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Welcome to the Rileys (2010) Poster

Quotes

Mallory: I'm nobody's little girl! It's too late for that shit.

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Mallory: Don't be mad at me. I don't like being told what to do. I can't help it. And I'll lay off the curse words. I will I promise, okay?

[yells]

Mallory: Goddamn it Doug! Please don't be mad at me!

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: I'm not mad at you.

Mallory: You're acting like you're mad at me.

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: No I'm not acting like I'm mad at you. Sit down. Take it easy. Come here.

[pulls Mallory a seat closer]

Mallory: Just don't be mad at me.

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Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Try to stay out of trouble.

Mallory: Yeah. I quit smoking!

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Really? Good for you. Me too!

Mallory: Really? Well, maybe there is some hope for us.

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Maybe so. Maybe so. You never know.

Mallory: You never know.

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Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: You know what? You want to parade around here in your birthday suit? If displaying your vagina's the only way you can feel in control, well you knock yourself out. But I'm tired of your language. Especially the word fuck and all its various permutations. Now I know it's your only adjective, but it makes you sound cheap and immature and uneducated. And that may be the truth, but why advertise it?

[raises voice]

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Now starting today I'm docking you a dollar every time you use that word. So get up, get dressed, get in the shower, brush your teeth. Let's go. Let's go!

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Mallory: You think it's all her fault?

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: What?

Mallory: Your daughter in the car crash.

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: [pauses] She told you about that?

Mallory: Yeah. Is that like a secret or something?

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Give me my lighter back.

Mallory: Because it would really suck shit if you blamed her for that.

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: I don't blame her. What are you talking about?

Mallory: She was being a good mom.

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Who said she wasn't?

Mallory: So you don't think it's all her fault then?

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: No. I don't know, we don't talk about it. Give me my lighter back!

Mallory: [throws lighter] You should talk about it.

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Lois Riley: Allison, I don't think you should do this anymore.

Mallory: Do what?

Lois Riley: You know what I'm talking about.

Mallory: You don't work you don't eat.

Lois Riley: Wait! I can't let you do this.

Mallory: Lois don't.

Lois Riley: What?

Mallory: Don't be stupid.

Lois Riley: I apologize for being so unsophisticated but I cannot let a 16-year old girl prostitute herself!

Mallory: I'm a fucking dancer.

Lois Riley: And a prostitute!

Mallory: [yelling] Well you're not my fucking mom! So get the fuck out of my way!

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Mallory: Hey you know me and Doug, we don't fool around or anything like that. I'm just saying I mean nothing like that.

Lois Riley: I believe you.

Mallory: Because, I mean, he's completely old school. It's crazy.

Lois Riley: I believe you.

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Mallory: You have any kids?

Lois Riley: We had a daughter. She died in a car accident.

Mallory: My mom died in a car accident. I was in the car accident as well.

Lois Riley: How old were you?

Mallory: Four or five. I don't, I don't remember it. Which is good. It would be kind of fucked up to remember that. What was your daughter's name?

Lois Riley: Emily. Emily Eugenia Riley.

Mallory: How old was she?

Lois Riley: [fighting tears] Fifteen.

Mallory: That sucks.

Lois Riley: Yes. It does.

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Lois Riley: Mind picking up my mail and newspaper while Doug is gone?

Harriet: Why can't your neighbor across the street do it?

Lois Riley: She moved.

Harriet: And all your other neighbors?

Lois Riley: Just until Doug gets back.

Harriet: Okay. I have to drive over here all the way from Zionsville every day because my nutcase sister can't walk down her own damn driveway. Lois? Somehow, someway, and someday you're just gonna have to walk out that door.

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Mallory: I really, really like older guys. They get me really wet.

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Sweetheart, just sit still.

[pushes Mallory off him]

Mallory: You don't wanna have any fun?

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: How about we just talk?

Mallory: You want me to talk dirty so you can get yourself off?

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Jesus Christ, no. No, okay?

Mallory: Well, alright. You don't have to get mad at me. It's fine.

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: I'm not mad at you. Just persistent that's all.

Mallory: Just trying to keep the customers happy.

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: I'm happy.

