- Burton 'Gus' Guster: [mocking Shawn after his phone is muted] Look at me, look at me, I love my hair! I can make obscure '80s references that nobody understands. Laugh at me, ha ha ha! Hey, know something about me? I have a motorcycle, but I never seem to be riding it!
- Shawn Spencer: [reading a plaque] Queen... Nerfertitty?
- Juliet O'Hara: Nefertiti.
- Shawn Spencer: I've heard it both ways.
- Shawn Spencer: [points to a Confederate Flag] What is wrong with this flag?
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Everything.
- Shawn Spencer: Besides that.
- Carlton Lassiter: The mummy walked out? Come on, you're just trying to impress that pretty little assistant curator.
- Shawn Spencer: Was she pretty? I hadn't noticed.
- Carlton Lassiter: Really? Brown eyes, languid smile, long slender neck of a Balanchine dancer...
- Juliet O'Hara: [indignant] I had three different hairstyles last week and you didn't comment on one!
- Shawn Spencer: Come on, dude! I honestly had no idea he was going to be pulling a corpse from the ground.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Don't worry about it, Shawn. I honestly didn't know I was going to be putting my foot in your ass. Life's full of surprises.
- Shawn Spencer: The name of your film is "Night Cycle"?
- Hannah: What's wrong with that?
- Shawn Spencer: Well, it's kind of boring... unless it's about a motorcycle that comes to life at night and solves crime and does sweet wheelies.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Great. Now we got a mummy on the loose, and the son of a bitch knows how to drive a stick?
- Shawn Spencer: Dad, I don't know if you just read "The Secret" or watched an emotional "Oprah" or what, but I don't think we're ready to open our souls to each other.
- Shawn Spencer: I'm going to have to concur with Detective Carlito Lassiteros on this one. That mummy was not stolen, Ms Bridgewell.
- Shawn Spencer: Then meet us at the museum.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: [groans] Why can't they just meet us at a well-lit Starbucks?
- Shawn Spencer: One more time, buddy. For justice.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: The Lexin glass case that houses it is worth more.
- Shawn Spencer: Lexin glass?
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Yeah. It's bulletproof.
- Shawn Spencer: Well, it would have to be in case the guns decide to fire themselves.
- [scoffs]
- Shawn Spencer: Lexin glass!
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: What? That's common knowledge, Shawn. People know that.
- Shawn Spencer: Who? People in Charlton Heston's house?
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Yeah... and your mama.
- Sophie: Everyone certainly loves you down here.
- Shawn Spencer: And I love you... metaphorically.
- [turns to Juliet]
- Shawn Spencer: What? You had your shot.
- Shawn Spencer: [looking at the dinosaur plaque] They only put one name on there.
- Juliet O'Hara: So?
- Shawn Spencer: So Gus is going to have an aneurysm. And not the good kind!
- Shawn Spencer: Come on, man. This is gonna be good for you. Walk to me. Face your fears.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: You can talk all you want, but facts and logic will win out this time.
- Shawn Spencer: Facts and logic are in the corner of the guy who thinks he's gonna get his face melted off?
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: I'm not hearing it, Shawn.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: That says "photo by Bruton Gaster".
- Shawn Spencer: Well, I gave them the info when I was driving through a tunnel so that probably played a role.
- Shawn Spencer: [to Gus] I need you! I need the sweet blue shirt, I need the pants, I need the winsome smile that hides the sad Jamaican clown inside.
- Carlton Lassiter: Wait. You're the curator?
- Sophie: Assistant Curator.
- Carlton Lassiter: I'd like to speak to someone in charge.
- Sophie: I am in charge.
- Juliet O'Hara: She sounds in charge.
- Karen Vick: What I have to say is very... difficult.
- Shawn Spencer: If this in any way pertains to Lassiter's third testicle, I'm afraid we already know.
- Shawn Spencer: I told you to charge that phone.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: You did not.
- Shawn Spencer: I didn't? Does thinking it count?
- [a van Shawn and Gus have been chasing crashes]
- Shawn Spencer: Whoever they are, they're - they're not moving. They're incapacitated. They could be hurt, maybe even dead.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Maybe undead.
- Shawn Spencer: They might need our help.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Or our internal organs.
- Shawn Spencer: Come on, man! Haven't you ever wanted to spend the night in a museum? You know, do it up with all the stuffed creatures and the bones?
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: No, Shawn, I haven't. I can't spend the night in the museum. I don't have my toothbrush. I don't have any of my multivitamins. And oh, yeah, I don't want my soul suffering eternal damnation for disrupting the sleep of an Egyptian canal digger!