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I Love You, Man (2009) Poster

Quotes

Peter Klaven: Totally... Totes McGotes.

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Sydney Fife: You get home safe, Pistol.

Peter Klaven: You got it, Joben.

Sydney Fife: I'm sorry, what?

Peter Klaven: Er... nothing.

Sydney Fife: No, what did you say?

Peter Klaven: Nah, I don't know... You nicknamed me Pistol, and I just called you... "Joben"... It means nothing... I don't... I'm drunk... I'm gonna call a cab.

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Peter Klaven: Slapping the bass! Slappa da bass! Slappa da bass mon! Slappa de bass mon!

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Doug: I just wish I could take back that kiss...

Sydney Fife: Woah!

[Looks at Peter]

Doug: ...because now I know it was the taste of betrayal.

Peter Klaven: It wasn't the taste of betrayal!

Doug: It was the taste of betrayal.

Peter Klaven: It wasn't the ta...

Doug: It was the taste of betrayal... you fucking whore!

[Storms off]

Peter Klaven: [to Sydney] I can actually explain that.

Sydney Fife: I would looove to hear that!

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Sydney Fife: [on phone] Just meet me at Muscle Beach in like... I don't know... half an hour?

Peter Klaven: Muscle Beach. Half an hour. I will see you there or I will see you on another time.

Sydney Fife: That was very confusing. I don't know if you're gonna come or not?

Peter Klaven: No, I'll be there. I'll be there.

Sydney Fife: [laughing] Alright I'll see you then, buddy.

Peter Klaven: Alright. Laters on the menjay.

[Hangs up]

Peter Klaven: What did I just say?

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Sydney Fife: Society tells us we're civilized but the truth is we are animals. Sometimes we just have to let it out. Try it.

Peter Klaven: Blaaah!

Sydney Fife: Good. Now gently remove your tampon and try again.

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Peter Klaven: I love you, man.

Sydney Fife: I love you, too, bud.

Peter Klaven: I love you, dude.

Sydney Fife: I love you, Bro Montana.

Peter Klaven: I love you, holmes.

Sydney Fife: I love you, Broseph Goebbels.

Peter Klaven: I love you, muchacha.

Sydney Fife: I love you, Tycho Brohe.

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Peter Klaven: I'm Peter Klaven, I'm the Realtor.

Sydney Fife: Hey check out these two. That guy needs to fart.

Peter Klaven: He does seem to be clenching.

Sydney Fife: Watch the leg... Boom!

Peter Klaven: He farted in my open house.

Sydney Fife: He sure did.

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Peter Klaven: Latress on the menjay.

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Peter Klaven: I think we should spend some time apart.

Sydney Fife: Okay.

Peter Klaven: So if I actually do wind up having a wedding, its probably best that you... not be there.

Sydney Fife: Yep. Sounds good to me, Pete.

Peter Klaven: And if you could have those billboards taken down...

Sydney Fife: Yeah, yeah, yeah. It will take a few days, but I will get on that. And I'll also make sure you get your money back as soon as possible.

Peter Klaven: Also I think you have my Season 2 LOST DVD's. If you could... If you haven't watched them yet its no...

Sydney Fife: [Grabs DVD] It's fine, Pete. They're right here.

[Throws DVD]

Peter Klaven: [Catches] Thanks.

Peter Klaven: Its just that Zooey hasn't seen them all yet. She's really curious is to what was going on inside that Hatch.

Sydney Fife: Yep.

Sydney Fife: [Shakes hand] I wish you the very best of luck, Peter.

Peter Klaven: You too, Sydney.

Peter Klaven: [to Anwar] Bye, Anwar.

Anwar Sadat: [Snarls]

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Joyce Klaven: Peter always connected better with women.

Zooey: You know, I can see that because he is a great boyfriend.

Peter Klaven: Thank you fiancee.

Oswald Klaven: Also, you got to understand, Zooey, Peter matured sexually at a very early age. I remember taking him swimming when he was twelve-years-old, kid had a bush like a forty-year-old Serbian.