Mallory: You don't look very happy.

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Lois Riley: [on phone] How's New Orleans?

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Listen I think I'm going to stay here for a while. I can't come home right now.

Lois Riley: What are you talking about?

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: I don't know. I just know that I can't come home right now. I know I'm not dead yet. Alright?

Lois Riley: [crying] Doug. I'm not mad about Vivian.

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: What?

Lois Riley: A year or two ago I found a name tag in the pocket of your windbreaker. It's not like I had no idea what was going on. And I know I haven't been.

[pauses]

Lois Riley: Oh Lord.

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: I'm sorry.

[Lois hangs up on Doug]

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Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: [approaches Mallory] Excuse me. I'm not a cop. I'm from Indianapolis, Indiana and I run a wholesale plumbing supply business. I'm here for a convention.

[hands her a business card]

Mallory: Okay, I'm sorry about that. I just got cops on the brain, you know? I can't help it. They've been snooping around the club and they towed my car for unpaid parking tickets.

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Lois Riley: [helping Mallory out of the shower] You have a pair of clean white cotton undies?

Mallory: No.

Lois Riley: Well, you don't need to wear any. We'll just put you in a clean nightgown.

Mallory: [crying] I don't have a nightgown.

Lois Riley: You can borrow one of mine.

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Mallory: [to Lois] Bet you were a good mom.

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Lois Riley: [to Mallory] Your mother must have been very pretty.

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Lois Riley: I went after her. I didn't tell that part about how Emily died.

Mallory: Tell me what?

Lois Riley: I was awake that night. Doug was at his poker game, I always stay up until he gets home. I heard something, went to the window, and saw Emily get into her boyfriend's car. So I put on some clothes and got into my car and went looking for them.

Mallory: Did you find them?

Lois Riley: [nods] Parked in a shopping center not far from our house.

Mallory: I'm sure they were really happy to see you.

Lois Riley: He took off. I tried to catch up but I couldn't. He was driving so fast. Lost them for a little while and then.

Mallory: [interrupts] They crashed the car?

Lois Riley: Ran a stop sign and hit a truck broadside. By the time I got there everything was on fire. Couldn't get to them. Wouldn't have happened if I hadn't gone after her.

Mallory: Hey, it's not your fault. That's not your fault. Just like my mom getting in a car accident is not my fault.

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Mallory: What's your problem?

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: I guess I'm just not used to being around young women who talk about their private parts.

Mallory: [laughs] Like hello! Like I have private parts.

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Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: [answers phone] Hello?

Mallory: Hey.

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Where are you?

Mallory: Uh, Houston. But I'm cutting out and heading to Vegas.

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Are you okay?

Mallory: Yeah, I'm fine. Don't sweat it.

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Well I do sweat it. I can't help it. It's been two weeks.

Mallory: Yeah I know. I was gonna call, I just.

[pauses]

Mallory: Thanks for the cash that you left me. And the bag too. It's really getting a lot of use.

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: You're welcome. We're here, you know, anytime.

Mallory: Will you tell Lois I'm sorry?

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: For what?

Mallory: Well, you know. Just about getting all up in her face like that.

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Alright, I will.

Mallory: And don't be mad at me?

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: I'm not mad at you. Not at all. I miss you. If that means anything to you.

Mallory: I miss you too. So Lois isn't gonna mind if I call you every once in a while, right?

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: No, no absolutely not. And Lois wouldn't mind hearing from you either, you know, if you ever need female advice or whatever. She thinks you're smart. Too smart to be doing what you're doing.

Mallory: Okay.

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Lois Riley: She's not Emily.

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: I know that.

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Mallory: How you doin' tonight?

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: I'm okay. How about you?

Mallory: Oh I'm real good. You want a private lap dance in the VIP room?

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Oh no, not right now. Thank you.

Mallory: Not right now? I'm gonna be off work soon. Come on it's right upstairs. It's only $250. You get a bottle of champagne and me for an hour.

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: I don't drink champagne.

Mallory: I do.

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Thank you, but.

Mallory: [interrupts] Come on. An hour. Just you and me.

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: [sees co-workers] Shit!

Mallory: You know those guys? You want the room?

