Bob Zany: Self

Quotes 

• Bob Zany : We have a store in L.A. called Albertsons. And their slogan? "It's your store." It's your store, but they don't like it when I try to take my shit home.

  [pointing out the punchline to audience member] 

  Bob Zany : I was shoplifting.

• Bob Zany : I love Radio Shack, they have the best slogan: "If you've got questions, we've got answers." I have some questions.

  [laughter] 

  Bob Zany : If I marry two dwarves, is that bigamy?

  [laughter] 

  Bob Zany : What does an atheist say during an orgasm?

  [laughter] 

  Bob Zany : "Oh, Darwin! Oh, Darwin!"

  [laughter] 

  Bob Zany : I told that joke in Kansas, I got *nothing*!

  [laughter] 

  Bob Zany : If a tree falls in the forest and hits my wife, but nobody else is around, does a chainsaw still make a noise?

  [laughter] 

  Bob Zany : If a bisexual turns up missing, should they put their picture on carton of half-and-half?

  [laughter] 

  Bob Zany : If I bet a hooker a hundred dollars she can't make me cum, is that gambling or prostitution?

  [laughter] 

  Bob Zany : If the hand is quicker than the eye, how come I always get caught masturbating?

  [laughter] 

  Bob Zany : So I was escorted out of Radio Shack...

• Bob Zany : It's time for a little thing I do. I don't know if you may have heard of it. It's called the Zany Report! Anybody want to hear the Zany Report?

  [cheers and applause] 

  Bob Zany : Yeah! Yeah! Thank you. You know, I did this the other night, and a lady in the front row was laughing so hard, milk was coming out of her breasts.

  [laughter] 

  Bob Zany : That's not funny part. The guy next to her? Lactose intolerant.

  [laughter] 

  Bob Zany : The Los Angeles City Council has outlawed urination and defecation in public. The members said "It's been our number one and number two priorities."

  [laughter] 

  Bob Zany : Viagra may cause blindness. Patients said "We didn't see that coming."

  [laughter] 

  Bob Zany : Gentlemen, listen up. Men who do housework get more sex than those who don't. There's a caveat: they're also more likely to be rushed to the emergency room with their penis stuck in a vacuum.

  [laughter] 

  Bob Zany : [grabbing his crotch]  I got your eight-pound Oreck right here.

  [laughter] 

  Bob Zany : [waving to audience members in the raised balcony]  Just think, if you would have shown up early, you could have had better seats.

  [laughter] 

  Bob Zany : Former president Clinton said during open-heart surgery, he had visions of death. Then the nurse asked Hilary to leave the room.

  [laughter] 

  Bob Zany : Hang on, I got your bipartisan comedy. Vice President Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter Mary is writing a book. It's tentatively entitled "The Only Dick I Love is My Daddy".

  [laughter] 

  Bob Zany : Yeah! According to the World Health Organization, the SARS virus can live four days on a toilet seat, beating out Elvis by three.

  [laughter] 

  Bob Zany : I told that joke in Memphis, I got *nothing*! Remember that climber who got his arm trapped in between a bolt and then he cut off his own arm to escape? They asked him if he'd do it again, and he said "Yeah, but only one more time."

  [laughter] 

  Bob Zany : There's the Zany Report, right there for you. A little Zany Report.