Peter Klaven: Oh come on!

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Peter Klaven: Why is it weird that I have girl friends?

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Peter Klaven: Hey, Sydney! I could be in Venice by five. I could do that.

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Peter Klaven: Do you need a plastic bag, or...

Sydney Fife: Oh no. I don't clean up after my dog.

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Peter Klaven: Are you telling me that Robbie is your best friend?

Oswald Klaven: Yes, and Hank Marducas.

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Sydney Fife: This is my nightmare!

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Peter Klaven: See you later, Joben!

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Doug: Hi Peter, I saw your billboards, they're spectacular. I'm sorry for calling you a whore. Best of luck with Sydney, if you're not still together... you can Facebook me.

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Peter Klaven: So what do i do? How do i make friends?

Robbie Klaven: If you see a cool looking guy, strike up a conversation and ask him on a man date.

Peter Klaven: Ok.

Robbie Klaven: You know what i mean?

Peter Klaven: No.

Robbie Klaven: Casual lunch or after work drinks. You're not taking these boys to see The Devil Wears Prada.

Peter Klaven: Ohhhh god i love that movie. No I wont.

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Peter Klaven: I gotta get some fucking friends.

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Sydney Fife: I love you bro Montana.

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Open House Couple: [after trying to discreetly fart at an open house] I like it, but I'm not sure about the space... I'm thinking it might be a little bit small.

Sydney Fife: [Knowing he farted] Totally, and it smells like fart.

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Sydney Fife: [Imitating Andre the Giant] Anybody want a peanut?

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Tevin Downey: [Watching a video of a grandma on a sybian machine] She's got a bush like a porcupine!

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Sydney Fife: [Nonchalantly] This is where i jerk-off.

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Sydney Fife: This is the man cave, there's no women allowed in here. I got a jerk-off station for God's sake.

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Denise: Oh my God, Hailey, why must everything always be about you?

Hailey: Because I'm single.

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Peter Klaven: I will see you there, or I will see you on another time!

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Sydney Fife: Peter, I am a man. I have an ocean of testosterone flowing through my veins.

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Sydney Fife: [referring to the condoms at his jerk-off station] I always get this reaction, but the truth is they decrease sensitivity so I can last longer.

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Peter Klaven: Why does everything I do sound like a leprechaun?

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Barry: I don't think she sucks his...

Denise: Watch your mouth!

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Peter Klaven: Look man you told my fiancee she needs to give me bloweys, in front of my whole family. Alright you owe me.

Sydney Fife: You make a valid point.

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Peter Klaven: She was very nice looking.

Sydney Fife: Yeah... I fucked her.

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Sydney Fife: I still wanna hang out. Despite that joke. You're better than that.

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Peter Klaven: Hey Mel? Do you have any plans on June 30th?

Mel Stein: ...I'm 89 years old what the fuck kind of plans would I have?

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Doug: [walking by Peter & Sydney hugging] You're a whore Peter!

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Peter Klaven: [imitating James Bond] Hey there Miss Moneypussy. Wanna jump on my jet pack?

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Sydney Fife: Zooey, you are about to marry one of the most honest, kind and fun-loving people I've ever had the honor of knowing. The Pistol is a pleasure giver that's for sure. So beautiful Zooey, give it back. Yeah?

[winks]

Sydney Fife: Return the favor. And if you do, I guarantee that you will have a beautiful and pleasure filled union.

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Peter Klaven: Did you know that the best night I've had in the last 5 years is a night that Zooey and I split a bottle of wine, we made a summer salad and watched "Chocolat" together?

Sydney Fife: You mean "Chocolate"?

Peter Klaven: Chocolat.

Sydney Fife: Chocolate with Johnny Depp.

Peter Klaven: Chocolat.

Sydney Fife: You're not fucking French Pete, it's called "Chocolate".

Peter Klaven: Chocolate's got an 'E' on at the end.

Sydney Fife: That was your favorite night?

Peter Klaven: Yes.