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Alright.

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Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: [chasing Lois] Lois, hold up.

Lois Riley: No!

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Hold up, Lois!

Lois Riley: No! You're crazy!

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Alright, calm down.

Lois Riley: This is insane. She's just a child!

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: She is a 16-year old runaway from Florida, okay?

Lois Riley: What do you think you are doing?

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: I don't know. That's what I'm trying to tell you, okay?

Lois Riley: No, no, no, this is a nightmare.

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Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: [to Lois] Come on inside.

Lois Riley: The person you want me to meet lives in here?

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Her name is Mallory. Now, her real name is Allison. She's got a lot of names because she works in a strip club.

Lois Riley: She's a stripper?

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: You'll understand once you meet her.

Lois Riley: Understand what? That you've lost your mind? Jesus, Doug.

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Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: I'm not here for the fun part.

Mallory: Oh. Well, hand jobs are $50 and I can do oral but it's $100 and you'd need a rubber.

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: No, thank you.

Mallory: I get $60 out of the $250 you gave the guy at the bar. You're not gonna tip me nothing?

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Here, this make it worth your while?

[hands her $100]

Mallory: Wow! Thanks, Doug.

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Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: How come you haven't paid your electric bill?

Mallory: I have. My landlord keeps locking the fuse box. It's supposed to be included in the rent, but he's like this freak who wants me to suck him off while he videotapes it. He's a regular at the club. It's this whole scam he's got going. He only rents the place to strippers. But I told him, like, "I'm not gonna do your blow job videos and I'm not leaving because I got my rights." And he tries to scare me with the for sale sign shit. Like people are dying to buy this shithole.

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Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: How old are you?

Mallory: How old do I look?

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Fifteen.

Mallory: You can't be fifteen and work in any strip club I've heard of.

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: How old are you?

Mallory: Twenty-two.

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: You don't look twenty-two.

Mallory: That's what it says on my ID.

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Well, I could buy a drivers license that says I'm twenty-two. That doesn't make me twenty-two. So, is Mallory your real name?

Mallory: [panicking] Fuck me, you're a fucking cop?

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: No.

Mallory: Oh, you're not a cop? Then come here and show me your cock!

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Stop it! Stop that!

Mallory: Prove you're not a cop!

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: I'm not a cop!

Mallory: Take this back.

[throws money at Doug]

Mallory: That's about as close to my pussy as you're gonna get. Fuck nuts!

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Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Where are you from?

Mallory: Why?

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Just making conversation.

Mallory: I'm from Florida.

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Where in Florida?

Mallory: Panhandle.

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: And you work in a strip club?

Mallory: Better than working peep shows in Atlanta. Guys jerking off staring at your cooter like it was singing the Star Spangled fucking Banner.

[pauses]

Mallory: Hey, you think. I mean now that I know you're not a cop. You think I could have that $100 back? You said you just wanted to talk, right? And we've been talking. And I could do something else for the money too, if you want.

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: You can have your money back. Put it away.

Mallory: Thanks, thank you.

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Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: First of all, put your money in the right order. Twenties, tens, fives, ones.

Mallory: Okay, chill out.

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Show your money some respect.

Mallory: Oh, I respect money. Oh fuck, God someone open a can of tuna fish?

[laughs]

Mallory: And I bet your balls smell just like apple fritters, right?

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Wouldn't know. I don't keep my money in my underpants.

Mallory: Well, you would if you did what I do. I know girls that keep their money inside their cooters. I guess it's just safekeeping.

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Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: [answers phone] Hello?

Mallory: Doug, I just got ripped off.

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: What?

Mallory: All my fucking money is gone and I'm gonna fucking kill this guy!

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Alright, calm down. Where are you?

Mallory: I'm at the Aloha Motel. You don't know where it is.

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Mallory: It's just a ways down this street.

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: [shocked] This is your neighborhood?

Mallory: Yep. It's this whitish one right here.

[pauses]

Mallory: Hey, do you mind coming in with me for a second? Just to make sure it's chill? My electricity's off.

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Alright.

Mallory: [pulls "for sale" sign off porch] Mother fuck!

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Shouldn't keep your key in your mailbox.

