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Roy Wood Jr.: I suck at love. You ever been on a date so bad, the girl make you drop her off at another dude's house?

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[about one of his friends]

Drew Hastings: He's always giving me a hard time about my girlfriend. "It's gotta be nice, Drew. Your girlfriend is twenty years younger than you!" No it's not. You know what that means, having a girlfriend twenty years younger than you? That just means you've got to put up with the same bullshit you were putting up with twenty years ago!

[laughter]

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[about his service in the Marine Corps]

Greg Hahn: I wanted to be a sniper. I wanted to be swift, silent, and deadly. But I'm too big, noisy, and stupid.

[laughter]

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Bob Zany: We have a store in L.A. called Albertsons. And their slogan? "It's your store." It's your store, but they don't like it when I try to take my shit home.

[pointing out the punchline to audience member]

Bob Zany: I was shoplifting.

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[about taking up coyote hunting to take his mind off his depression]

Drew Hastings: That was a stupid idea. The last thing you want to do when you're clinically depressed is to go sit out in the woods with a *gun* by yourself all day.

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Drew Hastings: My best friend is always giving me a hard time. "Drew, you've got to quit smoking! It's just slow suicide." WELL IT'S OBVIOUSLY NOT WORKING, IS IT?

[laughter]

Drew Hastings: I mean, incremental suicide isn't the most efficient way to do yourself in. It's kind of like a woman saying "I'm going to kill myself by bleeding to death one period at a time."

[laughter]

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Greg Hahn: Who thinks I forgot to take my medication?

[applause]

Greg Hahn: I don't take any medication. I should take something, shouldn't I? You know what I would take? I would take Prozac, Paxil, Zoloft all at the same time. Just walk around super anti-depressed.

[laughter]

Greg Hahn: "Good morning, Greg." "Hip, hip Ho-RAAY!"

[laughter]

Greg Hahn: "High five myself, no friends. Come on!"

[high-fives himself]

Greg Hahn: What if you took those pills, but you're already naturally happy, so you don't need them? Would you be like triple times crazy happy, trying to contain yourself all day?

[crazy noises and screams]

Greg Hahn: Bad news would have no effect on me if I took all those pills, you know? "Your girlfriend's pregnant." "YEAH!" "It's not yours." "Well, he's the man!"

[high-fives himself]

Greg Hahn: "Party whore!"

[pantomimes blowing a party favor]

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Bob Zany: I love Radio Shack, they have the best slogan: "If you've got questions, we've got answers." I have some questions.

[laughter]

Bob Zany: If I marry two dwarves, is that bigamy?

[laughter]

Bob Zany: What does an atheist say during an orgasm?

[laughter]

Bob Zany: "Oh, Darwin! Oh, Darwin!"

[laughter]

Bob Zany: I told that joke in Kansas, I got *nothing*!

[laughter]

Bob Zany: If a tree falls in the forest and hits my wife, but nobody else is around, does a chainsaw still make a noise?

[laughter]

Bob Zany: If a bisexual turns up missing, should they put their picture on carton of half-and-half?

[laughter]

Bob Zany: If I bet a hooker a hundred dollars she can't make me cum, is that gambling or prostitution?

[laughter]

Bob Zany: If the hand is quicker than the eye, how come I always get caught masturbating?

[laughter]

Bob Zany: So I was escorted out of Radio Shack...

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[about getting kicked out of a Career Day]

Roy Wood Jr.: I said "listen up, two or three of you got some potential, but reality is half of you bastards ain't gonna make it."

[laughter]

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Drew Hastings: I do nothing to stay in shape anymore. The only exercise I'm getting is mood swings.

[laughter]

Drew Hastings: I get winded playing euchre.

[laughter]

Drew Hastings: I've got a three hundred dollar clothes rack at home in the shape of an exercise bike.

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Drew Hastings: I love her to death, my girlfriend. But, God we fight. Fight, argue. And it always starts out so innocuously. So simple, something so minor. You know, "Honey, wh-where's my sock?" And twenty minutes later, it's "Get the SWAT team away from the door! I'll kill her *and* the fucking cat!"

[laughter]

Drew Hastings: "And where's my sock?"

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[talking about his farm in Ohio]

Drew Hastings: When I got this place, about a year and a half ago, I had five barn cats. I have one left.

[laughter]

Drew Hastings: ONE. Do you have any idea how hard it is to kill a fucking barn cat?

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[about people who try to pressure him into writing his will]

Roy Wood Jr.: There's nothing more depressing than to sit down to make a list of all the things you want to give away when you die, only to discover that you don't have anything to give away.

[laughter]

Roy Wood Jr.: I have nothing! My God. Twenty-eight years old, and the only things I have are a George Foreman grill and a "Shrek 2" DVD.

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Bob Kevoian: Thank you! I'm, uh... I'm Bob!

Tom Griswold: And I'm Tom from the Bob & Tom Radio Show.

[cheers and applause]

Bob Kevoian: You know, one of the best things about doing morning radio is getting to meet the greatest comedians in the country.

Tom Griswold: And we've got a bunch of them for you here tonight!

[more applause]

Tom Griswold: First up, he's a proud ex-Marine...

Bob Kevoian: And the Marines are proud, and relieved, that he's no longer part of the Corps.

[laughter]

Tom Griswold: This guy is just a Ritilin prescription away from being an accountant.

[laughter]

Bob Kevoian: Ladies and gentlemen, from Boca Raton, Florida, Greg Hahn!

