Up in the Air (I) (2009)
Ryan Bingham: [in a hotel bar after emptying their memberships cards from their wallets] Aww... Maplewood card. How dare you bring that into this palace?
Alex Goran: Hilton offers equal value and better food but the Maplewood gives out warm cookies at check-in... I'm a sucker for simulated hospitality.
Ryan Bingham: There's an industry term for that. It's a mixture of faux and homey - faumey.
Alex Goran: Oh, my God. I wasn't sure this actually existed. This is the American Airlines...
Ryan Bingham: It's a Concierge Key, yeah.
Alex Goran: What is that, carbon fibre?
Ryan Bingham: Graphite.
Alex Goran: Oh, I love the weight.
Ryan Bingham: I was pretty excited the day that bad boy came in.
Alex Goran: I'll say. I put up pretty pedestrian numbers. 60 thousand a year, domestic.
Ryan Bingham: That's not bad.
Alex Goran: Don't patronize me. What's your total?
Ryan Bingham: It's a personal question.
Alex Goran: Please.
Ryan Bingham: And we hardly know each other.
Alex Goran: Come on, show some hubris. Come on, impress me. I bet it's huge.
Ryan Bingham: You have no idea.
Alex Goran: How big? What is it, this big? This big?
Ryan Bingham: I don't want to brag.
Alex Goran: Oh, come on! Come on.
Ryan Bingham: Let's just say I have a number in mind and I haven't hit it yet.
Alex Goran: This is pretty fucking sexy.
Ryan Bingham: Hope it doesn't cheapen our relationship.
Alex Goran: We're two people who get turned on by elite status. I think cheap is our starting point.
Ryan Bingham: There's nothing cheap about loyalty.
Ryan Bingham: [on the docks in Miami] You know that moment when you look into somebody's eyes and you can feel them staring into your soul and the whole world goes quiet just for a second?
Natalie Keener: Yes.
Ryan Bingham: [shrugs] Right. Well, I don't.
Natalie Keener: you're an asshole.
Ryan Bingham: [giving a motivational speech] How much does your life weigh? Imagine for a second that you're carrying a backpack. I want you to feel the straps on your shoulders. Feel 'em? Now I want you to pack it with all the stuff that you have in your life. You start with the little things. The things on shelves and in drawers, the knick-knacks, the collectibles. Feel the weight as that adds up. Then you start adding larger stuff, clothes, table-top appliances, lamps, linens, your TV. The backpack should be getting pretty heavy now. And you go bigger. Your couch, bed, your kitchen table. Stuff it all in there. Your car, get it in there. Your home, whether it's a studio apartment or a two bedroom house. I want you to stuff it all into that backpack. Now try to walk. It's kind of hard, isn't it? This is what we do to ourselves on a daily basis. We weigh ourselves down until we can't even move. And make no mistake, moving is living. Now, I'm gonna set that backpack on fire. What do you want to take out of it? What do you want to take out of it? Photos? Photos are for people who can't remember. Drink some ginkgo and let the photos burn. In fact, let everything burn and imagine waking up tomorrow with nothing. It's kind of exhilarating, isn't it? Now, this is gonna be a little difficult, so stay with me. You have a new backpack. Only this time, I want you to fill it with people. Start with casual acquaintances, friends of friends, folks around the office, and then you move into the people that you trust with your most intimate secrets. Your cousins, your aunts, your uncles, your brothers, your sisters, your parents and finally your husband, your wife, your boyfriend or your girlfriend. You get them into that backpack. And don't worry. I'm not gonna ask you to light it on fire. Feel the weight of that bag. Make no mistake - your relationships are the heaviest components in your life. Do you feel the straps cutting into your shoulders? All those negotiations and arguments, and secrets and compromises. You don't need to carry all that weight. Why don't you set that bag down? Some animals were meant to carry each other, to live symbiotically for a lifetime - star crossed lovers, monogamous swans. We are not those animals. The slower we move, the faster we die. We are not swans. We're sharks.
Natalie Keener: [sitting across from Ryan and Alex in Miami] I thought I'd be engaged by now. I thought by 23, I'd be married, maybe have a kid, corner office by day, entertaining at night. I was supposed to be driving a Grand Cherokee by now.
Alex Goran: Well, life can underwhelm you that way.
Natalie Keener: Where did you think you'd be by err...?
Alex Goran: It doesn't work that way. At a certain point, you stop with the dead lines. It can be a little counter productive.
Natalie Keener: I don't want to say anything that is anti feminist. I really appreciate everything that your generation did for me.
Alex Goran: It was our pleasure.
Ryan Bingham: well done.
Alex Goran: Sometimes it feels like, no matter how much success I have, it's not gonna matter until I find the right guy. I could have made it work, he really fit the bill, you know. White collar, 6'1, college grad, loves dogs, likes funny movies, brown hair, kind eyes, works in finance but is outdoorsy. I always imagined he'd have a single syllable name like Matt or John or Dave. In a perfect world, he drives a 4 runner and the only thing he loves more than me is his golden lab. And a nice smile. What about you?
Alex Goran: You know, honestly by the time you're 34, all the physical requirements just go out the window. You secretly pray that he'll be taller than you, not an asshole would be nice just someone who enjoys my company, comes from a good family. You don't think about that when you're younger. Someone who wants kids, likes kids. Healthy enough to play with his kids. Please let him earn more money than I do, you might not understand that now but believe me, you will one day otherwise that's a recipe for disaster. And hopefully, some hair on his head. I mean, that's not even a deal breaker these days. A nice smile. Yea, a nice smile just might do it.
Natalie Keener: Wow. That was depressing.