Mallory: I'd just lose it if I didn't.

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: [enters dark house] Jesus, you weren't kidding.

Mallory: I know. Place gets really fucking creepy.

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Lois Riley: [waking Doug up] Doug, honey? Wake up! Doug, I need you to go to the drug store.

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: You alright?

Lois Riley: I'm fine. It's Allison.

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: What's wrong with her?

Lois Riley: Just female trouble. Come on, get up.

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Lois Riley: Your mother must have been very pretty.

Mallory: Yeah. She had bigger tits than me. I got my dad's tits. I don't know what happened.

Lois Riley: [laughing] I got my dad's too!

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Lois Riley: [to Doug] You can leave me if you have to, but I will never leave you.

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Mallory: Hey, sorry. I didn't mean to wake you up.

Lois Riley: That's alright. It's been a long day.

Mallory: Where's Doug?

Lois Riley: He'll be back in a little while.

Mallory: Okay.

Lois Riley: Are you hungry?

Mallory: Yeah. I got off early tonight. Business sucks.

[hesitant]

Mallory: You wanna go around the corner and get a po'boy?

Lois Riley: What's a po'boy?

Mallory: It's like a sandwich.

Lois Riley: Oh. Alright.

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Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: You alright?

Mallory: Yeah I just can't stand on the street without the cops coming by me like I'm a fucking crack whore.

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: What happened?

Mallory: I came here with this guy and he kept trying to stick it in my fucking ass and I was like yo, pencil dick back the fuck up and he wouldn't! I went to piss and I came back out and my wallet's sitting on the bed and all my shit is everywhere and his car's gone and all I've got is fucking shoes and like, I'm out 900 bucks!

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: 900 dollars? Why in the hell would you carry that much money around with you?

Mallory: Where else am I gonna keep it?

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: I don't know, in the bank?

Mallory: What? I don't have a fucking bank account!

[looks at a guy in the hotel]

Mallory: And this fucking asshole won't give me the guy's address because he's friends with him! I'm gonna fucking kill him!

[throws shoes]

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: [holding Mallory back] Hey! What are you gonna do with his address?

Mallory: I'm gonna go get my money back!

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: No you're not. You're either going to call the police or you're going to drop it.

Mallory: [yelling] I can't call the police, Doug! Don't be so fucking stupid just help me!

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Oh I'm stupid? You bring 900 dollars to a place like this and I'm stupid? You come here with assholes from that club. That's stupid!

Mallory: [running away] Okay I'm really fucking stupid!

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Where are you going?

Mallory: I'm gonna go turn some tricks and make my money back!

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: No, no you're not. Come on we're going home!

[yells]

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Then go ahead! Go ahead then, Goddamn it!

Mallory: [stops and starts crying] Okay. I mean, fucking, everything. Always I'm like, my whole life.

[cries harder]

Mallory: Forever. I mean forever.

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: I know.

[comforting her]

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: I know. You're gonna be okay.

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Mallory: I'm really not some kind of fucking idiot who, like, doesn't know how to make a bed.

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: I didn't mean to imply that.

Mallory: Well then maybe you shouldn't say shit like that and think that I should know shit that I haven't figured out yet.

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Okay. Okay, I'm sorry. Alright?

Mallory: [nods] Yeah, okay.

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Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: I got a business proposition for you.

Mallory: Oh? Well, I told you that I don't do porn tapes. And I'm not gonna fuck your German Shepherd. I'm not going to Tokyo to turn tricks.

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Can I just talk for a minute?

Mallory: Yes, but the answer's no.

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: I'll give you $100 a day to stay at your place.

Mallory: [shocked] What?

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: $100 a day if I can stay at your place. I don't like hotels.

Mallory: No pussy?

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: No.

Mallory: And I don't do anal either. Just so you know.

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: [laughing] Thank God there's something you don't do.

Mallory: Um, so $100 a day and you just live at my house?

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Yep.

Mallory: So you'll be my sugar daddy?

[Doug shrugs]

Mallory: You know what that is?

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Kind of.

Mallory: [laughs] You'll buy me cool things?

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: I'll buy you a broom and a dustpan.

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Mallory: Don't fucking touch me!

