[Monk needs to enter the chess tournament to confront Kloster]
Julie Teeger: All right, wait here.
[She approaches one of the teenaged contestants and begins talking to him]
Adrian Monk: What's she doing?
Natalie Teeger: She's... flirting.
Adrian Monk: Well, she's good at it...
Natalie Teeger: Shut up.
Adrian Monk: [writes a paycheck for Natalie] "Payable to... Natalie Teeger."
Natalie Teeger: My four favorite words.
[Monk delicately tears the check out of his checkbook. In that time, Natalie easily can go get a cup of coffee and come back without being missed]
Patrick Kloster: This is a funeral home, Mr. Monk. My wife has just passed.
[notices Monk's grin]
Patrick Kloster: I find that grin on your face rather inappropriate.
Adrian Monk: I know how you did it.
Patrick Kloster: You still think I murdered my wife?
Adrian Monk: You set a trap...
Natalie Teeger: ...like the Poison Pawn.
Patrick Kloster: Oh you've been chatting with some chess masters. Good for you.
Natalie Teeger: "Chess Domination, by Patrick Kloster." Well this will be the opposite of fun.
[reads the dedication]
Natalie Teeger: "For my queen, Tatianna."
Adrian Monk: You don't have to read the dedication.
Natalie Teeger: [finds Linda Kloster's check in the book] What's this? Linda Kloster's check. You didn't deposit this?
Adrian Monk: I'll never deposit it.
Natalie Teeger: But Mr. Monk, she wanted you to cash it. Mr. Monk, if you deposit this check, you can pay your staff, and when I say "staff," I mean me.
Adrian Monk: She came to me. I didn't protect her.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, you did everything you could.
Adrian Monk: What about the promise I made to her about him not getting away with it?
Natalie Teeger: You made a promise to me.
Adrian Monk: [through the car mirror, he notices Patrick approaching them] Shhh, there he comes.
Natalie Teeger: [Monk's latest check turns out to be $700 short] You mean unless I'm complaining, you're not going to pay me? Is that the new norm?
Adrian Monk: Even if I wanted to. I've already torn it out of the checkbook.
Natalie Teeger: [trying to direct Monk's hand to void her bad check] Yeah so you just void it out. Write "VOID" right here.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, I can't do it. If it were up to me...
Natalie Teeger: Of course it's up to you!
Adrian Monk: I need you to use your inside voice.
Natalie Teeger: Oh my god!
[yells in frustration at Monk. You can tell that this seems to be the norm every payday]
Adrian Monk: I'm a little short on cash right now. But you know I'm good for it. I'll make up for it.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah I have been keeping track! It's over $1,800, Mr. Monk!
[Linda Kloster enters the room, a finger over her lip]
Linda Kloster: I'm sorry. The door was open. I thought I heard screaming.
Natalie Teeger: Oh that's just me. I scream every payday.
[while Monk and Natalie are on their little stakeout, Patrick Kloster comes by and offers them water and lemonade, respectively]
Natalie Teeger: You have to admit, he's real good.
[takes a sip from her lemonade]
Natalie Teeger: What? He was right. I am thirsty.
Adrian Monk: [looks at her rather suspiciously] How do you feel?
Natalie Teeger: Uhhh, I feel fine.
[Monk is still looking at her oddly]
Natalie Teeger: What?
Adrian Monk: It just occurred to me: if there's poison in the lemonade, we could go to the DA and we'd have all the evidence we need.
[Natalie promptly spits her lemonade out the window on her side of the car and dumps the rest of the cup onto the pavement]
Natalie Teeger: It just occurred to you? And you didn't say anything? My gosh, Mr. Monk, I've never seen you like this!
Adrian Monk: How do you feel right now?
Natalie Teeger: You know I hate to disappoint you but I feel fine.
Adrian Monk: [offering the bottle of Summit Creek water] Try the water.
Natalie Teeger: Okay that's it. We're going home.
[Starts the car and they start to drive away]
Adrian Monk: Wait, wait. Stop the car.
[starts opening his door]
Natalie Teeger: Wait? What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: Just stop the car.
[Natalie finally stops, and Monk starts walking towards the Kloster estate]
Natalie Teeger: Where are you going?
Adrian Monk: His garden.
Natalie Teeger: His garden?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [on Patrick Kloster having finished despite his wife having died] It's funny. I would have been too upset to concentrate.
Patrick Kloster: I was upset, Captain. That's why it took me 44 moves to win.
Adrian Monk: Your wife came to see me this morning, Mr. Kloster.
Patrick Kloster: Did she?
Adrian Monk: She told me that you'd been planning to kill her.
Patrick Kloster: My wife was an unstable woman.