Ryan Bingham: [toNatalie while watching passengers go through airport security] Never get behind people traveling with infants. I've never seen a stroller collapse in less than 20 minutes. Old people are worse. Their bodies are littered with hidden metal and they never seem to appreciate how little time they have left. Bingo, Asians. They pack light, travel efficiently, and they have a thing for slip on shoes. Gotta love 'em.
Natalie Keener: That's racist.
Ryan Bingham: I'm like my mother, I stereotype. It's faster.
Ryan Bingham: [trying to convince Jim to marry Julie after he got cold feet as Kara watches through the window of the closed door] If you think about it, your favorite memories, the most important moments in your life... were you alone?
Jim Miller: No, I guess not.
Ryan Bingham: Hey, come to think of it, last night, the night before your wedding, when all this shit is swirling around in your head, weren't you guys sleeping in separate bedrooms?
Jim Miller: Yeah, Julie went back to the apartment, and I was just by myself in the honeymoon suite.
Ryan Bingham: Kind of lonely, huh?
Jim Miller: Yes, it was pretty lonely.
Ryan Bingham: Life's better with company.
Jim Miller: Yeah.
Ryan Bingham: [narrating last lines] Tonight most people will be welcomed home by jumping dogs and squeling kids and thousands more will ask about their day and tonight they'll sleep. The stars will wheel forth from their daytime hiding places; and one of those lights, slightly brighter than the rest, will be my wingtip passing over.
Natalie Keener: [in hotel restaurant] Hungry much?
Ryan Bingham: Our business expense allots forty dollars each for dinner. I plan on grabbing as many miles as I can.
Natalie Keener: Okay, you got to fill me in on the miles thing. What is that about? You're talking about, like, frequent flyer miles?
Ryan Bingham: You really want to know?
Natalie Keener: I'm dying to know.
Ryan Bingham: I don't spend a nickel, if I can help it, unless it somehow profits my mileage account.
Natalie Keener: So, what are you saving up for? Hawaii? South of France?
Ryan Bingham: It's not like that. The miles are the goal.
Natalie Keener: That's it? You're saving just to save?
Ryan Bingham: Let's just say that I have a number in mind and I haven't hit it yet.
Natalie Keener: That's a little abstract. What's the target?
Ryan Bingham: I'd rather not...
Natalie Keener: Is it a secret target?
Ryan Bingham: It's ten million miles.
Natalie Keener: Okay. Isn't ten million just a number?
Ryan Bingham: Pi's just a number.
Natalie Keener: Well, we all need a hobby. No, I- I- I don't mean to belittle your collection. I get it. It sounds cool.
Ryan Bingham: I'd be the seventh person to do it. More people have walked on the moon.
Natalie Keener: Do they throw you a parade?
Ryan Bingham: You get lifetime executive status. You get to meet the chief pilot, Maynard Finch.
Natalie Keener: Wow.
Ryan Bingham: And they put your name on the side of a plane.
Natalie Keener: Men get such hardons from putting their names on things. You guys don't grow up. It's like you need to pee on everything.
Ryan Bingham: [sitting next to Natalie] You know why kids love athletes?
Bob: Because they screw lingerie models.
Ryan Bingham: No, that's why we love athletes. Kids love athletes because they follow their dreams.
Bob: well I cant dunk
Alex Goran: [in Miami, referring to Natalie's boyfriend] He broke up with you over text message?
Ryan Bingham: That's kind of like firing someone over the Internet.
Ryan Bingham: [after being informed by Ryan that his been let go] Your resume says you minored in French Culinary Arts. Most students work the frier at KFC. You bussed tables at Il Picatorre to support yourself. Then you got out of college and started working here. How much did they pay you to give up on your dreams?
Bob: Twenty seven thousand a year.
Ryan Bingham: [sitting next to Natalie] At what point were you going to stop and go back to what made you happy?
Bob: that's a good question.
Ryan Bingham: [over the phone] I thought I was a part of your life.
Alex Goran: I thought we signed up for the same thing... I thought our relationship was perfectly clear. You are an escape. You're a break from our normal lives. You're a parenthesis.
Ryan Bingham: I'm a parenthesis?
Alex Goran: [referring to Natalie's boyfriend, in Miami] What a weasly prick.
Natalie Keener: Yeah, but what does that make me? Someone who falls for a prick.
Alex Goran: [sitting next to Ryan] We all fall for the pricks. Pricks are spontaneous, they're unpredictable and they're fun. And then we're surprised when they turn out to be pricks.
Natalie Keener: [to Alex at a convention party they snuck into with Ryan] You're so pretty. You're exactly what I want to look like in fifteen years.
Ryan Bingham: [narrating] Last year I spent 322 days on the road, which means I had to spend 43 miserable days at home.
Natalie Keener: [to Ryan after an employee angrily accepted his release] Please, for the love of God, can I fire the next one.
Alex Goran: [over the phone] You never called.
Ryan Bingham: Well, I wasn't sure what was appropriate.
Alex Goran: Appropriate? Ryan, I'm not some waitress you banged in a snowstorm. That word has no place in our vocabulary. I am the woman that you don't have to worry about.
Ryan Bingham: Sounds like a trap.
Alex Goran: Listen, the next time that you're worried about manners, don't. If you want to call, call. Just think of me as yourself, only with a vagina.
Ryan Bingham: When am I going to see you?
San Francisco Manager: [interviewing Natalie for a job] So, what happened?
Natalie Keener: How exactly do you mean?
San Francisco Manager: You graduated top of your class. You could have had your pick of employment, including right here. Instead, you went to Omaha to... fire people for a living?
Natalie Keener: Challenging work.
San Francisco Manager: I'll say. I couldn't imagine doing that day in and day out. Not in this climate.
Natalie Keener: I... followed a boy.
