Lily: Ugh, this is all Ted's fault. Ooh, like he's so perfect, Mr. Corrector.
Robin Scherbatsky: What are you talking about?
Lily: Oh, come on, you dated the guy for a year and didn't notice that most of what he says is correcting you?
Robin Scherbatsky: Oh, can you hand me a Kleenex?
Ted: Actually, Kleenex is a brand, this is a facial tissue.
[flashback; during a movie]
Robin Scherbatsky: Oh my God, is Frankenstein gonna kill that little girl?
Ted: Uh, Dr. Frankenstein isn't in this scene, that's Frankenstein's monster.
[flashback; after having sex]
Robin Scherbatsky: That literally blew my mind.
[back to the bar]
Robin Scherbatsky: Oh, my God, that is so annoying!
Lily: Isn't it?
Marshall Eriksen: Brother, you're driving the "I wanna have sex with her" truck, and it has a huge blind spot.
Ted Mosby: That's ridiculous.
Barney Stinson: Is it, really? Ted, let me tell you a little story about a young lady I wanted to have sex with. Lucilia. On a white sand beach in Rio de Janeiro, we made love for ten straight hours, and when we were done, she applauded, and told me I was far, far better than the best lover she could possibly imagine, and that I had restored her faith in God.
Ted Mosby: What's that have to do with Cathy?
Barney Stinson: Who's Cathy?
Marshall Eriksen: [singing] Paying my bills using return address labels. From a charity that I haven't given money to. Writing a check cause now I feel guilty The Salivation Army does not fight fair. Heading down to the basement today. With my laundry and a roll of quarter. But I'm back too soon Cause I left the detergent And the fabric softener
Ted Mosby: So, i just got off the phone with Cathy. God, you guys are so right. I totally hear it now... See it now?... Smell it? What is it? I left the table for two minutes. What could she have possibly done in that time that was so horrible? Was it...
[Flashback, at the restaurant]
Ted Mosby: I'll be back in one second.
Cathy: One time, in the tenth grade, as a joke, i told everyone that my English teacher had sex with me.
Cathy: He's still in jail.
Ted Mosby: Or maybe...
Ted Mosby: [New flashback] I'll be back in a second.
Cathy: So I volunte at the pound.
Lily: Oh, isn't that nice?
Cathy: Yeah. You can't imagine the rush you get from killing a unwanted dog. I make bracelets out of the collars.
Ted Mosby: Or...
Ted Mosby: I'll be back in one second.
Cathy: I bet he's going to the urinal. yeah. I remember when I had a penis.
Marshall Eriksen: [to Lily chewing loudly] Say, what's in that cereal besides dried twigs and small animal bones?
Robin Scherbatsky: Oh, my God, Lily! What are you eating? Gravel?
Marshall Eriksen: Oh, I know, right? It sounds like cufflinks going up a vacuum cleaner!
Lily Aldrin: Well, why don't you sing about it?
Marshall Eriksen: [singing] Because I don't sing about everything I do!
Robin Scherbatsky: No, no, sometimes you just sing nonsense words, like a stroke victim. And what's worse: they're catchy! Apple, Orchard, Banana Cat Dance.
Robin Scherbatsky: See, we know that one because you once sang it for like three hours? What the hell is that?
Marshall Eriksen: That's my password: AOBCD8663.
Marshall Eriksen: I'm gonna have to wait till the results come in the regular mail. That could be weeks from now, if ever! Our mail carrier hates me ever since I asked her when the baby was due.
Robin Scherbatsky: She wasn't pregnant?
Ted Mosby: No, he was not.
Ted Mosby: You guys want a drink?
Robin Scherbatsky: I'll just have a water.
Ted Mosby: Mmm, technically, water is a drink.
Robin Scherbatsky: Really, professor? You drink it? Is that how water works? Because I was just gonna smear it on my skin and hope that I absorbed it.
Marshall Eriksen: What about you, "Barney"? Okay, you... always...
Barney Stinson: Interesting, interesting, everyone has annoying habits but me.
Marshall Eriksen: Oh, got it. Okay, you sometimes talk in a weird high-pitched voice.
Robin Scherbatsky: And you're constantly using lame catchphrases.
Ted Mosby: And sometimes you space out and don't even pay attention to what we're talking about.
Barney Stinson: I'm sorry. what? Oh, see? You can't think of anything cause I am awesome.
Robin Scherbatsky: All three right the.
Ted Mosby: I can't wait for you guys to meet her. Lily, she knows all about art. Marshall, she is open to the existence of extraterrestrials. Barney, she's hot. Robin, she's not hotter than you.
Barney Stinson: Trust me, you need to see this.
Marshall Eriksen: What is so important that I need to see it right now?
Barney Stinson: It's a video of a dog pooping on a baby.
Marshall Eriksen: How do I need to see that? Why would I need to see that? In what possible way could subjecting my eyes and brain to something that disgusting enrich my life?
Barney Stinson: It's a dog pooping on a baby!
Barney Stinson: [on Marshall's grocery list] This is like the shopping a ten-year-old does when his parents leave him alone for the weekend.
Lily Aldrin: What parent leaves a ten-year-old alone for the weekend?
Barney Stinson: And your mom was perfect.
Ted Mosby: She chews loudly. Why do you think we call her Chewbacca?
Marshall Eriksen: Because she's loyal, wears shiny belts, and I resemble a young Harrison Ford.
Barney Stinson: [to Marshall] Just do a quick Google search on "caca spaniel".
Barney Stinson: [after Marshall passes the bar] Lawsuit up!
Ted Mosby: She just never shuts up, does she?
Robin Scherbatsky: She didn't stop to swallow her food. I was scared for her. I didn't want her to choke... at first
Barney Stinson: We're about to find out if you're a lawyer. Now, in good conscience, I have to inform you that using his software is in violation of the patriot act, the strategic defense initiative, and the national security act of 1948, which created to CIA. So I hope you passed the bar because if we use this software, the night janitor gligor who I fooled into putting fingerprints on my computer, is going to need a good lawyer. Are you certain you want to go through with this?