Adrian Monk: She didn't seem unstable.
Patrick Kloster: I'm sure she was.
[turning to Stottlemeyer and Disher]
Patrick Kloster: What did the medical examiner say?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Heart attack.
Natalie Teeger: You know she didn't look sick to me.
Patrick Kloster: And what medical school did you attend, Miss Teeger? My wife suffered from high blood pressure, and for most of her life, she was a heavy smoker and an alcoholic. She was also quite depressed.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What do you know about poison, Mr. Kloster?
Patrick Kloster: Not much. More than you, but not much. Although I am an expert on the Poison Pawn.
1st Elderly Woman: She was our niece.
Adrian Monk: Well I'm a former police officer, and I'm afraid we're going to have to borrow your niece, her remains, for a couple of days.
1st Elderly Woman: Borrow her?
Adrian Monk: Yes we're going to have to do some toxicology tests. Don't worry we do it all the time.
[takes flowers off the top of the coffin]
Adrian Monk: We're going to cut her open, a little bit, and cut out a small piece of her liver, and her stomach, and uh, a tiny, nearly imperceptible bit of fluid from her eyeball. Like on TV. Who likes TV?
1st Elderly Woman: But why?
Adrian Monk: The fact is, we think she might have been poisoned.
1st Elderly Woman: But how did the poison get in the cable car?
Adrian Monk: What cable car?
2nd Elderly Woman: The cable car that hit her. That's how Marjorie was killed!
[Monk starts putting the flowers back on top of the coffin, muttering to himself. A few feet away, Patrick Kloster says]
Patrick Kloster: Mr. Monk, that's not my wife. My wife is right here.
[Shows them a cremation box]
Patrick Kloster: I had her cremated two hours ago. As you can tell, I have anticipated your every move.
Adrian Monk: Cremated?
Patrick Kloster: Yes I don't think your toxicology tests are going to do much good but you are welcome to try.
[Both Monk and Natalie give him a rather disgusted look]
Patrick Kloster: Oh I know that look. I've seen it quite often. It's how my opponents look when they know they've been beaten. Your move, Mr. Monk.
[walks out of the room]
Patrick Kloster: [while waiting for the toxicology report to come back about his first wife] You're making a big mistake.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You made the mistake, Kloster.
Lt. Randall Disher: You should have had your first wife cremated too.
[the medical examiner returns with his report]
Medical Examiner: Sorry for the delay. We know how important this is. There was no poison in the body, we didn't find a thing.
Adrian Monk: Impossible!
Medical Examiner: The woman died of natural causes. We're sure of it.
Patrick Kloster: [getting up to head to the elevator] Thank you, Mr. Monk.
Adrian Monk: For what?
Patrick Kloster: Our little game. But to be honest with you, I'm sorry it's over.
[the elevator doors close]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [on the phone] Kevin, it's a restraining order! You issue 30 of them a day! No he hasn't hit her!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yes, she's still in the house.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Because Adrian Monk told me, that's how I'm sure.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Fine, good. You sleep on it!
[slams the phone down]
Adrian Monk: How did that go?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to a detective in the room] Look, forget about him. Just get a cruiser out there. Park it out front until further notice.
Natalie Teeger: What? You can't arrest him for anything?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well apparently there's no law against giving your wife the willies.
[Disher walks in]
Lt. Randall Disher: Captain, we just got a call. You'd better put down the cup.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Just tell me who called, Randy.
[Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher have arrived at the airport to question Patrick Kloster]
Lt. Randall Disher: Is he here?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Plane just landed. Whaddaya got?
Lt. Randall Disher: You're not gonna like it. The ME says natural causes; severe cardiac arrest.
Adrian Monk: What?
Lt. Randall Disher: He's already released the body.
Adrian Monk: Wh-What about a complete toxicology workup?
Lt. Randall Disher: He won't do it, Monk. Not without probable cause.
Natalie Teeger: But she was 42 years old!
Adrian Monk: What about the water, the tap water in the bathroom?
Lt. Randall Disher: Checked.
Natalie Teeger: Well, how about her lipstick?
Lt. Randall Disher: Checked. I mean, everything in the house, even her eyedrops, it's all clean.
Adrian Monk: He killed her; he poisoned her! But how?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well there he is. You can ask him yourself.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sir, we were wondering if you were to come downtown and give us a statement.
Patrick Kloster: I'm afraid my schedule is rather tight but I did take the opportunity of phoning ahead and reserving a room, here, at the airport security offices. It's nothing extravagent but it's got a table and uh, five chairs.
Natalie Teeger: H-How did you know there would be five of us?
Patrick Kloster: Please, Ms. Teeger, don't insult me.