San Francisco Manager: I guess we've all done that at some point in our lives.
[the manager pauses and picks up a letter from his desk, showing it to Natalie]
San Francisco Manager: This guy says I'd be lucky to have you.
Ryan Bingham: [voiceover, reading the letter] To whom it may concern: I can't begin to count the number of people I've fired in my lifetime. So many that I've forgotten what it's like to actually hire someone. We've never met, but I know you'd be lucky to have Natalie Keener. My advice? Take her and don't look back. She'll be the best decision you've made in a long time.
San Francisco Manager: [holding his hand out] I sure hope he's right.
[Natalie springs to her feet and shakes hands, gathering her composure and trying not to smile too broadly]
Ryan Bingham: [while eating breakfast in Miami] So, did you wake him up or slip out?
Natalie Keener: What?
Ryan Bingham: This morning. Your new friend. Did you wake him up for an awkward goodbye or did you just slip out and make him feel like a whore?
Natalie Keener: [confused] I just left.
Ryan Bingham: Protocol's always tricky.
Ryan Bingham: [sitting across the aisle from each other on a plane] Natalie, what is it you think we do here?
Natalie Keener: We prepare the newly unemployed for the emotional and physical hurdles of job hunting, while minimizing legal blow-back.
Ryan Bingham: That's what we're selling. It's not what we're doing.
Natalie Keener: Okay, what are we doing?
Ryan Bingham: We are here to make limbo tolerable, to ferry wounded souls across the river of dread until the point were hope is dimly visible. And then stop the boat, shove them in the water and make them swim.
Flight Attendant: Would you like the cancer?
Ryan Bingham: What?
Flight Attendant: [misunderstanding her] the cancer?
Flight Attendant: [showing him the actual beverage can] Would you like the can, sir?
Ryan Bingham: [Natalie, on her first outing, walks into the Omaha Airport terminal dragging her slow-moving luggage; Ryan, irritated by this, looks at her in frustration]
Natalie Keener: What?
Ryan Bingham: Follow me.
[later at a store in the terminal, Ryan grabs a new, updated rolling luggage]
Natalie Keener: I really like my luggage.
Ryan Bingham: That's exactly what it is, it's luggage. You know how much time you lose by checking in?
Natalie Keener: I don't know. Five, ten minutes?
Ryan Bingham: 35 minutes a flight. I travel 270 days a year. That's 157 hours. That makes seven days. You're willing to throw away an entire week on that?
[first lines, after being informed by Ryan that they've been let go]
Terminated Employee: This is what I get in return for 30 years of service for my company? And they send some yo-yo like you in here to try to tell me that I'm out of a job? They should be telling you *you're* out of a job.
Terminated Employee: You have a lot of gall coming in here and firing your number one producer. And then you're going to go home tomorrow and make more money than you've ever made in your life, and I'm going to go home without a pay check. Fuck you.
Terminated Employee: I just... I guess you leave me dumbfounded. I don't know where this is coming from. How am I supposed to go back as a man and explain this to my wife that I lost my job?
Terminated Employee: On a street level, I've heard that losing your job is like a death in the family. But personally, I feel more like the people I worked with were my family and *I* died.
Terminated Employee: I can't afford to be unemployed. I have a house payment. I have children.
Terminated Employee: I don't know how you can live with yourself, but I'm sure that you'll find a way while the rest of us are suffering.
Terminated Employee: [on the verge of tears] Who the fuck are you, man?
Ryan Bingham: Excellent question. Who the fuck am I? Poor Steve has worked here for seven years. He's never had a meeting with me before, or passed me in the hall, or told me a story in the break room. And that's because I don't work here. I work for another company that lends me out to pussies like Steve's boss, who don't have the balls to sack their own employees, and in some cases, for good reason. Because people do crazy shit when they get fired.
[sitting across from each other on a shuttle bus to the Hilton Miami Airport Hotel]
Natalie Keener: Never?
Ryan Bingham: No.
Natalie Keener: Ever?
Ryan Bingham: No.
Natalie Keener: You never wanna get married?
Ryan Bingham: Nope.
Natalie Keener: Never want kids?
Ryan Bingham: Not a chance.
Natalie Keener: Ever?
Ryan Bingham: Never. Is that so bizarre?
Natalie Keener: Yes. Yes, it is.
Ryan Bingham: I just don't see the value in it. All right, sell it to me.
Natalie Keener: What?
Ryan Bingham: Sell me marriage.
Natalie Keener: Okay. How about love?
Ryan Bingham: [scoffs] Okay.
Natalie Keener: Stability. Just somebody you can count on.
Ryan Bingham: How many stable marriages do you know?
Natalie Keener: Somebody to talk to, someone to spend your life with.
Ryan Bingham: I'm surrounded by people to talk to. I doubt that's gonna change.
Ryan Bingham: [narrating] All the things you probably hate about travelling -the recycled air, the artificial lighting, the digital juice dispensers, the cheap sushi- are warm reminders that I'm home
Natalie Keener: [Ryan overhears Natalie talking about him on the phone to her boyfriend] No, I don't think of him that way; he's old.
[Startled, Ryan looks in the mirror]
[Ryan and Natalie arrived at the Hilton hotel where Ryan jumps to the counter to check with his Hilton Honors card; A woman becomes insulted by this]
Business Woman: He just waltzes in and cuts in line?
Hilton Clerk: We reserve priority assistance for our Hilton Honors members.
Ryan Bingham: [hands the business woman the packet] The promotions are great. You should check it out.
