymore.
Fozzie Bear: Yeesh. I wish she'd shot a little more curvy.
Rico Rodriguez: Are you one of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?
Kermit the Frog: Yes I am!
Kermit the Frog: Do what I do: Imagine the audience naked.
Tex Richman: A hard, cynical act for a hard, cynical world.
TV Executive: No.
TV Executive: No.
TV Executive: Lo siento, pero no.
Kermit the Frog: [excited] Oh, you hear that, guys?
[the Muppets cheer]
TV Executive: That means no.
Kermit the Frog: Oh.
Walter: Am I a Muppet, or am I a man? If I'm a man, that makes me a Muppet of a man.
Miss Poogy: Told ya I'd be back. Well now I am... BACK!
Kermit the Frog: [singing] Was there more I could have said?/Now they're only pictures in my head/That's why my green is feeling gray/Even frogs have rainy days
Fozzie Bear: [as a portrait] I didn't do it, I've been framed! Ah! Wocka wocka!
Gary: Mary, will you marry me?
Mary: [She looks stunned, then looks at the camera and puts her hands out to each side] Mahna-mahna!
Miss Piggy's Receptionist: Miss Piggy?
Miss Piggy: [as she's eating a doughnut] What? Can't you see that I'm busy?
Marvin Suggs: [singing] The movie's almost over, it's time to say "So long".
Tex Richman: Will you please stop singing? You've already sung this song.
Fozzie Bear: [under his breath to remind Kermit] Evil oil baron.
Walter: Either way, we've got to find Kermit! He'll know what to do.
Mary: How do we find Kermit? Nobody's seen him in years.
[Gary, Mary, and Walter pass a man selling Hot Star Maps in front of Pink's Hot Dogs]
Walter: [gasp] Wait, stop the car! I have an idea.
[cut to the trio eating some chili dogs]
Gary: These are delicious! Great idea, Walter.
Sam Eagle: This week on "Everything Stinks"...
[gets pulled away by a cane]
Mary: [singing] Everything's great. Everything's grand. Except Gary's always off with his friend. It's never me and him. It's always me and him, and him. I wonder when it's going to end. But, I guess that's okay, 'cause maybe someday... I know just how it's going to be. He'll ride up on a steed, get down on one knee, and say, "Mary, will you marry me... please?"
Miss Poogy: Fozzie! What the heck are you doing, hibernating? Next show starts in thirty seconds. We hired you and we can fire you, so get your butt in here, now!
Fozzie Bear: [to Kermit about them] They terrify me. Let's go.
[Fozzie and The Moopets are singing to the tune of "Rainbow Connection"]
Fozzie Bear: Why are there such great deals on our hotel rooms? Free parking for cars, not RVs.
The Moopets, Miss Poogy: Not RVs.
Fozzie Bear: Our wedding chapel is twenty-four hours. No marriage certificate is needed.
Fozzie Bear: No marriage certificate is needed.
The Moopets, Miss Poogy: No marriage certificate is needed.
The Moopets, Miss Poogy: We're glad you found it, Pechoolo Casino. The owners.
The Moopets, Miss Poogy: The Moopets.
Fozzie Bear: Cha-cha-cha! Thank you. We'll be back in six minutes.