Lois Riley: Alright, listen to me. Please listen.

Mallory: [yelling] I don't have to listen to you! You're not my fucking mom!

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: [enters the room] Hey.

Lois Riley: Doug, nevermind.

Mallory: I don't listen to people. This is my fucking house! Just get the fuck out!

Lois Riley: [stops Mallory] No. You don't know what you're doing to yourself, sweetheart!

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Lois, don't.

Mallory: Oh yeah, I don't know what I'm talking about? And I know more about what I do than you will ever know. How many cocks you swallowed?

[is slapped by Lois]

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Hey! No! Alright!

[holds Mallory back]

Mallory: Fuck!

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: She didn't mean it.

Mallory: Fuck you! Okay, just stop touching me.

[yells]

Mallory: Just stop fucking touching me!

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: She didn't mean it!

[lets Mallory go]

Mallory: Get the fuck off me!

Lois Riley: Please, I'm sorry! Allison.

[Doug chases after Mallory]

Lois Riley: Let her go, Doug!

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: I just want to talk to her. Mallory!

Lois Riley: Doug, let her go.

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Bondsman: You wanna know what she did?

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Yeah.

Bondsman: She had an altercation with an unsatisfied customer. He's dropped the charges and they've shaved down the resisting arrest to disorderly conduct so everyone gets off cheap.

[Doug pays Mallory's bail]

Bondsman: Here's your receipt and my card. You're free to go.

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Thank you.

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Mallory: How come you don't wanna fuck me?

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: I prefer women my own age.

Mallory: Why?

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: They know what they're doing.

Mallory: I'm pretty good.

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Sure you are.

Mallory: I think I give some pretty good head.

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: I'm sure you do.

Mallory: Let me show you.

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: No, no. Lie down.

Mallory: It is so weird. Being with a guy who don't wanna get it on.

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Yeah, well, it's pretty weird being with you too.

Mallory: You don't like me?

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: I do. I like you a lot.

[rubs his fingers through Mallory's hair]

Mallory: I like you too.

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Lois Riley: You're gonna sit out here all night?

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Just smoking a cigarette.

Lois Riley: I wish you wouldn't smoke in the house.

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Well I'm not in the house. I'm in the garage.

Lois Riley: When you open the door all the smoke comes inside.

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Then close the door, Lois.

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Lois Riley: What are you doing home so early?

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: That headstone. You got us at Gold Hill? That's a unique experience. Seeing your name carved on a piece of granite.

Lois Riley: How do you mean?

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: What I mean? I'm not dead. And you're not dead. There's enough people out there that are dead. They need headstones. We don't cause we're not dead.

Lois Riley: A lot of people do this, Doug. It's called pre-planning.

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Well I don't like having my name carved on a tombstone while I'm still alive. I can't believe you did that, Lois.

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Tara: You leaving?

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Yeah. You, uh, you seen Mallory?

Tara: No, I ain't seen her.

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: She got arrested last night.

Tara: Yeah, I know. I was there. We got raided. They shut us down.

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: I bailed her out, but she ran off.

Tara: I haven't seen her. I don't know where she went.

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Give this to her for me?

[hands Tara money]

Tara: Alright.

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Tell her, uh.

[pauses]

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: She's got my number.

Tara: Okay. You take care.

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Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: I got this convention to go to in New Orleans at the end of the month. Why don't you come along?

Vivian: Don't do that.

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: What?

Vivian: Be unpredictable.

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Come on, we'll have fun. Just the two of us. Why not? I mean it.

Vivian: I don't even have a suitcase.

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: I'll buy you a suitcase.

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Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: [written inside birthday card] To Viv, from the "waffle man." Happy birthday, xo.

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Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: How much do you owe?

Mallory: Um, eleven hundred for the tickets and I guess whatever thirty-five times seven is.

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Two hundred and forty-five dollars.

Mallory: What is that altogether?

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: Well, eleven hundred dollars plus two hundred and forty-five dollars is thirteen hundred and forty-five dollars.

Mallory: [surprised] Fuck me.

Douglas Lloyd 'Doug' Riley: You have a terrible vocabulary.

Mallory: Fuck you.

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Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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