[the woman snatches the packet from Ryan in anger; Ryan laughs]
Ryan Bingham: [walking past Middle Eastern passengers at airport security check in with Natalie] Five words: "randomly selected for additional screening"
Natalie Keener: [Ryan presenting a mock firing to Craig to prove to him that Natalie is not qualified to do her job] Mr. Bingham, I regret to inform you that your position at this company is no longer available
Ryan Bingham: Who the hell are you?
Natalie Keener: My name is Ms. Keener; I'm here to tell you about your future
Ryan Bingham: My future? The only one who can fire me is Greg Gregory
Natalie Keener: Mr. Gregory asked me to handle this for him
Ryan Bingham: Handle what? Handle me? Mr. Gregory hired me, he is the only who can fire me,
Ryan Bingham: [stands up and starts walking towards the door] you know what? I'm going to go talk to him, no, no, no, you can't follow me you're on a computer screen remember? Ok let's try this again, fire me again
Natalie Keener: I just did
Ryan Bingham: Actually you didn't, fire me again
Ryan Bingham: Mr. Bingham, I 'm here today to inform you that your position with no longer available
Ryan Bingham: [Pretending to be sad] I'm fired?
Natalie Keener: Yes, you're fired
Ryan Bingham: Never say "fired"
Natalie Keener: You've been let go
Ryan Bingham: Why?
Natalie Keener: This is a mythical situation, how could I possibly know why
Ryan Bingham: The "why" doesn't matter, you never know why
Natalie Keener: It's important not to focus on the "why" but rather spend your energy thinking about your future.
Ryan Bingham: Well, I'm going to spend my energy on suing you unless you give me a good reason why you're firing me
Natalie Keener: Mr. Bingham, the reason's not important
Ryan Bingham: So, you're firing without grounds, now I really have a lawsuit
Ryan Bingham: [giving a motivational speech] Anybody who ever built an empire, or changed the world, sat where you are now. And it's *because* they sat there that they were able to do it.
[as Ryan and Natalie enter the Hilton Miami Airport Hotel]
Natalie Keener: How about just not dying alone?
Ryan Bingham: Starting when I was 12, we moved each one of my grandparents into a nursing facility. My parents went the same way. Make no mistake, we all die alone. Now those cult members in San Diego, with the sneakers and the Kool-Aid, they didn't die alone. I'm just saying there are options.
[Natalie starts to cry]
Ryan Bingham: Oh, fuck.
Natalie Keener: [sobs] Brian left me.
[Natalie is sobbing hysterically and hugs Ryan then comforts her and calms her down]
Ryan Bingham: All right. Okay, okay. All right. All right.
[Ryan meets Alex Goran for the first time at a hotel bar]
Ryan Bingham: Are you satisfied with Maestro?
Alex Goran: Yeah, I am.
Ryan Bingham: A little stingy with their miles. I like Hertz.
Alex Goran: No, Hertz keeps its vehicles too long. If a car has over 20,000 miles, I won't drive it.
Ryan Bingham: Maestro doesn't instant checkout. I like to park and go.
Alex Goran: Hertz doesn't guarantee navigation.
Ryan Bingham: It's funny. You don't seem like a girl who needs directions.
Alex Goran: Oh, I hate asking for directions. That's why I get a nav.
Ryan Bingham: That new outfit, Colonial, it's not bad.
Alex Goran: [impressed and flattered] Is that a joke?
Ryan Bingham: Yes.
Alex Goran: Because their kiosk placement blows.
Ryan Bingham: They never have available upgrades.
Alex Goran: Basically, it's a fleet of shit-boxes. I don't know how they're still in business.
Ryan Bingham: I'm Ryan.
Alex Goran: I'm Alex.
[after they both have sex in Ryan's room; Ryan lays on the floor whilst Alex, naked, lies on the bed]
Ryan Bingham: Good call on that towel rack.
Alex Goran: I like how you burritoed me in the sofa cushions.
Ryan Bingham: I was improvising.
Alex Goran: Shame we didn't make it to the closet.
Ryan Bingham: Mmm. We gotta do this again.
Alex Goran: Oh. yeah.
Ryan Bingham: [sitting across the aisle from each other on a plane] Are you angry at your computer?
Natalie Keener: I type with purpose.
Ryan Bingham: [trying to convince Jim to marry Julie after he got cold feet as Kara watches through the window of the closed door] Jim it's Marriage, it's one of the most beautiful things on Earth, it's what people aspired.
Jim Miller: Well you never got married...
Ryan Bingham: That's true...
Jim Miller: I mean, you never even tried.
Ryan Bingham: Uh, it's hard to define "tried'.
Ryan Bingham: [waiting with Alex in a check-in line at the Wisconsin hotel] Are you available?
Check-in Lady: This line's reserved for members of our Matterhorn Program.
Natalie Keener: [to Ryan,on the docks in Miami] Can you stop sounding condescending for one second or is that one of the principles of your bullshit philosophy?
Craig Gregory: [over the phone] How's the road warrior?
Ryan Bingham: Twenty minutes from boarding into a world of bliss.
Craig Gregory: Great numbers out of Phoenix. You know Big Auto is going to drop another 10K this month.
Ryan Bingham: No kidding?
Craig Gregory: Yeah, Christmas came early.
Ryan Bingham: [Narrating] Every Family has a person who keeps the genealogy in check that's my sister Kara: the glue
Kara Bingham: [Over the phone] Hello,Hey how you holding up?
Ryan Bingham: Fine you and the kids?
Kara Bingham: Missy's outstanding Matthew made varsity how's the road?
Ryan Bingham: Couldn't be better
Kara Bingham: Good, I didn't want to ask you this I know how you are about doing things for others but we're coming up on Julie's and there's something we could use your help on
Ryan Bingham: Yeah
Kara Bingham: We've been sending people kits so they can print out photos of Julie and Jim on card board and then photos of them at interesting places kind of like the Nome in that French movie
Ryan Bingham: Why
Kara Bingham: Because its Julie's wedding and she thinks it would be fun, does it matter why?
