I Love You, Man (2009)
Sydney Fife: You get home safe, Pistol.
Peter Klaven: You got it, Joben.
Sydney Fife: I'm sorry, what?
Peter Klaven: Er... nothing.
Sydney Fife: No, what did you say?
Peter Klaven: Nah, I don't know... You nicknamed me Pistol, and I just called you... "Joben"... It means nothing... I don't... I'm drunk... I'm gonna call a cab.
Doug: I just wish I could take back that kiss...
Sydney Fife: Woah!
[Looks at Peter]
Doug: ...because now I know it was the taste of betrayal.
Peter Klaven: It wasn't the taste of betrayal!
Doug: It was the taste of betrayal.
Peter Klaven: It wasn't the ta...
Doug: It was the taste of betrayal... you fucking whore!
Peter Klaven: [to Sydney] I can actually explain that.
Sydney Fife: I would looove to hear that!
Sydney Fife: Society tells us we're civilized but the truth is we are animals. Sometimes we just have to let it out. Try it.
Peter Klaven: Blaaah!
Sydney Fife: Good. Now gently remove your tampon and try again.
Peter Klaven: I love you, man.
Sydney Fife: I love you, too, bud.
Peter Klaven: I love you, dude.
Sydney Fife: I love you, Bro Montana.
Peter Klaven: I love you, holmes.
Sydney Fife: I love you, Broseph Goebbels.
Peter Klaven: I love you, muchacha.
Sydney Fife: I love you, Tycho Brohe.
Peter Klaven: Slapping the bass! Slappa da bass! Slappa da bass mon! Slappa de bass mon!
Peter Klaven: Are you telling me that Robbie is your best friend?
Oswald Klaven: Yes, and Hank Marducas.
Sydney Fife: [on phone] Just meet me at Muscle Beach in like... I don't know... half an hour?
Peter Klaven: Muscle Beach. Half an hour. I will see you there or I will see you on another time.
Sydney Fife: That was very confusing. I don't know if you're gonna come or not?
Peter Klaven: No, I'll be there. I'll be there.
Sydney Fife: [laughing] Alright I'll see you then, buddy.
Peter Klaven: Alright. Laters on the menjay.
Peter Klaven: What did I just say?
Peter Klaven: Hey Mel? Do you have any plans on June 30th?
Mel Stein: ...I'm 89 years old what the fuck kind of plans would I have?
Peter Klaven: So what do i do? How do i make friends?
Robbie Klaven: If you see a cool looking guy, strike up a conversation and ask him on a man date.
Peter Klaven: Ok.
Robbie Klaven: You know what i mean?
Peter Klaven: No.
Robbie Klaven: Casual lunch or after work drinks. You're not taking these boys to see The Devil Wears Prada.
Peter Klaven: Ohhhh god i love that movie. No I wont.
Doug: Hi Peter, I saw your billboards, they're spectacular. I'm sorry for calling you a whore. Best of luck with Sydney, if you're not still together... you can Facebook me.
Peter Klaven: Why is it weird that I have girl friends?
Open House Couple: [after trying to discreetly fart at an open house] I like it, but I'm not sure about the space... I'm thinking it might be a little bit small.
Sydney Fife: [Knowing he farted] Totally, and it smells like fart.
Doug: [walking by Peter & Sydney hugging] You're a whore Peter!
Peter Klaven: I'm Peter Klaven, I'm the Realtor.
Sydney Fife: Hey check out these two. That guy needs to fart.
Peter Klaven: He does seem to be clenching.
Sydney Fife: Watch the leg... Boom!
Peter Klaven: He farted in my open house.
Sydney Fife: He sure did.
Sydney Fife: This is the man cave, there's no women allowed in here. I got a jerk-off station for God's sake.
Sydney Fife: Zooey, you are about to marry one of the most honest, kind and fun-loving people I've ever had the honor of knowing. The Pistol is a pleasure giver that's for sure. So beautiful Zooey, give it back. Yeah?
Sydney Fife: Return the favor. And if you do, I guarantee that you will have a beautiful and pleasure filled union.
Peter Klaven: I think we should spend some time apart.
Sydney Fife: Okay.
Peter Klaven: So if I actually do wind up having a wedding, its probably best that you... not be there.
Sydney Fife: Yep. Sounds good to me, Pete.