Sydney Fife: Your best night in 5 years is watching "Chocolate" with Johnny Depp? You should be ashamed of yourself.

Peter Klaven: With the combination of wine and summer salad and "Chocolat", yeah!

Sydney Fife: [Quietly] You should be embarrassed.

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[first lines]

Peter Klaven: So, my plan is to create this cluster of live/work lofts all along the perimeter here. And - come here - also I'm planning this neighborhoody, kind of dining and retail area in the central square. You know I even had this thought that you, Denise, and Haley could open up a second location for your store...

Zooey: Really? Because Denise keeps talking about wanting to open up another branch.

Peter Klaven: Well it would be great. I I look, the land is a little pricey, so I couldn't develop it right away. But once I sell the Ferrigno Estate I figured out I could at least put a down payment on it, and still have enough money left over for the reception in Santa Barbara...

Zooey: What are you talking about, what reception?

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Sydney Fife: [about guest that has just farted] Look at him, crop dusting across your open house.

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[repeated line]

Sydney Fife: Oh, that was my mother's name...

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Sydney Fife: That open house was understated, it was classy, elegant. I've been to a million of those things, and nobody, *nobody* put out Rosemary Flatbread Paninis. Hold on, my dog needs to shit...

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Sydney Fife: Wait, you jerked off to a picture of your own girl friend? You - that - wow, that is sick! Oh my God, what is *wrong* with you?

Peter Klaven: What's wrong with that?

Sydney Fife: Pedro, there is so much wrong - I don't even know where to begin... That is sick, man!

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Peter Klaven: [Sydney falls backwards off the couch] Sydney, you all right?

Sydney Fife: My fuckin' ass!

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Peter Klaven: So I'm thinking about asking Tevin if he wants in on the Ferrigno house.

Sydney Fife: Dude, I pissed on that guy's face at a Bennigans, you do not need to be splitting commission with that frosty-haired chode.

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Peter Klaven: Rush! I love Rush!

Sydney Fife: Dude! Rush is greatest rock band of all time!

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Sydney Fife: [Extended Scene] And for the record, I saw Chocolat. Just delightful.

Peter Klaven: It is, right?

Sydney Fife: Yeah. I didn't expect to like it but Johnny Depp is just so versatile and winning.

Peter Klaven: He's the best, he's the best.

Sydney Fife: From Jump Street to Fleet Street, the man is a revelation.

Peter Klaven: Depp wins you over.

Sydney Fife: I hated him in Don Juan DeMarco so much I never gave him a second chance - but this time he's Gilbert Great.

Peter Klaven: You don't think you're gonna like it but then you do because he's so good.

Sydney Fife: You know what I like is that he's willing to discard conventional feelings about how to carry yourself as a movie star and live the way that he wants to.

Peter Klaven: You really get the feeling he does what he wants to do. It's amazing. He was in Platoon. Check out Donnie Brasco.

Sydney Fife: Brasco, my God.

Peter Klaven: I like Ed Wood, too.

Sydney Fife: That guy can act. The combination of the chocolate and his acting, it lulled me into acquiescence.

[Zooey yawns]

Peter Klaven: So many times those romantic comedies with food don't work for me. Like Water for Chocolate.

Sydney Fife: Ah, Como Agua Para Chocolate. I read it in the original Spanish.

Peter Klaven: Big Night's good too. That's another movie with food.

Sydney Fife: Yeah. That's with Joe Mantegna?

Peter Klaven: No, that's Stanley Tucci.

Sydney Fife: He's great. He's an actor's actor.

[Barry sneaks out to take a call]

Peter Klaven: Yeah, I think so too. As is Tony Shalhoub.

Sydney Fife: Yeah.

Peter Klaven: Depp, man. Did you know he modelled Jack Sparrow after Keith Richard? From the Rolling Stone, from Rolling Stones.

Sydney Fife: Same old Pete.

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Peter Klaven: I just don't see how having somebody piss on my face is going to help me sell Lou Ferrigno's house.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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