Ryan Bingham: How is Julie?
Kara Bingham: Would you call her? She thinks you've turned to butter so your assistant said you're going to be in Vegas, can you get a photo of the cut out in front of the Luxor pyramid?
Ryan Bingham: The place is a shit hole nobody stays there
Kara Bingham: I'm not asking you to check in can you just take a stupid photo?
Ryan Bingham: I'll "try my best"
Kara Bingham: Thank you for "trying your best"
Natalie Keener: [sitting across from Ryan and Alex] I should just date women
Alex Goran: [sitting next to Ryan while the three of them have drinks] I tried it, we're no picnic ourselves
Natalie Keener: I don't mind being married to my career and I don't expect it to hold me in bed as I sleep, I just don't want to settle
Alex Goran: You're young, right now you see settling down as a failure
Natalie Keener: It is, by definition
Alex Goran: By the time someone is right for you it won't feel like settling and the only one to judge you will be the twenty three year old with the target on your back
Ryan Bingham: [to Natalie during a mock firing with Craig watching] Personally? This the most personal situation you'll going to enter, so before you try to "revolutionize" my business, I'd like to know you actually know my business.
Steve: [after being informed by Ryan that his been let go] Did I do something wrong? Is there something I can do differently?
Ryan Bingham: This is not an assessment of your productivity. Try not to take this personally. I want you to review this packet. Take it seriously. I think you'll find a lot of good answers in here. This is not an assessment of your productivity
Steve: [Sarcastically] I'm sure this will be very helpful, a packet thank you
Ryan Bingham: I need your key card I want you to take the day get together your personal things then tomorrow get yourself some exercise go out for a jog give your some routines and pretty soon you'll find your likes
Steve: How do I get in touch with you?
Ryan Bingham: Don't worry we'll be in touch with you soon, this is just the beginning
Ryan Bingham: [Narrating] I'll never see Steve again.
Ryan Bingham: [Narrating] To know me, is to fly with me the airport is where I temporary live. When I run my card the system automatically prompts the desk clerk to greet me with this exact statement "pleasure to see you again" it's these kinds of systematized friendly touches that keeps my world in orbit every once and a while I do speaking engagement motivational kind of stuff but Gold Quest? We're talking Major Tony Robbins shit
Ryan Bingham: [Over the phone] Get me in a Dodge Stratus in Kansas City
Kevin: [Over the phone] They're completely out of full size Sedans
Ryan Bingham: [Over the phone] Did you try...?
Kevin: [Over the phone] Yes I reminded them of your remarkable number one gold club status for years in the program they are literally moving mountains to see who has the next available one
Ryan Bingham: [Over the phone] Fair enough, any other messages?
Kevin: [Over the phone] Your sister Kara called needs to speak urgently about your sister's wedding I told them you were in the air and even I didn't know your destination
Ryan Bingham: [Over the phone] Well done
Kevin: [Over the phone] And you got an invitation to speak at Gold Quest in Vegas
Ryan Bingham: [Over the phone] Gold Quest twenty?
Kevin: [Looking at the invitation while still on the phone] It's got a hologram on it their calling it Dos Equis
Craig Gregory: [Over the phone] I wish I could have you in about five places at once but I do need you back in Omaha by the end of the week.
Ryan Bingham: [Over the phone] I thought you needed me everywhere
Craig Gregory: [Over the phone] We got something real big here a real "game changer"
Ryan Bingham: [Over the phone] What are we talking about?
Craig Gregory: [Over the phone] You'll see, today I took my first crap in two weeks hallelujah.
Ryan Bingham: [Over the phone] That's me hanging up on you
Craig Gregory: [Over the phone] Great, I love that sound
Ryan Bingham: [in a hotel bar, exchanging sexual encounter stories while they were flying] So we came up with this master plan which was for me to put gauze to bandage up my hands and when we gotten up to the plane, Trans-Atlantic flying to Zürich we walked up, waited until it was dark walked up to the bath room with her and they were watching a movie opened up went inside she opened the door for me came in and she was going to help me we gave it our best shot, it wasn't great but it was fun and tricky
Alex Goran: Give me some details
Ryan Bingham: Well it's not so easy have you ever tried it?
Alex Goran: Yes I have
Ryan Bingham: Really?
Alex Goran: Really
Ryan Bingham: You've done that?
Alex Goran: I have done that
Ryan Bingham: Done it on a Trans-Atlantic fight?
Alex Goran: And domestic, regional actually
Ryan Bingham: How about at night time?
Alex Goran: Only day time
Ryan Bingham: How do you do that?
Alex Goran: I'm really flexible
Ryan Bingham: [sitting across from each other, exchanging traveling schedules by looking through their laptop computers] I'm in Newark on the twelfth Bethesda on the thirteenth Oklahoma City on the fifteenth
Alex Goran: Heading south west? I'll be in Albuquerque on the weekend of the sixteenth
Ryan Bingham: I'll be in Florida on the twentieth
Alex Goran: Fort Lauderdale?
