Sheldon: I'll watch the last 24 minutes of Doctor Who, although at this point it's more like Doctor Why Bother.
Leonard: The only way we can play teams is if we cut Raj in half.
Raj Koothrappali: Oh, sure. Cut the foreigner in half. There's a billion more where he came from.
Christy: There's my little engine that could.
Howard Wolowitz: Chugga-chugga-chugga...
Sheldon: Well, there's one beloved children's book I'll never read again.
Raj Koothrappali: Can we please make a decision? Not only are there children starving in India, there's an Indian starving right here.
Leonard: What's wrong?
Penny: Well, um, Christy and Howard are kind of hooking up in my bedroom.
Leonard: Are you sure?
Penny: Look, I grew up on a farm, OK? From what I heard, they're either having sex, or Howard's caught in a milking machine.
Leonard: Sheldon, think this through. You're going to ask Howard to choose between sex and Halo.
Sheldon: No, I'm going to ask him to choose between sex and Halo 3. As far as I know sex has not been upgraded to include high-def graphics and enhanced weapons systems.
Leonard: You're right, all sex has is nudity, orgasms and human contact.
Sheldon: My point.
Penny: Hey, if you guys need a fourth, I'll play.
Leonard: Great idea.
Sheldon: No. The wheel was a great idea. Relativity was a great idea. This is a notion and a rather sucky one at that.
Sheldon: Why? Oh, Penny, Penny, Penny.
Penny: Oh, what, what, what?
Sheldon: This is a complex battle simulation with a steep learning curve. There are myriad weapons, vehicles and strategies to master, not to mention an extremely intricate back story.
Penny: [explosion] Oh, cool! Whose head did I just blow off?
Penny: Okay, I got this. Lock and load, boys!
Leonard: It's the only way we can play teams.
Sheldon: Yes, but whoever's her partner will be hamstrung by her lack of experience and not to
Sheldon: mention the fact that...
Penny: Ha Ha! There goes your head again.
Sheldon: Okay, that's not good sportsmanship to shoot somebody who's just respawned. You need to give them a
Sheldon: chance... now, c'mon.
Sheldon: Raj, Raj, she's got me cornered. Cover me.
Penny: Cover this suckers.
Leonard: Penny, you are on fire.
Penny: Yes, so is Sheldon.
Sheldon: Okay, that's it. I don't know how, but she is cheating. No-one can be that attractive and this skilled at a video game.
Penny: Wait, wait. Sheldon. Come back, you forgot something.
Penny: This plasma grenade.
Penny: [laughs] Look! It's raining you.
Sheldon: You laugh now. You just wait until you need tech support.
Sheldon: Okay, this cereal has lost all its molecular integrity. I now have a bowl of shredded wheat paste.
Sheldon: You laugh now, you just wait until you need tech support.
Penny: Gosh. He's kind of a sore loser, isn't he?
Leonard: Well, to be fair, he's also a rather unpleasant winner.
Penny: Well, it's been fun.
Leonard: Penny, we make such a good team. Maybe we could enter a couple of "Halo" tournaments sometime.
Penny: Or we could just have a life.
Leonard: I guess for you, that's an option. Ha-ha. Ha.
Christy: [arguing] All I'm saying is you could take the plastic off the couch!
Mrs. Wolowitz: Why? So you and Howard can hump on it?
Howard Wolowitz: When they perfect human cloning, I'm gonna order twelve of those.
Howard Wolowitz: [On answering machine recording] You have reached Howard Wolowitz...
Christy: ...and Cristy.
Howard Wolowitz: And we can't come to the phone right now because we're having sex!
Christy: You're not going to put that on the answering machine, are you?
Howard Wolowitz: Just kidding, I'll re-record it.
Penny: Look, Howard, I know her, okay? She'll have sex with anyone as long as they keep buying her things.
Howard Wolowitz: Really?
Howard Wolowitz: YAY.
Leonard: Penny, if you promise not to chew the flesh off our bones while we sleep, you can stay.
