Black Dynamite (2009)
Black Chick #2: Black Dynamite, that was the best loving I ever had.
White Chick #2: Me too.
Asian Chick: That goes triple for me.
Black Dynamite: Shh. Mama, you're gonna wake up the rest of the bitches.
[Two more women are sleeping on the same bed]
Sholanda: My momma said my daddy's name was Black Dynamite.
Brickwilla: So did my momma!
Black Dynamite: Err, uhh, hush up little girls. A lot of cats have that name.
Gloria: [after Dynamite kills a would-be assasin in a donut suit] How did you know?
Black Dynamite: Because donuts don't wear alligator shoes.
Black Dynamite: Ha-ha! I threw that shit before I walked in the room!
Bullhorn: You know he came around here about a week ago, with some cats that I had never seen before. Man, I mean these cats looked mean! Meaner than two fat motherfuckers wrestling over pork chops and greens, can you dig it?
Black Dynamite: Fiendish Doctor Wu, you done fucked up now!
Honey Bee: Black Dynamite, you ain't got to worry about Gloria. She gonna be safe in here. I been keeping the girls up on their kung fu like you told me to. Now, they find her up in here, we will fricassee they honky asses.
Gloria: Dynamite, are you sure about this? Maybe we should call the police.
Black Dynamite: No, Mama. You can bet your sweet ass and half a titty whoever put that hit on you already got the cops in their back pocket. You be cool, Mama. Bee here will keep you tight and out of sight. I'm gonna shake the tree from the roots and rake up the fruits, rip it up out of the ground, find out what's going down. Don't worry about tomorrow, Mama, because tonight...
Euphoria: Dynamite's gonna make everything all right.
Black Dynamite: Euphoria, shut the fuck up! I know that was you! I ain't even gotta look! I should send your ass back to Crenshaw Pete with his hot-ass coat hangers, bitch. Would you like that?
[Euphoria shakes her head in fear and walks away. There is a long silence between Black Dynamite and Gloria]
Gloria: Black Dynamite, I know that we just met, but somehow I feel that I can trust you. I'll be waiting here till you come to get me.
[Kisses Black Dynamite]
Gloria: Thank you for saving my life.
Black Dynamite: You be cool, Little Mama. I'll be back before too long.
Black Dynamite: I'm declaring war on anyone who sells drugs to the community.
Chocolate Giddy-Up: But Black Dynamite! *I* sell drugs to the community!
Black Dynamite: Breathe deeply, baby.
[places stethoscope on Nurse Jenny's chest]
Nurse Jenny: Daddy, you make my heart beat.
Black Dynamite: Yeah, Dr. Dynamite can hear that. But I think you're running a temperature. Let me see if I can find a thermometer for you.
Doctor: What the-? I told you urine sample, Nurse Jenny.
[Nurse Jenny runs away]
Doctor: Black Dynamite, I mean, really?
Black Dynamite: Hey man, you sent her in here with them titties. What did you expect? How's my x-ray.
Doctor: Well, no fragments. In and out. You're lucky, Black Dynamite. Three inches to the left and we wouldn't even be having this conversation.
Black Dynamite: Three inches to the right, and it would've missed my black ass.
Doctor: Well, you need a new line of work. This is the second time this year.
Black Dynamite: I know, I know.
Doctor: Why do I bother? There's no helping you.
Black Dynamite: No, doc, you help me just fine. See you next time.
Black Dynamite: Say, Mama, you're gonna have to work on your delivery if you wanna take on Congressman James. The shame is, half these people don't know what y'all talking about, but at least they can put his to a beat.
Gloria: So what do you do to make a difference? Do you march? Do you vote? Oh, let me guess. You're one of those Tom Slick brothers that think you can get by on good looks, a wink and a smile, huh?
Black Dynamite: I don't know about Tom Slick, but thank you for the compliments.
Gloria: That's not what I meant. Not that I think you have good looks- I mean, you know these guys with their...
Black Dynamite: Winks and smiles?
[Black Dynamite winks at Gloria]
Gloria: What about the smile?
Black Dynamite: I am smiling.
[Gloria walks away]
Black Dynamite: [after having a flashback of being teased as an orphan] No! Not the orphans!
Black Dynamite: Now Aunt Billy, how many times have I told you not to call here and interrupt my Kung Fu!