Peter Klaven: And if you could have those billboards taken down...
Sydney Fife: Yeah, yeah, yeah. It will take a few days, but I will get on that. And I'll also make sure you get your money back as soon as possible.
Peter Klaven: Also I think you have my Season 2 LOST DVD's. If you could... If you haven't watched them yet its no...
Sydney Fife: [Grabs DVD] It's fine, Pete. They're right here.
Peter Klaven: [Catches] Thanks.
Peter Klaven: Its just that Zooey hasn't seen them all yet. She's really curious is to what was going on inside that Hatch.
Sydney Fife: Yep.
Sydney Fife: [Shakes hand] I wish you the very best of luck, Peter.
Peter Klaven: You too, Sydney.
Peter Klaven: [to Anwar] Bye, Anwar.
Anwar Sadat: [Snarls]
Peter Klaven: [imitating James Bond] Hey there Miss Moneypussy. Wanna jump on my jet pack?
Sydney Fife: [Imitating Andre the Giant] Anybody want a peanut?
Denise: Oh, my God... Peter's got a boyfriend!
Hailey: And I don't.
Denise: Oh God, why does everything have to be about you?
Hailey: Because I'm single.
Sydney Fife: Peter, I am a man. I have an ocean of testosterone flowing through my veins.
Sydney Fife: [referring to the condoms at his jerk-off station] I always get this reaction, but the truth is they decrease sensitivity so I can last longer.
Peter Klaven: Look man you told my fiancee she needs to give me bloweys, in front of my whole family. Alright you owe me.
Sydney Fife: You make a valid point.
Sydney Fife: I still wanna hang out. Despite that joke. You're better than that.
Peter Klaven: Did you know that the best night I've had in the last 5 years is a night that Zooey and I split a bottle of wine, we made a summer salad and watched "Chocolat" together?
Sydney Fife: You mean "Chocolate"?
Peter Klaven: Chocolat.
Sydney Fife: Chocolate with Johnny Depp.
Peter Klaven: Chocolat.
Sydney Fife: You're not fucking French Pete, it's called "Chocolate".
Peter Klaven: Chocolate's got an 'E' on at the end.
Sydney Fife: That was your favorite night?
Peter Klaven: Yes.
Sydney Fife: Your best night in 5 years is watching "Chocolate" with Johnny Depp? You should be ashamed of yourself.
Peter Klaven: With the combination of wine and summer salad and "Chocolat", yeah!
Sydney Fife: [Quietly] You should be embarrassed.
Peter Klaven: So, my plan is to create this cluster of live/work lofts all along the perimeter here. And - come here - also I'm planning this neighborhoody, kind of dining and retail area in the central square. You know I even had this thought that you, Denise, and Haley could open up a second location for your store...
Zooey: Really? Because Denise keeps talking about wanting to open up another branch.
Peter Klaven: Well it would be great. I I look, the land is a little pricey, so I couldn't develop it right away. But once I sell the Ferrigno Estate I figured out I could at least put a down payment on it, and still have enough money left over for the reception in Santa Barbara...
Zooey: What are you talking about, what reception?
Sydney Fife: [about guest that has just farted] Look at him, crop dusting across your open house.
Sydney Fife: Oh, that was my mother's name...
Sydney Fife: That open house was understated, it was classy, elegant. I've been to a million of those things, and nobody, *nobody* put out Rosemary Flatbread Paninis. Hold on, my dog needs to shit...
Sydney Fife: Wait, you jerked off to a picture of your own girl friend? You - that - wow, that is sick! Oh my God, what is *wrong* with you?
Peter Klaven: What's wrong with that?
Sydney Fife: Pedro, there is so much wrong - I don't even know where to begin... That is sick, man!
Peter Klaven: So I'm thinking about asking Tevin if he wants in on the Ferrigno house.
Sydney Fife: Dude, I pissed on that guy's face at a Bennigans, you do not need to be splitting commission with that frosty-haired chode.
Peter Klaven: [after winning at a drinking contest] In your faaace! In your...
[vomits on Barry's face]
Peter Klaven: I'm sorry.
Barry: Get out of my house.
Peter Klaven: I'm so sorry.
Barry: Just get out of my fucking house.
Peter Klaven: I'm so...
Barry: This is not cool, get the fuck out!