Ryan Bingham: Miami
Alex Goran: I should probably go back to my room so I can wake up in my bed
Ryan Bingham: I think that would be the likely thing to do
Craig Gregory: [to the staff] I know there's been a lot of whispering about why we're here, retailers are down twenty percent auto industry is a dump, the housing market doesn't have a heart beat it is one of the worst times on record for America, this is our moment. Last summer received a dynamite of a young woman from Cornell and she came up with some pretty big ideas that she challenged me with and my first reaction was "who does this kid think she is?" after I gave it a listen she really knocked me out with a peek into our future: Natalie Keener
Natalie Keener: [giving her presentation to the staff with Craig present] If there's one word I want to leave you with is ""glocal" our global must become our local. This company keeps twenty three people on the road at least two hundred fifty days a year, its expensive and it's inefficient, when I came to Craig three months ago with this, he told me and quite astutely " it's only a problem if you have a solution", today I stand before you with just that, you all know Ned in reception, today I'm going to "fire" Ned, now Ned could be any employee at anyone of our client's locations worldwide. Strategy packets will be shipped in advance and they'll be given a seat where one of our transitional specialists will be waiting for them.
Natalie Keener: [using Ned as an example to fire someone over the internet using video conference] Mr. Laskim, The reason we're having this conversation is because your position at this company is no longer available
Ned: [reading the script he was given] I don't understand I'm fired?
Natalie Keener: Hearing the words "you've been let go" is never easy change is always scary but consider the following: anybody who ever built an empire, or changed the world, sat where you are now. And it's because they sat there that they were able to do it.
Ryan Bingham: [while watching her presentation, quietly to a colleague] that's my fucking line
Ned: what happens now?
Natalie Keener: This is the first step in a new process that will end with you at a job that fulfills you
Ned: Yeah, but how does it work?
Natalie Keener: You're going to take the packet in front of you review it, all the answers you're looking for are inside. Start filling out the necessary information and before you know it and before you know it you'll be on your way to new opportunities. I need you to go back to your desk and putting together your things. As a favor to me I'd appreciate it if you don't spread the news just yet panic doesn't help anyone
Ned: I understand
Natalie Keener: [to the staff] give it up for Ned
Natalie Keener: [concluding her presentation] You can start the morning in Boston stop in Dallas over lunch and finish the day in San Francisco all for the price of a T-1 line. Our inflated travel budget increased by eighty five percent, more importantly to you guys on the road, no more Christmases in a hotel in Tulsa no more hours lost to weather delays you get to come home.
Ryan Bingham: [sitting across from each other on an airplane] What are you working so furiously?
Natalie Keener: [while typing on her lab top computer] I'm building a work flow of firing techniques its questions and responses, actions and reactions it's a script taking you through the steps of firing someone
Ryan Bingham: Whose it for?
Natalie Keener: Theoretically you can put it in the hands of anybody and they can start downsizing immediately all you have to do is follow the steps
Ryan Bingham: [Over the phone] I was hoping to hear from you
Alex Goran: I'm in Hot-lanta and I need a rib joint recommend bad
Ryan Bingham: Fat Matts: bring a bib
Alex Goran: [referring to the initials of the airports she'll stop at during her business trip] I'm out of Hartsfield into IAD with a connection to ORD and SDF
Ryan Bingham: Oh, sorry
Ryan Bingham: Tell me about it how long is your lay over? They got multiples at SDF can you push?
Alex Goran: Yeah I can push
Terminated Employee: [after having been told by Ryan he has been laid off as Natalie listens ] How do you sleep at night? How's your family? They sleeping well at night? Electricity still on? Heat still on? Refrigerator still full of food? Gas tank full of gas? Going to Chucky cheese this weekend or something? Not me, me and my kids are not going to do anything
Natalie Keener: [sitting across from each other, while having dinner] Fear of mortality: it's like, yeah you're going to die one day
Ryan Bingham: Why do you think that's singular to men?
Natalie Keener: Probably because you can't have babies
Ryan Bingham: The "baby argument"?
Terminated Employee: [after having been told by Ryan he has been laid off as Natalie listens] How do you sleep at night? How's your family? They sleeping well at night? Electricity still on? Heat still on? Refrigerator still full of food? Gas tank full of gas? Going to Chucky Cheese this weekend or something? Not me, me and my kids are not going to do anything
Bob: [Shows them a picture of his children, after having been informed he's been let go] What do you suggest I tell them?
Natalie Keener: Perhaps you're overlooking the positive effects your career transition will have on your children
Bob: The positive effects? I make about ninety grand a year, unemployment is two hundred fifty bucks week is that one of your positive effects? We get to be cozier because I won't be able to pay my mortgage on my house so maybe we can move into a nice one bedroom apartment and I guess without benefits I'll be able to hold my daughter as she suffers from her asthma that I won't be able to afford the medication for her
Natalie Keener: Tests have shown that children under moderate trauma tend to apply themselves academically as a method of coping
Bob: "Go fuck yourself",that's what my kids will think
Ryan Bingham: Your kids' admiration is important to you?
Bob: Yeah of course
Ryan Bingham: I doubt they ever admired you
Bob: Hey, asshole, aren't you supposed to be consoling me?
Ryan Bingham: I'm not a shrink I'm a wakeup call, I see guys who work at the same company their entire lives guys exactly like you they clock in and they clock out and they never have a moment of happiness you have an opportunity, this is a rebirth, if not for you do it for your children
Alex Goran: [Talking through text messaging] can't fall sleep
Ryan Bingham: Me too just laying here
Alex Goran: You should rub one out
Ryan Bingham: Only fair if you do it too
Alex Goran: Way ahead of you
Ryan Bingham: Call me next time so I can listen
Alex Goran: Have sweet dreams about me
Irate IT: [shouting] I am the one thing that's preventing this place from being totally fucked in the ass!
Ryan Bingham: [to Natalie] Sometimes they just need to vent.
Karen Barnes: I'm here to be fired right?
Natalie Keener: We're here to talk about your future
Karen Barnes: You don't have to "sugar coat" it I get the drill, what are they offering?
