The Jerk Theory (2008)

Tom Arnold: Father Bailey

Quotes 

• Clinton : Is it true nuns are married to God?

  Father Bailey : Yes. Yes, nuns have taken a vow of celibacy.

  Clinton : Didn't YOU?

  Father Bailey : Yes. Yes, I did.

  Clinton : So, are you married to God, too?

  Father Bailey : I think I know where you're going with this, Clifford, and I... I-I'm not gay. And neither's God. Ask Sister Vasquez. Of course, you know, the wife's usually the last one to find out.

• Adam Dynes : [in the confessional]  Father, do you ever wonder what it would be like to have a normal life?

  Father Bailey : If by "normal life" you mean finding my soulmate, falling in love, and she's kind and nurturing and she loves me just as much as I love her, in spite of my flaws, and we get married and have children, and... and I coach my son's baseball team and one day walk my daughter down the aisle--they have kids and so we're grandparents--and then we retire early and I buy one of those huge RVs, like at least a 60-footer, with satellite TV, and we travel around the whole country together... no, I... I've never thought of that. Besides, I have you kids to take care of. So, what's up?

• Father Bailey : Okay, perverts, I got it. Get a haircut, kid.