Black Dynamite: Ain't nothin' in the world get Black Dynamite more mad than some jive ass sucka dealin' smack to the kids!
Black Dynamite: Yeah yeah, mama. Now you could hit the sheets or the streets, it don't make me no never mind. Now that's your bag baby, you can go, or you could come. Can you dig it?
Bullhorn: Oh, you's a corn-fed fool with a lot of muscle mass. But it's time for Bullhorn to get up in that ass!
[Bullhorn proceeds to land a chop on the thug, which is blocked. He then punches the thug in the midsection. He blocks a punch and slaps the thug in the face]
Thug #1: Motherfucker!
[Scene cuts to a retake of the fight scene, only with the thug replaced with a stunt double. Bullhorn punches the thug in the face before landing multiple punches to the chest and a kick to the face]
Bullhorn: Let everybody know and suckers be warned that this is the outcome when you mess with Bullhorn!
Black Dynamite: Your knowledge of scientific biological transmogrification is only outmatched by your zest for kung-fu treachery!
[Black Dynamite parks his car and enters his home. Inside, he stores his handgun on a bear statue wearing a holster before sitting down and reading a newspaper. Meanwhile, O'Leary and his men sneak into Black Dynamite's house from the back entrance towards the living room. They point their guns, only to see the bear statue sitting on the couch, wearing Black Dynamite's bathrobe. Black Dynamite appears on the other side of the room, pointing his gun at the agents]
Black Dynamite: Freeze, turkeys!
O'Leary: I see you haven't lost your tough, B.D.
Black Dynamite: O'Leary?
O'Leary: The old 'pie in the windowsill' trick. I can't believe I fell for that. That was the same trick you used in 'Nam to save my ass. B.D. took our fatigues and put them on two dead gooks. I remember we circled back and turned the tables.
Black Dynamite: I guess you forgot about the time you and Bravo company left my black ass for dead, huh? But I remember. I remember everything. I remember Vietnam like it was yesterday. I remember that village in Tainan that we cut down. It was a massacre. All the dead Chinamen we left in our tracks. I remember the faces, the children. This one child I'll never forget. Poor little bastard was still alive. His little Chinese legs were blown clean off! Still see his little shins & feet hanging from the ceiling fan across the hut. He was charred from his head down to his little Chinese knees. He tried to get up, but he fell over when what was left of his right leg broke off. As he laid there, flat on his face, he looked up at me. His little Chinese eyes burned right into my stomach, deep into my soul. He said something to me in Chinese like, 'Boo coo sow!', sounded like some cartoon shit. But I understood it to be a question that he was asking me. And I don't have to know how to speak Chinese to know what that question was. 'Why, Black Dynamite? Why?'
O'Leary: We're a long way from 'Nam. Look at this place. It must have an eight-track player in every room. What's going on today is a smack problem of epic proportion. Corruption is running rampant and we don't know who to trust. We need you, Black Dynamite, now more than ever.
Black Dynamite: I know I was the best CIA agent that the CIA ever had, but I thought I told you honkies from the CIA that Black Dynamite was out of the game.
O'Leary: You're never out of the game.
Black Dynamite: I've known you for a long time. And there's something you're not telling me.
O'Leary: Okay. We heard about your brother's death. The last thing we need is you running through the streets creating a river of blood.
Black Dynamite: Tell me who did it and I'll just leave a puddle.
O'Leary: We don't know who killed Jimmy. But I do know this. You step out of line, friendship or not, and I'm gonna take you down. Because in case you forgot, when you left the agency, you relinquished your license to kill.
Black Dynamite: Well, you do what you have to. Just don't get in my way.
Black Dynamite: Hey lil' mama, it may be bigger than you, and it may be bigger than me, but it ain't bigger than you AND me, can you dig it?
[Black Dynamite walks into the militant group's hideout]
Black Dynamite: Excuse me, brothers.
Militant #3: [Gets up] The militants turn, startled. This is private. How'd you get in here?
Black Dynamite: I walked in.
Militant 2: So you one of them sneaky brothers, huh? Or maybe you an undercover pig. Or maybe you just a federal hitman.
Black Dynamite: If I was, you cats would already be dead. Now let me speak to the man in charge.
