GERTY: I hope life on Earth is everything you remember it to be.
Sam Bell: You'd be okay?
GERTY: Of course. The new Sam and I will be back to our programming as soon as I finished rebooting.
Sam Bell: Gerty, we're not programmed. We're people, do you understand?
Sam Bell: You've been up here too long man. You've lost your marbles.
[Sam is making a video phone call from the Moon to his home on Earth, while covering the camera with his hand]
Sam Bell: Is this the Bell residence?
Eve: This is the Bell residence. Could you call back? There's something wrong with the picture.
Sam Bell: I'm trying to reach Tess Bell.
Eve: I'm sorry, she passed away some years ago.
Sam Bell: Are you sure?
Eve: Yeah, I think so. I'm her daughter. Can I help you?
Sam Bell: ...Eve?
Sam Bell: Hi! Hi, Eve. How old... How old are you now?
Eve: I'm 15. Do I know you?
Sam Bell: Sweetheart... How did mommy die, sweetheart? How did mommy die?
Eve: [turns around and calls to someone off-screen] Dad!
Eve: There's someone asking about mom.
Dad: Who's asking about mom?
[Sam immediately breaks off the call]
Sam Bell: You look like a radioactive tampon... like a banana with a yeast infection.
Sam Bell: Well then I'm goin back, that's it for me.
Clone #2: Pfft!
Sam Bell: What?
Clone #2: Is that what you really think?
Sam Bell: Yea, I've got a contract... I'm, I'm goin home.
Clone #2: You're a fuckin' clone, you don't have shit!
Sam Bell: Hey, I'm goin home!
Clone #2: You're not going anywhere! You know you've been up here too long man, you've lost your marbles. Whuddya think, that Tess is back home waiting for you on the sofa in lingerie? What about the original Sam, Uh?
Sam Bell: I'M THE ORIGINAL SAM... I'M SAM FUCKIN' BELL, ME! ME!
Clone #2: Hey, whoa!
Sam Bell: Gerty, am I clone?
GERTY: Are you hungry?
Clone #2: Hey, hey... don't get your fuckin' panties in a twist. I'm in the same boat, asshole!
GERTY: Sam, I can only account for what occurs on this base.
Sam Bell: Listen, why don't you relax. Why don't you take a pill, bake a cake, go read the encyclopedia.
Talk Show Host: You know what, he's one of two things. He's a whacko or an illegal immigrant. Either way, they need to lock him up. Line two!
GERTY: Would you like some hot sauce on your beans?
Sam Bell: No, my tummy's a little tender, actually. But, thank you. Thank you, Gerty.
Computer: Searching for long-range comms.