Natalie Keener: Inside the packet you'll find a clearly worked out severance package
Karen Barnes: Give me the bullet points
Natalie Keener: It's actually pretty good three months' pay, six months medical and a full year replacement services through our company's CTC
Karen Barnes: "Replacement services" that's generous
Natalie Keener: Commonly it takes one month of searching for every ten thousand dollars you earn in salary
Karen Barnes: So I could be looking for a while
Natalie Keener: Not necessarily
Karen Barnes: Don't even sweat it I'm pretty confident in my plans
Natalie Keener: Really?
Karen Barnes: Yeah there's this beautiful bridge by my house I'm going to jump off it
Alex Goran: Back home I don't get to act the way I do.
Ryan Bingham: That's why don't go back home.
Alex Goran: I know, you're so cool Mr. "empty back pack"
Ryan Bingham: You know about my back pack?
Alex Goran: I Googled you.
Ryan Bingham: You did?
Alex Goran: It's what us modern girls do when we have a crush.
Ryan Bingham: Does it bother you?
Alex Goran: It depends, is the bag empty because you hate people or you hate the baggage they come with?
Ryan Bingham: I don't hate people, I'm not exactly a hermit.
Alex Goran: You don't want to be tied down? Or the whole responsibility thing?
Ryan Bingham: I don't know what originally sparked the back pack, I probably needed to be alone recently. I've been thinking about emptying the back pack or put everything back in it.
Ryan Bingham: [after sleeping together] You're up.
Alex Goran: I have to fly stand by to make a meeting in Cincinnati.
Ryan Bingham: Ok.
Alex Goran: [playfully] I made you feel cheap.
Ryan Bingham: Just leave the money on the dresser.
Alex Goran: I'll text you later so we can swap schedules.
Ryan Bingham: I really like you.
Alex Goran: I like you too.
Ryan Bingham: Good, go catch your flight.
Ryan Bingham: What happened?
Kara Bingham: Jim's got cold feet.
Kara Bingham: Today?
Kara Bingham: Yeah that's how cold feet work.
Ryan Bingham: What do you want me to do?
Kara Bingham: Talk to him.
Ryan Bingham: You want me to talk to him?
Kara Bingham: [speaking in metaphors, referring to getting married] It's either you or me and you know my track record I've already struck out once.
Ryan Bingham: [speaking in metaphors, referring to getting married] I've never been up to bat, I haven't even been in the dug out.
Kara Bingham: Don't you talk for a living? Motivational king of stuff?
Ryan Bingham: I tell people how to avoid commitment.
Kara Bingham: What kind of fucked up message is that?
Ryan Bingham: It's a philosophy.
Kara Bingham: It's stupid.
Ryan Bingham: It could've helped you.
Kara Bingham: You haven't been around much you basically don't exist to us. I know you want to be there for her here it is: this is your chance.
Natalie Keener: [on the docks in Miami] What happened to Alex?
Ryan Bingham: She had to leave town to get to a meeting
Natalie Keener: That's too bad, where'd she live?
Ryan Bingham: Chicago
Natalie Keener: Are you going to go see her?
Ryan Bingham: We don't really have that kind of relationship
Natalie Keener: What kind of relationship do you have?
Ryan Bingham: Casual
Natalie Keener: Sounds pretty special
Natalie Keener: Do you think there's a future there?
Ryan Bingham: We never really thought about it, what's going on here?
Natalie Keener: Really never thought about it?
Ryan Bingham: No
Natalie Keener: How can you not think about that? How does it not cross your mind that you might want a future with someone?
Ryan Bingham: It just doesn't
Natalie Keener: Don't you think it's worth giving her a chance?
Ryan Bingham: A chance at what?
Natalie Keener: A chance at something real
Ryan Bingham: Your definition of "real" is going to evolve as you get older
Natalie Keener: The isolation, the traveling is that supposed to be charming?
Ryan Bingham: No, it's simply a life choice
Natalie Keener: It's a cocoon of self-banishment
Ryan Bingham: Wow big words
Natalie Keener: You have a set a way of life that basically makes it impossible for you to have any kind of human connection and now this woman comes along and somehow runs the gauntlet of your ridiculous life choice comes out on the other end smiling, just so you can call her "casual"? I need to grow up? You're a twelve year old
Terminated Employee: When I wake up in the morning and I look over and see my wife that gives me a sense of purpose
Natalie Keener: I'm sorry what I said about Alex that was out of line.
Ryan Bingham: It's alright, I understand.
Natalie Keener: Who am I giving out relationship advice right?
Ryan Bingham: No kidding.
Natalie Keener: Are you going to be ok?
Ryan Bingham: What do you mean?
Natalie Keener: In Omaha.
Ryan Bingham: I don't know.
Natalie Keener: It's better than you think, where are you going?
Ryan Bingham: [suddenly turns around to the other direction] I'm grabbing another flight, something I've got to take care of I'll see you back at home.
Ryan Bingham: Kara mentioned you had some thoughts about the marriage.
Jim Miller: I don't think I need you to do this.
Ryan Bingham: Why would you say that today?
Jim Miller: Last night I was lying in bed, I couldn't fall asleep, so I started thinking about the wedding and the ceremony. I thought about how we'd buy a house and move in together, I thought about having a kid then having another kid, I thought about Christmases and thanksgivings, spring break vacation, I thought about going to football games then all of a sudden they've graduated, have jobs, getting married and then I'm a grandparent then I'm retired, I'm losing my hair, getting fat and then the next thing I'm dead. I couldn't stop thinking to myself "what's the point?"
Ryan Bingham: The point?
Jim Miller: What am I starting?
Ryan Bingham: It's marriage it's one of the most beautiful things on earth it's what people aspire to do.
Jim Miller: You seem happier like all my unmarried friends.