Militant #3: Sarcastically, I'm in charge.
[Exchanges hi-fives with the other militant]
Black Dynamite: If you were in charge, the people might as well surrender to whitey right now, because your survival skills ain't worth a damn.
Saheed: Black Dynamite.
[Walks into the room]
Saheed: It's been a long time, my brother.
Black Dynamite: [Exchanging hi-fives with Saheed] What it is, Saheed?
Militant 2: You know this Uncle Tom?
Black Dynamite: Listen sucka, I'm blacker than the ace of spades and more militant than you and your whole damn army put together. While you out there, chanting at rallies and brow-beating politicians, I'm taking out any money-fronting sucka on a humble that gets in my way. So I tell you what, when your so called revolution starts, you call me, and I'll be right down front showing you how it's done. But until then, you need to SHUT the FUCK UP when grown folks is talking.
Militant 2: I'm sorry.
Saheed: Yeah, we heard about what went down at the Hip Pocket. That was righteous.
Black Dynamite: That was personal, brother.
Saheed: Personal or not, you saved a lot of brothers and sisters. You need our help,
[pounds chest with right fist]
Saheed: we're here.
Black Dynamite: I can dig it.
[Black Dynamite pulls the bullet casing from his pocket]
Black Dynamite: What can you tell me about this?
[Saheed takes the casing, sniffs the inside for gunpowder and licks the outer casing]
Saheed: I ain't seen one of these in a while.
[Black Dynamite and Saheed walk out of the room]
Militant 2: [Whispers] I was gonna fuck him up.
Osirus: Pimpin' been around since the world started turning. And it's gonna keep right on turning right along with it. Until this little planet rotates off its axis as a result of it's core overheating and explodes into cosmic dust! Can you dig it?
Afroditey: Ooh, Black Dynamite, you came to see me!
Black Dynamite: Bitch, nah, I need to rap a piece with my man 'Horn. Tell you what, maybe when I'm done I'll throw you a piece right quick.
Afroditey: Out of sight! I get off in fifteen minutes.
Black Dynamite: You right about that, girl. You right about that.
Black Dynamite: Scram. Scram! I said split! Shake the scene you turkeys! Get out of my house! I'll see you all tomorrow.
Black Dynamite: Tiny. Get Pimpin Jake out of my trunk. Tell him the rest of my money by Wednesday or I'll make him stick himself.
Orphan: You dealin', brotha? I need my smack and I need it now. Put a few of these honeys on the street, and I'll get you your bread brotha.
Cream Corn: You know what don't make no sense is the service round this motherfucka! Bitch do you see us? I'd like two sausage links, two sausage patties, two hot dogs split down the middle twice, okay? Baloney, fry that into a dome, slice it, take a spatula, smush fry it, and one waffle please.
Waitress: I can get you a waffle, but all we got is the chicken from last night. I can bring you some of that if you want some meat.
Cream Corn: Chicken and waffles?
Roscoe: That's it!
[Roscue runs out excitedly]
[Black Dynamite and his gang break into Gunsmoke's apartment and discover him in shock after seeing his penis shrunk]
Black Dynamite: Anaconda Malt Liquor gives you a little dick! Should we kill him?
Bullhorn: [Pulls out his gun and points it at Gunsmoke] Man, do you want to live? I said, do you want to go on?
[Bullhorn shoots Gunsmoke to end his misery]
Bullhorn: Man, this time, these crackers have gone too far!
Mo: So how you do on that little midget girl you sent out?
Chocolate Giddy-Up: She keep coming up short!
[Captain Yancy arrives at a murder scene and discovers that the victim is Black Dynamite's brother Jimmy]
Captain Yancy: My God, men. Do you know what this means? Do you know whose brother... ? This ghetto is gonna be turned upside-down, I tell you, upside-down. The streets are gonna run crimson with the blood of the men responsible for his brother's death. Man I'm speaking of is a veritable one-man army. And if you get on his bad side, brother, you're done for. It's only a matter of time before he finds out. And when he does, no matter where he is, get ready, gentlemen, because hell's a-coming. Coming, coming, coming...
Bullhorn: Man, you guys ain't had no waffles like these. These waffles are so good, they're like they come from down South. These buttery motherfuckers will melt in your mouth. Man you ain't had no waffles...
