The Slammin' Salmon (2009)
Cleon Salmon: You know what ten grand feels like in your pocket? It feels like a third cock.
Cleon Salmon: A little story for you, Dave 2, before you get back to work. When I was training for the Dispute in Beirut, I used to run ten miles a day with a baby camel strapped to my back. So you can understand how bemusing I find it that you're trying to run away from me. Don't run. Just take it.
Donnie: The Champ is going to kill me. There's no way I can get out of last place.
Tara: Donnie, he's not going to kill you.
Donnie: Didn't you hear? Last place is a broken rib sandwich!
Tara: Well, you see? Breaking your ribs won't kill you.
Cleon Salmon: [while admiring his sister's triplets] Look at the little babies! Hey, it's Uncle Cleon. Damn, they all look the same. What did you do, fuck a Xerox machine?
Cleon Salmon: Who is Guy... Meatdrapes? What kind of name is that?
Guy: It's, um, it's Metdrapedes, sir. It's Greek.
Cleon Salmon: I think you're pronouncing it wrong. This says Meatdrapes.
Guy: It's actually pronounced Metdrapedes.
Cleon Salmon: Well, why doesn't it sound like that when I say it? Meatdrapes.
Cleon Salmon: Well, if a trip to the Bahamas ain't gonna get the molasses out your asses, maybe $10,000 will do the trick. That's right, new prize. Top waiter leaves here tonight with ten grand in his pocket. You know what ten grand feels like in your pocket? It feels like a third cock.
Guy: Ha! Jesus, how many cocks you got, Champ?
Cleon Salmon: Are you lampooning me, Meatdrapes?
Guy: Of course not, sir.
Cleon Salmon: Do you want a punch in the eye, Guy?
Guy: No, please.
Cleon Salmon: I can make your face look like a pie, Guy.
Guy: Oh God, no.
Cleon Salmon: [the Champ throws several feints at Guy's face, then accidentally punches him in the stomach] Excuse me, I didn't mean to do that.
The John: I am gonna stuff it in your ass tonight.
The Escort: Whoa, that's gonna be an extra fifty bucks.
The John: That's okay, shellfish makes me horny.
The Escort: Good, 'cause I got crabs.
The John: [scratches beard] Who doesn't?
Guy: Excuse me, sir?
[presents bottle of champagne]
Guy: Compliments of the house.
[customers cheer and applaud]
The John: [looking around] What is this, some kind of hidden camera thing? Are you miked?
The Escort: [taking offense] Are you miked?
The John: [addresses customers] I was just kidding about the anal.
The John: I was just bored at the hotel. I was looking for something to do with my cock. Perfectly natch. Come on, take a look at her, you wouldn't kick in that back door?
The Escort: I'm not ashamed.
The John: Fuck this!
Rich: Dave, can I get a re-fire?
Dave: What did you just say to me?
Rich: The guy at table five wants it cooked a little bit more.
Dave: No! They asked for it medium rare. It's perfect. If he wants it cooked more, tell him to go shove it up his ass.
Rich: You want me to tell that guy to cook this in his ass?
Dave: Yeah, within the inside of his anus.
Cleon Salmon: What the fuck happened to you?
Mia: I got burned... with soup.
Cleon Salmon: Don't you know you're supposed to blow on it first?
Mia: Yes, Champ.
Cleon Salmon: Well don't just stand there, get outta here, Soupface! You're offending my Tokyokan guests. Get me the smart girl!
[holding back tears]
Mia: Yeah, yeah... I'm, I'm going to get her for you!
Cleon Salmon: And tell her to bring me some champagne!
[to his table guests]
Cleon Salmon: I am so sorry, but her soupface scared the shit out of me. My voice is not that high.
Nuts: Hey noodledicks! These guys just ordered 4 rounds of premium tequila! Now are you gonna sit by and watch while these guys make you look like fucking pussies?
Donnie: Sounds like you're from the UK, are you in a band like Oasis or Herman's Hermits?
Cleon Salmon: [to Japanese translator] How do you say 'motherfucker' in Spanish?
Dave: Why do they call you Nuts?
Nuts: Because I'm crazy.
Dave: You don't look crazy.
Nuts: Oh I'm insane. You should see me without my meds. My last job, didn't take my meds one day... an hour later, I was walking around naked with peanut butter in my hair, telling people my name was Zongo. I delivered an old lady a cup of hot water with my balls in it.
Dave: [laughs nervously] Talk about your Red Zinger.
Nuts: Yeah, but I don't remember any of it. My balls were red though.
Cleon Salmon: Well, well. Looks like somebody's little acorn done finally grown into big nuts!
Marlon Spencer: Well, that is fantastic, Detective Shep Winford. Now why don't you track me down another drink? And tell them to put some booze in it this time, yeah?
Connor: Coming right up.
Samara Dubois: Are you sure you want another one?
Marlon Spencer: Yes.
Samara Dubois: Maybe a virgin rum and coke.
Marlon Spencer: That would just be coke.
Samara Dubois: Oh, that sounds delicious
Cleon Salmon: [to Donnie] Now get yourself out of last place or I'll use your spine for a jump rope.
Guy: What'd you do last night, playboy?
Nuts: I too had a wild night. I made sweet, hot love to an orangutan.
Guy: Really? What'd that smell like?
Nuts: Bananas mostly.
Nuts: Guy, I'm pulling your leg, I did not fuck an orangutan last night.
Connor: [to the bartender] This is for a pissed off movie star so give it some balls. Yeah that's it!
Nuts: Hola diablo blancos! Zongo like vodka!
Cleon Salmon: Get me a table or I'll use your nuts as cuff links.