Sheldon: [glaring at Leonard] He's engaging in reductio ad absurdum.
Sheldon: It's the logical fallacy of extending someone's argument to ridiculous proportions and then criticizing the result. And I do not appreciate it.
Chen: Where's your annoying little friend who thinks he speaks Mandarin?
Sheldon: He's putting his needs above the collective good.
[to the other guys]
Sheldon: Where he comes from, that's punishable by death.
Chen: *I* come from Sacramento.
Penny: You used my loofah?
Howard Wolowitz: More precisely, we used your loofah. I exfoliated her brains out.
Sheldon: [as Penny makes up the couch to sleep on she puts the pillow on the end of the couch closest to the door] Hmm-hmm, wrong.
Penny: [Turning to face Sheldon with a glare] I'm listening.
Sheldon: Your head goes on the other end.
Sheldon: It's culturally universal. A bed, even a temporary bed, is always oriented with the headboard away from the door. It serves the ancient imperative of protecting oneself against marauders.
Penny: I'll risk it.
Sheldon: [high pitched] Hmm.
[and turns away]
[there is a knock at the door]
Sheldon: Oh, what fresh hell is this?
Sheldon: Penny, we would very much appreciate it if you would be the fourth member of our Halo team. I don't think I need to tell you what an honor this is.
Penny: Aww, that's so sweet but I'm going out dancing with a girlfriend.
Sheldon: You can't go out, it's Halo night.
Penny: Well, for Penny it's dancing night.
Sheldon: Do you go dancing every Wednesday?
Sheldon: Then it's not dancing night.
Penny: Can I hide out here for a while?
Leonard: Sure. What's going on?
Penny: Well, there's this girl I know from back in Nebraska, Christy. Anyway, she called me up and she's like "Hey, how's California?", and I'm, like, "Awesome", 'cause, you know, it's not Nebraska. And the next thing I know, she's invited herself out here to stay with me.
Sheldon: [wanting to start Halo] 8:08.
Penny: Anyway, she got here today and she's just been in my apartment yakkety yakking about every guy she slept with in Omaha, which is basically every guy in Omaha, and washing the sluttiest collection of underwear you have ever seen in my bathroom sink.
Howard Wolowitz: Well, is she doing it one thong at a time or does she throw it all in, like some sort of erotic bouillabaisse?
Penny: [to Leonard] He really needs to dial it down.
Leonard: So, if you don't like this Christy, why are you letting her stay?
Penny: Well, she was engaged to my cousin while she was sleeping with my brother, so she's kind of family.
Sheldon: Yeah, I apologize for my earlier outburst. Who needs Halo when we can be regaled with the delightfully folksy tale of the whore of Omaha?
Leonard: Oh, I don't think she's a whore.
Penny: No, yeah, she's definitely a whore. I mean, she has absolutely no standards. This one time she was at... where's Howard?
Howard Wolowitz: [off-screen at Penny's apartment] Bonjour, mademoiselle. I understand you're new in town.
Howard Wolowitz: Watch this. It's really cool. Call Leonard Hofstadter.
Automated Cell Phone Voice: Did you say "Call Helen Boxleitner"?
Howard Wolowitz: No. Call Leonard Hofstadter.
Automated Cell Phone Voice: Did you say "Call Temple Beth Sader"?
Howard Wolowitz: No.
Leonard: Here, here, here. Let me try. Call McFlono McFlooneyloo.
Automated Cell Phone Voice: Calling Rajesh Koothrappali.
Raj Koothrappali: [his phone rings] Oh. That's very impressive. And a little racist.
Sheldon: If we're all through playing "mock the flawed technology", can we get on with Halo night?
Howard Wolowitz: So, what do you say? You wanna repair to casa Wolowitz?
Christy: What is that, like a Mexican deli?
Howard Wolowitz: I'm sorry, I should have mentioned this earlier. My last name is Wolowitz.
Christy: Oh! That's so cool.
[to Sheldon, Leonard, and Penny]
Christy: My first Jew.