Black Dynamite: Wait! Bullhorn, what did you just say? You said, 'Melts in your mouth'. Quick...
[erases the restaurant menu blackboard]
Black Dynamite: What else melts in your mouth?
Cream Corn: M&M's!
Black Dynamite: Exactly. And not in your hands. And who makes M&M's?
Militant #3: Mars Candy Company make it. Yeah, yeah.
Black Dynamite: And Mars is also...
Saheed: The Roman God of War.
Black Dynamite: Who is the Greek God of War?
Militant 2: Ares.
Black Dynamite: Now, you take Mars and spell it backwards, drop the S.
Cream Corn: Ram. That's right. And ram is the zodialogical sign for Aries. Oh! Now dig. Ares' half-sister is Athena.
Black Dynamite: Now you're getting it.
Cream Corn: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Athena, Athens.
Saheed: Which is the capital of Greece.
Black Dynamite: And as we all know, zodialogical astronomy was created by the Greeks in...
Militant 2: And 785 is the area code to Topeka. Oh, my God. 785 is the area code to Topeka, Kansas!
Black Dynamite: Now take that, spell it backwards and drop the S.
Militant #3: Snake doc. Snake doctor, yeah!
Black Dynamite: Yes. And brothers, who is the Greek Demigod of Medicine who believed that snakes' tongues had mystical healing powers?
Cream Corn: Aesculapius, of course. He had a staff with snakes intertwining all around that bitch. They called it Aesculapius' staff. It's a symbol the medical field uses to this day.
Black Dynamite: Now, what legend involving snakes is in both Greek and Roman mythology? Now, come on. It involves Aesculapius' own father.
Woman at table: Apollo.
Black Dynamite: Yeah. Thanks, lady.
Saheed: That's right. Apollo slew the serpent at Delphi, which was a big-ass snake.
Black Dynamite: And what, brothers, is the biggest snake in the world?
Woman at table: The South American anaconda.
Black Dynamite: What she said.
Black Dynamite: And what is the slogan for Anaconda Malt Liquor? Anaconda Malt Liquor gives you...
Black Dynamite: Gives you what?
Black Dynamite: And who else is famous for...
Black Dynamite: Who?
Black Dynamite: So, what they're really saying is...
Black Dynamite: What is another word for Richard?
[Black Dynamite crosses out 'Richard' on the blackboard. The gang look down on their pants]
[the gang run out of the diner towards Gunsmoke's apartment]
[Black Dynamite enters the Hip Pocket billiard hall, where Chicago Wind and his gang confront him]
Chicago Wind: So you must be Black Dynamite.
Black Dynamite: [Realizing that Cream Corn had warned Chicago Wind of his arrival] Cream Corn, you jive mother. Chicago Wind, I presume.
Chicago Wind: Your presumption is correct, nigga. If you presumed that I killed your brother Jimmy, then you presume wrong. Not that it means shit to me. Either way, shit. I wish I'd had killed that nigga myself. Somebody else beat me to it.
Black Dynamite: Is that so? Well, Chicago Wind, what do you know about this?
[Black Dynamite pulls the bullet casing from his pocket and throws it to Chicago Wind]
Chicago Wind: Some heavy shit. but dig.
[Chicago Wind throws the bullet casing back to Black Dynamite]
Chicago Wind: Let me explain something to you, supernigga. I don't answer questions. I ask them. Even if I did know who killed that brother of yours, what would make you think I'm gonna tell you? Get your black ass out of my joint before we beat you like a rented mule.
[Black Dynamite shakes his head in disapproval and walks away]
Thug #1: That's right, you jive-ass punk. Don't be coming to the Hip Pocket talking that shit, you dig? That's right, nigga. Don't ever, ever come back...
[Black Dynamite turns the open/closed sign in front of the hall to closed and shuts the metal gates before throwing a couple of thugs out the window and fighting the rest of the gang]
Chocolate Giddy-Up: I'm spendin' more bail money than I'm gettin' tail money.
Black Dynamite: First Lady, I'm sorry I pimp-slapped you into that china cabinet. I used excessive force. Oftentimes, I cross the line, but I try to do so in the name of what's right. Most of the time, the ends justifies the means. But in this case, I feel like I betrayed my own code of ethics. And for that, sugar, I apologize.