Denise: [Describing Barry] He's 40 pounds overweight, has a Jew-fro and a small penis. I'm the best thing he's ever going to have and I'm only a seven.
Joyce Klaven: Peter always connected better with women.
Zooey: You know, I can see that because he is a great boyfriend.
Peter Klaven: Thank you fiancee.
Oswald Klaven: Also, you got to understand, Zooey, Peter matured sexually at a very early age. I remember taking him swimming when he was twelve-years-old, kid had a bush like a forty-year-old Serbian.
Peter Klaven: Oh come on!
Tevin Downey: [Watching a video of a grandma on a sybian machine] She's got a bush like a porcupine!
Peter Klaven: I will see you there, or I will see you on another time!
Peter Klaven: [Sydney falls backwards off the couch] Sydney, you all right?
Sydney Fife: My fuckin' ass!
Sydney Fife: [Extended Scene] And for the record, I saw Chocolat. Just delightful.
Peter Klaven: It is, right?
Sydney Fife: Yeah. I didn't expect to like it but Johnny Depp is just so versatile and winning.
Peter Klaven: He's the best, he's the best.
Sydney Fife: From Jump Street to Fleet Street, the man is a revelation.
Peter Klaven: Depp wins you over.
Sydney Fife: I hated him in Don Juan DeMarco so much I never gave him a second chance - but this time he's Gilbert Great.
Peter Klaven: You don't think you're gonna like it but then you do because he's so good.
Sydney Fife: You know what I like is that he's willing to discard conventional feelings about how to carry yourself as a movie star and live the way that he wants to.
Peter Klaven: You really get the feeling he does what he wants to do. It's amazing. He was in Platoon. Check out Donnie Brasco.
Sydney Fife: Brasco, my God.
Peter Klaven: I like Ed Wood, too.
Sydney Fife: That guy can act. The combination of the chocolate and his acting, it lulled me into acquiescence.
Peter Klaven: So many times those romantic comedies with food don't work for me. Like Water for Chocolate.
Sydney Fife: Ah, Como Agua Para Chocolate. I read it in the original Spanish.
Peter Klaven: Big Night's good too. That's another movie with food.
Sydney Fife: Yeah. That's with Joe Mantegna?
Peter Klaven: No, that's Stanley Tucci.
Sydney Fife: He's great. He's an actor's actor.
[Barry sneaks out to take a call]
Peter Klaven: Yeah, I think so too. As is Tony Shalhoub.
Sydney Fife: Yeah.
Peter Klaven: Depp, man. Did you know he modelled Jack Sparrow after Keith Richard? From the Rolling Stone, from Rolling Stones.
Sydney Fife: Same old Pete.
Peter Klaven: I just don't see how having somebody piss on my face is going to help me sell Lou Ferrigno's house.
Peter Klaven: Hey Tevin.
Tevin Downey: Hey man.
Peter Klaven: What's so funny?
Tevin Downey: One of the guys in my fantasy football league just sent me a QuickTime, it's a grandma riding a Sybian machine.
Peter Klaven: Ha ha, what's that?
Tevin Downey: It's one of those vibrating saddles that women sit on to give them like super intense orgasms.
Peter Klaven: Ohh...
Tevin Downey: Check it out. How sick is that?
Peter Klaven: It's very, that's very sick.
Tevin Downey: So awesome. She's a squirter! She's squirting! Peter, we got a squirter! Old faithful!
Peter Klaven: Hello fiance.
Zooey: Hey baby I totally forgot it's my turn to host lady's night.
Peter Klaven: Oh no prob, I have a fencing practice anyway. I'll grab a beer with Gil and the boys afterward, hit them with the big news
Zooey: Great! I gotta go, love you.
Peter Klaven: Love you too.
Tevin Downey: Peter! Peter! I'm sending it to you.
Peter Klaven: No I don't want it.
Tevin Downey: You got it.
Peter Klaven: Ohh God. I don't even click it, how does it, I didn't click it on
Tevin Downey: She got a bush like a porcupine!
Peter Klaven: I don't want to know anything about her bush. Hi, Lynette.
Sydney Fife: Trying is having the intention to fail. You've got to scrap that word from your vocab. Say you're gonna do it and you will.
Sydney Fife: I'd just like to make a quick toast.
Peter Klaven: [Grabs Sydney's mic] No!
Peter Klaven: Hey, Sydney! I could be in Venice by five. I could do that.