Dr. Gregory House: Gifts allow us to demonstrate exactly how little we know about a person. And nothing pisses a person off more than being shoved into the wrong pigeonhole.
Dr. Lawrence Kutner: [referring to a wrapped box on House's desk] Who's that from?
Dr. Gregory House: Santa evidently. I worship him you know. Or is that Satan. I get them confused.
Dr. Gregory House: Lies are like children: they're hard work, but it's worth it because the future depends on them.
Dr. Gregory House: The notion of picking one time of year to be decent to other people is obscene because it's actually validating the notion of being miserable wretches the rest of the year.
Dr. Gregory House: Who told you it'd be a good idea to put up superficial representations of a hypocritical season celebrating a mythical figure?
[Melanie is a prostitute]
Melanie: No rash on my labia. Do you need to take a look?
Dr. Gregory House: I'm saving my money for a Red Ryder BB gun.
Dr. Gregory House: The problem with sleeping with strangers is they're strange.
Dr. Gregory House: [in reference to reindeer antlers on Wilson's head] Would you take those off?
Dr. James Wilson: No. It's Christmas.
Dr. Gregory House: It's a moose on a Jew.
Dr. Gregory House: I remembered I'm not a Satanist. I'm a druid.
Dr. Gregory House: You wanna know every place your mom's thumb has been?
[House hands Wilson back his iPhone]
Dr. James Wilson: I've been looking for that all day.
Dr. Gregory House: Did you look in the box on my desk?
Dr. James Wilson: Have you ever consider channeling your powers to, I don't know, bring peace to the Mid-East?
Dr. Gregory House: I couldn't do that.
Dr. James Wilson: But if they ever got it, you could screw it up.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah, that's more where my powers lie.
Dr. Gregory House: [when told that his patient doesn't lie] This is going to be difficult. I know almost nothing about alien phsiology.
Dr. Gregory House: I figured I could sow dissension and get a few ties and sweaters.
Dr. Gregory House: You talk to your kid about sex so she'll think you're open about everything. Keeps her from asking questions about the things you don't wanna talk about.
Dr. Gregory House: [House is returning Wilson's iPhone] Oh by the way, your mom called. Your dad's dead.
[House is dismissing Wilson's attribution that a Christmas miracle has occurred]
Dr. Gregory House: Oh, don't ruin it. Don't pin this on Christ. He's got enough nails in him.