Charlie Harper: Remember those songs I recorded last week?
Jake Harper: Those songs sucked.
Charlie Harper: Of course they sucked. They're kid's songs.
Charlie Harper: Hey, guess what?
Alan Harper: There's no God?
Charlie Harper: On the contrary. There is a God, and he love me long time.
Charlie Harper: [on phone] Well, I'm not going to do it. What are you going to do, sue me? Really? Can he sue me?
Alan Harper: Did you sign a contract.
Charlie Harper: [back on phone] What time do I go on?
Charlie Harper: Oh, Raffi, you magnificent son of a bitch. How does he do it? What does he have that I don't?
Alan Harper: Well, judging from first impressions, a genuine love of children and bladder control.
Charlie Harper: That was a cheap shot.
Alan Harper: I take them when I can.
Charlie: The poster is meant to smell like Maple Syrup- like me.
Alan: What they couldn't make it smell like Bourbon?
Charlie Harper: [talking about Vicki's daughter Jodie at the grocery store] Her birthday's coming up?
Vicki: This weekend she'll be 6.
Charlie Harper: Oh, what a magical age. Tell you what - how would Jodie like a free "Charlie Waffles" birthday concert?
Vicki: You would do that?
Charlie Harper: Who loves kids?
Vicki: Charlie Waffles.
Charlie Harper: Riiiiight... Call me.
Vicki: Look, it's got a waffle on it, how adorable.
Charlie Harper: [to Alan] Told you I had to pick something up.