Diary of a Wimpy Kid (2010)
Rowley Jefferson: My mom said to just be myself, and everyone would like me.
Greg Heffley: That would be good advice if you were somebody else.
Chirag Gupta: The "Cheese Touch". No body knows when or how, but one day that cheese mysterious appeared on the blacktop. Nobody knew who it belonged to. Nobody touched it. Nobody threw it away. And so there it sat, growing more foul and powerful by the day. Then one day, a kid named Darren Walsh made the biggest mistake of his life.
[kid pokes the cheese]
Cheese Girl: Darren touched the cheese!
Darren Walsh: No I didn't, I just looked at it. Really.
Chirag Gupta: Darren had the "Cheese Touch". It was worse than nuclear cooties. He became an outcast. The only way to get rid of the Cheese Touch was by passing it on to someone else.
[touches a random girl, screams break out]
Chirag Gupta: And so began the Cheese Touch Frenzy. Friend turning on friend. Brother turning on sister. Is was madness. Until a German exchange student named Dieter Muller took it away.
Cheese Boy: Dieter has the Cheese Touch!
Dieter Muller: Ze Cheese Touch? Vat is dat? Vat does it mean, ze Cheese Touch?
Chirag Gupta: Sadly for Dieter, that fact was lost in translation. Thankfully he moved back to Dusseldorf and took the Cheese Touch with him. And so the cheese sits, patiently waiting for its next victim.
Greg Heffley: Like today, l heard someone in the hallway say that Bryce Anderson has a cute butt. What does that even mean?
Rowley Jefferson: A butt can't be cute, it's a butt!
[Rowley is walking with his backpack on. Greg stops him]
Greg Heffley: Stop. You look like one of the seven dwarves. Always wear one strap. One strap is cool.
Rowley Jefferson: Then why do they put two straps instead of one?
Greg Heffley: [walking] Because the people who make backpacks aren't cool.
Greg Heffley: [stops walking] You know what has one strap? Machine guns. You know what else? Electric guitars.
Greg Heffley: [continues walking] You know what else?
Rowley Jefferson: Purses?
Susan Heffley: What is this?
[holds up dirty magazine]
Rodrick Heffley: That's not mine!
Susan Heffley: It was in your backpack.
Rodrick Heffley: No! It was in my room.
Susan Heffley: Does owning this magazine make you a better person?
Rodrick Heffley: No.
Susan Heffley: Did owning it make you more popular at school?
Rodrick Heffley: Yes!
Rodrick Heffley: No.
Susan Heffley: How do you feel about owning this type of magazine?
Rodrick Heffley: Ashamed!
Susan Heffley: Do you have anything you want to say to women for having owned this offensive magazine?
Rodrick Heffley: I'm sorry, women.
Greg Heffley: Rowley, if you had to say what you were ranked in terms of popularity from one to two hundred, where would you put yourself?
Rowley Jefferson: Is two hundred good or bad?
Greg Heffley: I'd say you're somewhere around the 154 mark. I'd put myself around number 19 or 20. I might even have a shot at the top spot by the end of the year. If things will go the way I think they will.
Rowley Jefferson: Who's at the bottom?
Fregley: Hey, guys! Wanna see my secret freckle?
Greg Heffley: Fregley, sent home for hygiene issues at least once a month.
Fregley: Check it out. It's got a hair in it!
Patty Ferrell: [grunts] Come on! What you waiting for, huh? Don't be such a wuss, Heffley. Make your move!
Greg Heffley: She's a girl! Where do I grab her?
Angie Steadman: This place is an intellectual wasteland.
Patty Ferrell: This has got to be the worst fight ever!
Chirag Gupta: Good God, man. You almost got the Cheese Touch!
Greg Heffley: We'll hide here for the rest of class because I'm not playing that game! It's not fair. He's got all the neanderthals on the same team. It's barbaric!
Angie Steadman: It's completely barbaric. This place is an intellectual wasteland. But it's nice to meet a person more interested in his mind than his body.
Rowley Jefferson: You girls get to jump rope. What are you doing hiding?
Angie Steadman: Avoiding the pain. It all starts in middle school, you know? You're not a kid anymore. The coddling has stopped. Kids are now separated by intelligence. The weak are picked on and girls that you've known since kindergarten won't even talk to you anymore.
Greg Heffley: Well, it sounds like you've got it all figured out so go back to your book.
Angie Steadman: This place is a glorified holding pen. It's where adults put you as you make that awkward transition between child and teenager so they don't even have to look at you.
Angie Steadman: Hi. I'm Angie.
Greg Heffley: [Pulls Rowley's hand away] Great Story! We're going to go now.
Rowley Jefferson: Why? This is a good spot.
Angie Steadman: It's a perfect spot. I survived all of the sixth grade here and I would enjoy some like-minded company to get me through the seventh.
Greg Heffley: Is that the whistle? I think I hear the whistle.
Greg Heffley: We need to go!
Greg Heffley: Trust me, you can't recover from social suicide.
Patty Ferrell: Here's your yearbook. You're not in it that much! Maybe try to get out there a little next year?
Angie Steadman: You know what, Patti? One day middle school will end and become high school and after that it just becomes life. All those things you think are important now won't be anymore.
Patty Ferrell: [scoffs] You wish!
Greg Heffley: I need something to make me a class favorite.
Angie Steadman: What about class favorites?
Greg Heffley: Don't you ever say hi or hello before you start talking?
Rowley Jefferson: [waves] Hi!
Angie Steadman: Hello.
Rowley Jefferson: Greg is only here because he wants to get into.
Greg Heffley: [interrupts] Rowley! I was just saying that I would really like to nail these people because it's so obvious they're only doing these activities to get into the yearbook.
Angie Steadman: You know, I like your point of view. You should sign up for the school paper. We are the voice of the people. Well, the people are mostly idiots so technically speaking we're the voice of the people making fun of the people.
Greg Heffley: Thanks, but I can't be on the paper because I'm going to be in the paper a lot. It would be a conflict of interest.
Angie Steadman: [nods] You're the people. Got it.
Angie Steadman: Hey Rowley! Congratulations.
Rowley Jefferson: Thanks!
Angie Steadman: No problem. You know, I read all the submissions and yours was by far the best.
[looks at Greg]
Angie Steadman: I read yours, too.
Angie Steadman: [laughing] You rejected the school paper, but you joined the Safety Patrol. Are you working your way down the evolutionary ladder?
Greg Heffley: What?
Angie Steadman: Look, Safety Patrol is the lowest of the low.
Rodrick Heffley: You never sign up for anything at school. You fly below the radar! That way you never raise anybody's expectations.
Greg Heffley: [looking at class favorites] The class favorites.
[opening the section]
Greg Heffley: They're the best in their class. These people aren't nobodies. They're famous. They don't have to worry about getting a seat in the cafeteria, either. Check this out. There's tons of things I qualify for: "Most Likely to Succeed", "Best Looking", "Class Clown". They should just give that to me right now.
Rowley Jefferson: Don't you have to be funny for that?
[spotting something in the section]
Rowley Jefferson: Hey! We can try for cutest friends!
Fregley: Dear Gregory, I'm very sorry I chased you with a booger on my finger. Here, I put it on this paper so you can get me back.
Rowley Jefferson: I like zoo-wee-mama.
Greg Heffley: You know what? If you like it so much then why don't you go do it yourself.
Greg Heffley: Ok, then I will. See ya!