Ryan Bingham: I'm not going to lie: marriage can be a pain in the ass and your right all this stuff leads to your eventual demise we're all on running clocks that can't be slowed down or paused we're all going to the same place.
Jim Miller: There's no point.
Ryan Bingham: There is no point. That's what I'm saying, I'm not normally the guy you'd talk to about stuff like this.
Ryan Bingham: How do you like Wisconsin in February?
Alex Goran: I'll like it if you're there and I know a killer burger joint in Milwaukee
Ryan Bingham: I mean northern Wisconsin, what are you doing this weekend?
Alex Goran: You want me to be your date?
Ryan Bingham: Yeah
Alex Goran: At your sister's wedding?
Ryan Bingham: Look, I'm not the wedding type but this is the first time I don't want to be the guy alone at the bar, I want a dance partner I want a plus one so if you can "stomach" it I'd like it to be you
Natalie Keener: [showing him the new company set up of firing employees over the internet] Someone sits down at a conference room somewhere and our server routes their session to one of our termination engineers
Ryan Bingham: "Termination engineers"? Really?
Natalie Keener: I prefer "terminators" but it was bumped because it was illegal
Ryan Bingham: I can't imagine why
Natalie Keener: They follow a work flow that takes them through anything from s standard dismissal to a violent aggressor
Ryan Bingham: Are they practicing right now?
Natalie Keener: Beta testing, role playing we go live at the end of the month
Terminated Employee: I don't have a lot of hope and I really don't know when it's going to get better. There's a lot of people unemployed and I really don't know when there's going to be "light at the end of the tunnel"
Alex Goran: [Over the phone] What were you thinking showing up at my door like that?
Ryan Bingham: I wanted to see you. I didn't know you had a family why wouldn't you tell me that?
Alex Goran: I'm sorry I ruined your evening but you could've seriously screwed things up for me. That's my family that's my real life.
Ryan Bingham: [before remaining silent for a few minutes] I thought I was a part of your real life
Alex Goran: What do you want? Tell me what you want, you don't even know what you want. I'm a grown up, so if you'd like to see me again then give me a call
Maynard Finch: [referring to his frequent flier miles] You're the youngest person so far to hit ten million. I don't know where you find the time
Ryan Bingham: [dumbfounded after reaching his goal] I don't know
Maynard Finch: [Hands him the lifetime executive status card] We really appreciate your loyalty.
Ryan Bingham: I've thought about this moment so many times, I even thought about the conversation we'd have
Maynard Finch: What'd you want to say?
Ryan Bingham: Now I don't remember
Maynard Finch: That's alright it happens to all of us, where are you from?
Ryan Bingham: [realizing he has no home] 'm from here
Craig Gregory: You remember Karen Barnes? She was part of a thirty percent reduction in Wichita, Natalie fired her
Ryan Bingham: I've fired dozens of people a day
Craig Gregory: She killed herself, jumped off a bridge
Ryan Bingham: Fuck
Craig Gregory: I need to know if anyone gave you any signals, depression?
Ryan Bingham: Their all depressed when we fire them
Craig Gregory: I need to ask you this stuff
Ryan Bingham: No, I don't remember
Craig Gregory: You don't remember anyone woman that gave you any signals?
Ryan Bingham: No, nothing stands out, is Natalie alright?
Craig Gregory: Natalie quit
Ryan Bingham: She quit?
Craig Gregory: by text message, fucking nice right? Nobody's got any manners anymore
Ryan Bingham: Did she say where she was going?
Craig Gregory: no, I need you back in the air, did you hear what I just said? I thought you'd be thrilled about that
Ryan Bingham: That's fine, what about the video conference?
Craig Gregory: CTC is going have to pause since Natalie walked out, we've got to get our work horses in the air: doing what they do best
Ryan Bingham: How long you sending me out?
Craig Gregory: We're going to let you sail and sail, send us a post card if you ever get there
Natalie Keener: So they don't ever actually do it?
Ryan Bingham: No. No. It's just talk.
Natalie Keener: How do you know? Do you follow up?
Ryan Bingham: I mean, no, nothing good's gonna come of that.
Kara Bingham: [over the phone] You're awfully isolated the way you live.
Ryan Bingham: [while walking through the airport] Isolated? I'm surrounded.
Ryan Bingham: Tell me you're not taking this seriously
Craig Gregory: [in his office] That's why I brought the entire company in from the road because I'm not "taking this seriously"
Ryan Bingham: There's a methodology to what I do there's a reason why it works
Craig Gregory: Coke and IBM have been this for years are you familiar with them? Just like everything else it'll take a few months for the transition then everyone's going to settle in
Ryan Bingham: Who are you taking off the road?
Natalie Keener: How are not getting this? You're grounded everybody's grounded it's done
Ryan Bingham: What we do is brutal and it does leave people devastated there's a dignity to the way I do it
Craig Gregory: Like stabbing them in the chest instead of the back?
Ryan Bingham: Am I the only one that sees by doing this we're making ourselves "irrelevant"?
Craig Gregory: No we're making you "irrelevant",don't blame me blame the high fuel costs, blame insurance premiums, blame technology you better watch yourself you're too young to become a dinosaur
Ryan Bingham: I'm not a dinosaur
Craig Gregory: I want you to show her the ropes
Ryan Bingham: I'm not the only one who knows what's going on here, get someone else to do it you're very confident that this girl doesn't know what she's doing I don't think setting a MySpace page qualifies you to rewire an entire company
Craig Gregory: Great then here's your chance take her out there show her the magic, take her to the paces
Ryan Bingham: I'm not a fucking tour guide
Craig Gregory: We're ringing the bell and rounding everybody up you want to stay out there your welcome to but you will not be alone you let me know