[cheers and applause]

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[about his sister-in-law, who is his wife's identical twin]

Mike Armstrong: I tell her the same thing every time I see her: "I know what you look like naked."

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[about his girlfriend]

Drew Hastings: You know what I love about her? She is smart as a whip. She is. We play Scrabble all the time; I have NEVER beaten her. The only time I used all seven tiles at once is when I tossed them in her face.

[laughter]

Drew Hastings: "Yeah, what's that spell?" "Fuck of. That's right!"

[laughter]

Drew Hastings: She just turned 30, wants to have a baby. A baby! I just turned 50! I'd end up shaking the baby to death from palsy!

[laughter; Drew pantomimes shakily holding a baby]

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[about his girlfriend wanting to have kids]

Drew Hastings: I finally had my mind made up for me this year. I was in Atlanta a while back. I'm sitting outside a coffee house, and this... CUTE little four or five year old girl walks by with her mom. And this little girl says to her mother, "Mommy, you know what my three favorite colors are?" The mother looks down at her and says, "No, darling. What are they?" And they just kept walking up the sidewalk. And I thought to myself, "you see, that's my problem. I don't give a fuck what your three favorite colors are."

[laughter]

Drew Hastings: And I felt horrible! I felt horrible! What's wrong with me? Why aren't I like everybody else? Where's my universal love for children? What if I have kids? I still feel like that about them. And then I talk to married people all the time, and they're like, "No you won't, Drew. You know what? It's different when you have your own."

[murmurs of disagreement]

Drew Hastings: Yeah! Yeah, what if it's not? "Well, that's very pretty. What did you draw there? You know what, pin it up on the God damn refrigerator yourself."

[laughter]

Drew Hastings: "Don't touch me! You have something sticky on your hand! Never touch me."

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[about the Marine Corps]

Greg Hahn: That's the attitude, that's the word they use: "outstanding." Everything is outstanding. "Today, we're going to hit you in the head with a pipe." "Outstanding!"

[laughter]

Greg Hahn: The same week I came out of boot camp was the week my sister got married, and she had me seat the people at her wedding. I was squared away and fired up for this arrangement. I accepted this assignment. These people come walking up to me in front of the church: "Oh, you must be Patricia's brother."

[as himself]

Greg Hahn: "SIT DOWN!"

[laughter]

Greg Hahn: "SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE, I DON'T WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND!"

[back to normal]

Greg Hahn: Two hundred people showed up. I put them all in the same row.

[laughter]

Greg Hahn: [as himself] "TIGHT IT UP, TIGHT IT UP, TIGHT IT UP, TIGHT IT UP!"

[laughter]

Greg Hahn: [as wedding guest] "We are totally uncomfortable."

Greg Hahn: [as himself] "OUTSTANDING!"

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[about corporate job interviews]

Greg Hahn: They always ask you questions where they try to make you sabotage your own self, have you noticed? "Uh, so tell us, where do you think you could use improvement?" As if you're going to say "well, I am seething with hostility."

[laughter]

Greg Hahn: "I love to throw STAPLERS!"

[pantomimes throwing a stapler]

Greg Hahn: "I am no stranger to prison."

[holds up his arms in mock handcuffs, and laughs]

Greg Hahn: "Hey, does this look like ringworm to you? RINGWORM! It's itchy, it's itchy!"

[hold up his hand and scratches it]

Greg Hahn: I'm a biter, I love to bite!

[growls like a dog]

Greg Hahn: "I HATE SOAP!"

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Bob Zany: It's time for a little thing I do. I don't know if you may have heard of it. It's called the Zany Report! Anybody want to hear the Zany Report?

[cheers and applause]

Bob Zany: Yeah! Yeah! Thank you. You know, I did this the other night, and a lady in the front row was laughing so hard, milk was coming out of her breasts.

[laughter]

Bob Zany: That's not funny part. The guy next to her? Lactose intolerant.

[laughter]

Bob Zany: The Los Angeles City Council has outlawed urination and defecation in public. The members said "It's been our number one and number two priorities."

[laughter]

Bob Zany: Viagra may cause blindness. Patients said "We didn't see that coming."

[laughter]

Bob Zany: Gentlemen, listen up. Men who do housework get more sex than those who don't. There's a caveat: they're also more likely to be rushed to the emergency room with their penis stuck in a vacuum.

[laughter]

Bob Zany: [grabbing his crotch] I got your eight-pound Oreck right here.

[laughter]

Bob Zany: [waving to audience members in the raised balcony] Just think, if you would have shown up early, you could have had better seats.

[laughter]

Bob Zany: Former president Clinton said during open-heart surgery, he had visions of death. Then the nurse asked Hilary to leave the room.

[laughter]

Bob Zany: Hang on, I got your bipartisan comedy. Vice President Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter Mary is writing a book. It's tentatively entitled "The Only Dick I Love is My Daddy".

[laughter]

Bob Zany: Yeah! According to the World Health Organization, the SARS virus can live four days on a toilet seat, beating out Elvis by three.

[laughter]

Bob Zany: I told that joke in Memphis, I got *nothing*! Remember that climber who got his arm trapped in between a bolt and then he cut off his own arm to escape? They asked him if he'd do it again, and he said "Yeah, but only one more time."

[laughter]

Bob Zany: There's the Zany Report, right there for you. A little Zany Report.

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Drew Hastings: Have you ever had an orgasm that so is so violent, so intense that your legs buckle, you hit your head on the bathtub and no one finds you for hours?

[laughter]

Drew Hastings: This has not been my day. Thank you.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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