Patricia Nixon: But I shot at you. I tried to kill you, Black Dynamite.
Black Dynamite: This is true, but you did not connect. You shot a plate. Had you connected, pimp-slapping you into that china cabinet might have been justified. But I feel I crossed the line. And for that, please accept my apology.
Patricia Nixon: I do. I do, it's just... oh, Black Dynamite, you're so righteous.
Black Dynamite: This is also true. Because whenever there's injustice,
Black Dynamite: wrongs to be...
[Gloria suddenly appears and embraces Black Dynamite]
Gloria: Oh, Black Dynamite!
Patricia Nixon: [Tugging Black Dynamite's pants] Go on, honey.
Black Dynamite: [Pulls out his handgun and points it straight ahead] Because whenever there's injustice, wrongs to be righted,
[as Gloria sits down, holding Black Dynamite's left leg]
Black Dynamite: innocents to be defended, Black Dynamite will be there, delivering ass-whuppings. and I will not hesitate to lay the hammer down on any clown that comes around.
[Pulls out his nunchucks]
Black Dynamite: Because if they wanna fight, they best come see me, because I'm Black Dynamite.
[Pat Nixon proceeds to approach Black Dynamite and hold his right leg]
Bullhorn: Go get Chicago Wind before he disappears. I'll take care of this gorilla eatin' goon here!
Black Dynamite: Now if I catch any of you dealing drugs to the community, I will not consider you a brother or a friend, can you dig it?
Black Hand Jack: Hell no, nigga!
Aunt Billy: Your mother would turn over in her grave if she were here to see this.
Afroditey: I get off in fifteen minutes.
Black Dynamite: You right about that, sugar. You right about that.
Black Dynamite: [after shooting up his business] Sorry Roscoe.
Roscoe: It's cool man. Chili and donuts ain't working out for me no-how. Maybe it's time for a change.
Black Dynamite: [after throwing goon's eyes at Dr. Wu] You told him to keep an eye out for me!
Patricia Nixon: Take your filthy black hands off the presidential dinnerware, you moon-cricket!
Black Dynamite: I should have known it was you all the time. I should have asked myself, 'Who's the man so wicked, so cruel, that he could serve smack to the orphanage, kill my brother Jimmy, and put out a drug to shrink black men's dicks?' Only one man. That's you, Tricky Dick! So I'm here to deliver you one presidential ass-whupping!
Richard Nixon: Black Dynamite, there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for that...
[Nixon pulls his nunchucks out of a drawer and jumps on his desk]
Richard Nixon: Showtime, motherfucker! Fucking think you can fuck with me, Black Dynamite? Who the fuck would stop me, piece of shit?
Black Dynamite: I'd like to take the credit, but dig, mama, there's no "i" in "revolutio...", in "team."
Black Dynamite: Bullhorn, no! At long last, our friendship bonded by the struggle against The Man has been brought to an end by kung-fu treachery!
Rafelli: That black son of a bitch! He killed my best dealer! I want Black Dynamite dead, and I want him dead now!
[Black Dynamite enters the warehouse to confront the mastermind behind the Anaconda Malt Liquor distribution]
Black Dynamite: All right, sucka, you drop it right there!
[Black Dynamite discovers it's O'Leary]
Black Dynamite: O'Leary?
O'Leary: That's right.
[Telling the other workers while pointing his gun at Black Dynamite]
O'Leary: Go ahead, guys, I got this.
Black Dynamite: O'Leary, you son of a bitch. I should've known it was you.
O'Leary: You should have. You were too busy saving your precious ghetto and trying to lay that orphan mama to not see what was in front of your face.
Black Dynamite: You diabolical dick-shrinking motherfuckers! You were the leak all the time. And I bet you were behind Jimmy's death.
O'Leary: Hey, man, I was just following orders. That's what a good soldier does, follow orders, unlike you. Everything's got to be done the Black Dynamite way. I gave the order on Jimmy! I gave it to James, who gave it to the Don. What good's it gonna do you now?
[Black Dynamite fakes a bullet hit to his right shoulder and falls to the ground. O'Leary looks up to see if there is a sniper above. Black Dynamite suddenly shoots him in the stomach]
O'Leary: The old birthday candle trick from 'Nam! Just when you think it's out...
