[young Shawn and Gus are starting a club]
Henry Spencer: You know, a club needs regulations, bylaws. You guys got any rules?
Young Gus: Yes. No girls!
Young Shawn: And everybody has to be under twelve. No old guys.
Young Gus: And they have to have a love of correct grammar.
Young Shawn: That's not a rule!
Young Gus: You said we could have one special rule. That's mine.
Young Shawn: And that's the best rule you could think of?
Young Gus: I think you mean, that's the best rule *of which* you could think.
Young Shawn: [gets up] I'm not being in a club with this!
Young Gus: Fine! I don't need you and your misplaced prepositions!
Carlton Lassiter: Uh, I was just driving by the office and saw the lights on...
Shawn Spencer: You want to hire us.
Shawn Spencer: Oh, come on, Lassie, it's not that tough. Let it go.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Yes, come on.
Shawn Spencer: Look around! You're in a safe place, surrounded by men... who love you. Gus?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Lassiter, I love you.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Brazilian airport codes. How do you know that?
Shawn Spencer: I lived in an airport for a month, Gus.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: That was Tom Hanks in "The Terminal"!
Shawn Spencer: Same difference.
Shawn Spencer: I want the truth. What really happened to my cat Chairman Meow?
Henry Spencer: You want answers?
Shawn Spencer: I want the truth!
Henry Spencer: You can't handle the truth!
Shawn Spencer: I'd like to show you something.
[hold his left hand at eye level]
Shawn Spencer: See that? It's the lodge radar. And look at this.
[flaps his right hand underneath his left]
Shawn Spencer: It's me, flying underneath it. CAW CAW!
[walks his fingers across the table]
Shawn Spencer: Now look down here. It's Gus. He can't fly.
Henry Spencer: This is not the time for your shenanigans.
Shawn Spencer: It was a single shenanigan. Technically more of a hijink.
Carlton Lassiter: Spencer, I want you to listen to me, and listen closely. I know Irving Parker very well, and he wouldn't kill anyone. Sure, he might hobble their spirit and crush their soul and dance on the flaming ashes of their broken marriage, which he had a part in ending... but he wouldn't kill anyone.
Shawn Spencer: My God! Did you see who that was?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: It's hard to see anything with someone's knee in your eye!
Shawn Spencer: It's your own knee!
Shawn Spencer: How sure are you?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Eighty-five, eighty-six percent.
Shawn Spencer: We've gone on much less.
Irving Parker: Are we done?
Carlton Lassiter: We're done when I say we're done!
Carlton Lassiter: We're done. You can go.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: [introducing Shawn] This is my associate, William Zane.
Shawn Spencer: [concluding his summation] Who knew... that in small doses, it acts as a vaccine, while larger doses are absolutely lethal?
[every doctor in the club says "I did"]
Shawn Spencer: [right after breaking into a house] Say what you will about credit cards and paper clips, sometimes a door just needs to be *owned*.
Shawn Spencer: [about Parker] Look, he's the only suspect we have. He tried to hate *me* to death. I know it's circumstantial, but in a pretty bad way...
Shawn Spencer: [doing the Monarch Lodge's secret handshake with the security guard] Hold it, fold it, skim it, crouching tiger, zookeeper's boy, hairdresser on fire, girlfriend in a coma, slap it on a biscuit.
Carlton Lassiter: [to his intimidating, ex-father-in-law, who is a murder suspect] Alright, Irving, that's enough! Now I loved Victoria, and because she loved you, I let it slide that you're a pain in the ass! But you're at *my* table now, and around here, we call someone like you, a hostile witness, it's a good way to get yourself locked up. I can make your life a living hell, so you'd better give me the respect I deserve, and I suggest you cut the crap! Clear?
Shawn Spencer: [to Lassiter] Now that I've joined the lodge, that makes your father-in-law my brother. Which makes me your uncle... in-law. It's going to get especially awkward around the holidays.
Shawn Spencer: You're in good hands with Gus. Nimble, agile hands. Surgeon's hands, really. He once removed a boil from his own thigh using a paper clip and a warm can of Sprite.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: [trying to open a safe] It's not happening, Shawn.
[Shawn scans the room, then sees a picture of a beautiful woman close to the safe]
Shawn Spencer: Try 36-24-36.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Are you serious?
Shawn Spencer: Just... click it in gentle.
[Gus tries the combination, but the safe stays closed]
Burton 'Gus' Guster: That was a good idea. Now what?
Shawn Spencer: Huh... I really thought I nailed that.
[Gus notices the picture, then smirks and giggles]
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Shawn, you've really got to work on your estimating skills. 36-24... 38.
Shawn Spencer: Dude! You're a safe cracking machine!
Burton 'Gus' Guster: I know.