The Five-Year Engagement (2012)
Alex Eilhauer: Seeing you chop onions is depressing. It's like watching Michael Jordan take a shit.
Suzie Barnes-Eilhauer: This is supposed to be exciting. It's your wedding - you only get a few of these!
Tom Solomon: How could you do this to me?
Winton Childs: I haven't done anything to you, Violet did something to you; not me. If a woman wants to kiss me I'm going to fucking kiss her. Underneath all that polite bullshit we're all running on caveman software. If she's got a husband, or a fiancé, or a boyfriend it's on her conscience, not mine.
Tom Solomon: You should run.
Winton Childs: Look Tom, this is ridiculous. Let's just put a stop to this now, please. Come on, I'm sorry. I really am.
Tom Solomon: Winton, if you feel bad at all for what you did then you'll run from me.
Winton Childs: Well, okay, I'll keep running. I'm off.
Alex Eilhauer: I feel like I'm drinking out of Chewbacca's dick.
Taco Customer: You're a white guy. You make tacos like a Mexican.
Tom Solomon: Thanks.
Taco Customer: Give me a hug.
Tom Solomon: Really?
Taco Customer: Give me a hug, now!
Tom Solomon: Alright.
Taco Customer: [goes in for the hug] Mmm. You smell like a taco.
Violet Barnes: Where are you going?
Doug: Uh... On my way to University of North Dakota.
Violet Barnes: Oh! Well, that's good.
Doug: Yeah. No, no, it's great. I'm excited. I'ma be a pioneer. I'll be the first black guy to freeze to death. It's gonna be cool. Yeah, I'm pumped up about it.
Violet Barnes: Cool.
Doug: Yeah. It's just like that song, y'know. I get knocked down, except I get up again in North Dakota, which is the worst place on Earth.
Tom Solomon: Chef, I'm trying to propose to my future wife just right now. Literally right now.
Chef Sally: Wow. Okay. Wow. Congratulations to both of you guys. Live long and prosper. No, that's weird, that's Star Trek.
George Barnes: The first important thing to remember about marriage is that it requires commitment. The second important thing to remember about marriage is that so does insanity.
Tom Solomon: I was not flirting, okay?
Alex Eilhauer: Oh really?
Tom Solomon: I was being friendly.
Alex Eilhauer: Yeah, right. You were sending telepathic wiener missiles at her face. And you know it.
Suzie Barnes-Eilhauer: This is your wedding. You only get a few of these.
Violet Barnes: What is your crossbow doing on the kitchen table?
Tom Solomon: A crossbow doesn't clean itself, you know.
Violet Barnes: He kissed me, Tom!
Tom Solomon: K, you know what? That is a cop out. That is not fair. Yes, he may have been the one who kissed you. But there is a reason that he felt like that was an option. You know that's the truth.
Suzie Barnes-Eilhauer: [Impression of Elmo] Elmo thinks you should do what you feel is right.
Violet Barnes: Well, I don't really know what I think is right. I think just, time will tell.
Suzie Barnes-Eilhauer: [Impression of Elmo] Elmo thinks time will tell.
Violet Barnes: Could you mind not doing that because you're repeating what I'm saying.
Suzie Barnes-Eilhauer: [Impression of Elmo] Elmo thinks you should shit or get off the pot.
Violet Barnes: [Impression of Cookie Monster] But me think that's a really rude thing to say, Elmo.
Suzie Barnes-Eilhauer: [Impression of Elmo] But Elmo says it's been almost five years! Almost five years! You either love him or you don't!
Violet Barnes: [Impression of Cookie Monster] Me love him but it's very complicated. Cookie doesn't get everything handed to him on a silver platter like Elmo.
Suzie Barnes-Eilhauer: [Impression of Elmo] Cookie does a career he wanted. Tom moved to Michigan so Cookie could work okay? Elmo wanted to be a kinesiologist but instead, Elmo is cleaning puke off her shirt every day!
Violet Barnes: [Impression of Cookie Monster] Well maybe as nice as little elmos are, Elmo should have considered using protection! C is for condom! That's good enough for me!
Suzie Barnes-Eilhauer: [Impression of Elmo] Elmo is very happy with Elmo's little elmos okay? Elmo would just like a break! Once in a while! Elmo never gets a break!
Violet Barnes: [Impression of Cookie Monster] Fine! This is fine! But this is precisely why Cookie wants to take the time to consider if he's picked the right cookie for his life!
Suzie Barnes-Eilhauer: [Impression of Elmo] Well maybe Elmo thinks there is no right cookie, you just pick one and take a bite!
Violet Barnes: [softly] Alright.