[Slumps down dead]
[after Black Dynamite guns down O'Leary in the warehouse, Fiendish Dr. Wu tries to contact O'Leary on the radio]
Fiendish Dr. Wu: O'Leary... O'Leary, where are you?
[Black Dynamite picks up the radio]
Black Dynamite: Yeah, who's this?
Fiendish Dr. Wu: [Speaking in Chinese] You know who this is. Fuck you, Black Dynamite!
Black Dynamite: [Speaking in Chinese] Dr. Wu! You motherfucker! It all makes sense now!
Fiendish Dr. Wu: [Speaking in Chinese] You can't fight us, Dynamite! The Black Man will never be free!
Black Dynamite: [Speaking in Chinese] I swear on the ghost of Abraham Lincoln, I'm coming to emancipate and proclamate on your ass!
[Black Dynamite slams the radio to the ground and stomps on it]
[after the ghost of Abraham Lincoln knocks the gun off Richard Nixon's hand, Black Dynamite takes the president down with a foot sweep and pummels his face with a barrage of punches]
Black Dynamite: You had enough, Mr. President?
Richard Nixon: You'll never get away with this!
Black Dynamite: Watch me, you little insecure cracker. You think by shrinking our johnsons, it's gonna make your situation any better? That's your problem, Tricky Dick. You are paranoid. Like sending those two-bit crooks to Watergate. For what? For these?
[Black Dynamite throws some photographs of Nixon tied up and engaged in an S&M session]
Black Dynamite: Look at you. You lost it all, turkey.
Richard Nixon: Kill me.
Black Dynamite: Say what?
Richard Nixon: Kill me!
Black Dynamite: No. That's the easy way out for you. Now, unless you want the rest of this freaky shit to hit the news, I suggest you take good care of me and my people. Can you dig it?
Black Dynamite: I said, can you dig it?
Richard Nixon: Yes, I, I can dig it!
Black Dynamite: I thought you could.
[Black Dynamite walks away]
Black Dynamite: All right. What's wrong, Honey Bee? I've known you too long. Now, if something's bothering you, why don't you lay it on me?
Honey Bee: Black Dynamite, I got to go to the hospital. It's my little nephew Bucky. He OD'd.
Black Dynamite: Where is Bucky and what has he had?
Honey Bee: It's that new drug on the street. All the kids are falling prey to it. What we gonna do, Black Dynamite?
Black Dynamite: I know what I'm gonna do.
[slaps his desk and stands up]
Black Dynamite: I'm gonna fight. The only way I know how. Ever since I was a boy, all I knew was how to fight. Fight, fight, fight. And when I got tired, I would fight some more. And now that the Man has got our backs to the wall, I ain't gonna let him hurt the kids. I'm gonna take him down. I'm gonna take them all down.
Fiendish Dr. Wu: You should try the Wu family Red Silk kung fu.
[Fiendish Dr. Wu shows off his moves. Black Dynamite responds by showing off moves of his own]
Black Dynamite: Black Dynamite Panther Fist!
Gloria: I think I should be going.
Black Dynamite: I think you'll be safer if you stay here tonight.
Gloria: Oh, you do, do you? I hope you don't think you're going to get any of this cookie. Cause if I offered you some of this cookie, this cookie might kill you. And don't think that just because we've been frolicking in the park that you've got this deal closed. Cause it takes a lot...
Black Dynamite: See here. Now you can hit the sheets or the streets, it don't make me no nevermind. That's your bag baby. You can go, or you can come. Can you dig it?
[Cut to Black Dynamite's bedroom where he and Gloria have sex]
Black Dynamite: Alright, Snowflake, where's the dope?
Chief: Up yours, coon!
Chief: [Black Dynamite hits him in the head with nunchucks] It's right over there in the body bags. Geez!
Chief: [after being injected with a truth serum] You can't get me to talk..."Operation: Code Kansas"! Can't stop it, too late. "Operation: Code Kansas" is gonna fix all the niggas!
Chief: Yeah, you won't be so big and so bad anymore. "Code Kansas" is gonna fix you!
Chief: Just the niggas! Just the nig...
[Freezes in place]
Saheed: Damn, Smoke, I think you gave him too much of that shit.
Black Dynamite: How long until it wears off?