Adrian Monk: Hey, thanks... Thanks for killing me.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey, that's what friends are for.
[as Monk taunts him about the loss of all his special privileges]
Dale 'The Whale' Biederbeck: Are you having fun?
Adrian Monk: No... but it's as close as I'm ever gonna get.
[after Stottlemeyer tells Disher that Monk is alive, just to get him to stop singing the funeral song he wrote]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You look disappointed.
Lt. Randall Disher: No, it's just... this is the best song I ever wrote.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, hold on to it. He's gonna die someday.
Lt. Randall Disher: But you're not gonna shoot him, sir.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You never know.
[Natalie tracks Monk to the car wash where he is hiding]
Adrian Monk: [trying to hide his face] Hola, senorita.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, I know it's you.
[she takes out a wipe and runs toward him]
Adrian Monk: What's with the wipe? Why do I need a wipe...?
[she hugs him and smothers his cheeks with kisses, then wipes them down]
Adrian Monk: Hello, Dale.
Dale 'The Whale' Biederbeck: Adrian Monk. Why am I not surprised?
Adrian Monk: I tried to call, but apparently your phone's been disconnected.
Dale 'The Whale' Biederbeck: Yes, I should have done it years ago! Fewer distractions.
Adrian Monk: I see they took your bed, and your computer.
Dale 'The Whale' Biederbeck: They were cluttering up the room. You know me, Monk: I've always been a simple man of philosophic joys.
Dale 'The Whale' Biederbeck: What did you win, Monk? Nothing! We're both back where we started.
Adrian Monk: Not exactly. The police in Dourado found some old letters in Frank Nunn's apartment. He talked about killing Trudy. He mentioned the man who hired him.
Dale 'The Whale' Biederbeck: You have a name!
Adrian Monk: Not quite. Nunn called him "The Judge."
Dale 'The Whale' Biederbeck: The Judge... I can't help you, Adrian.
Adrian Monk: Can't? Or won't?
Dale 'The Whale' Biederbeck: A little lead... how exciting! That should keep you off the street for a while.
Adrian Monk: The important thing is, that you're off the street.
Dale 'The Whale' Biederbeck: [laughs] Do you really think these bars can hold *me*?
Adrian Monk: [taps one with his shoe. It doesn't budge] Yeah. They seem pretty strong.
Dale 'The Whale' Biederbeck: It's true, Adrian Monk! I'm in prison! But you're in a worse prison! You're trapped! Trapped by your own demons! You're in your own private hell! I wouldn't trade places with you for a billion dollars! I mean, *another* billion dollars!
[Monk and Natalie walk away]
Dale 'The Whale' Biederbeck: You hear me? Come back here! I'm-not-done!
Adrian Monk: Oh, yes, you are.
Natalie Teeger: Oh, God! Why didn't you tell me?
Adrian Monk: To protect you. We thought Rollins might be watching you.
Natalie Teeger: Oh, that's ridiculous! Why would Rollins...?
Sheriff John Rollins: [appears] Adrian, don't move a muscle! Show me your hands! You too, Ms. Teeger. Oh, you are knee-deep in it now, buddy.
Natalie Teeger: You're the one who's in trouble! We know all about how you framed Mr. Monk and switched the gun barrels!
[Monk shushes her]
Natalie Teeger: If anybody is going to prison, it is you!
Adrian Monk: [dryly] Thanks for stopping by, Natalie.
Sheriff John Rollins: Let me tell you about the *real* world, Natalie. It's never about what happened, it's always, can you *prove* what happened?
Sheriff John Rollins: All right, Adrian, we've done this before. On the ground, face down.
[Monk starts to lie down, then yells and kicks an oil drum at Rollins. It rolls, *very* slowly, before coming to a stop a few inches short of Rollins's feet]
Sheriff John Rollins: ...What was that?
Adrian Monk: It was, uh... supposed to... supposed to go faster.
Dale 'The Whale' Biederbeck: Make me happy.
Sheriff John Rollins: She's on the move. Looks like a real road trip. She took her daughter to a neighbor's and packed a suitcase.
Dale 'The Whale' Biederbeck: Stay-with-her. She'll lead you right to him.
Sheriff John Rollins: What do I do when I find him?
Dale 'The Whale' Biederbeck: Do you really have to ask?
Sheriff John Rollins: No, sir. I do not.
[Stottlemeyer pulls a bomb out from under the Governor's car]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Clear these people out of here! Call the bomb squad.
Local Cop: Uh, we don't have one. But it's in the budget for next year.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't think we can wait that long.
[Stottlemeyer defuses the bomb under the Governor's car, then addresses the Governor's bodyguards holding Monk]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Could you take your hands off my friend, please? He's had a rough day.
[They release him, while Disher handcuffs Rollins]
Lt. Randall Disher: You have the right to remain silent...
Sheriff Rollins: Yeah, I know all that stuff. Let's just get the hell out of here.
[Monk looks at the Governor and his wife, who nod at him, gratefully. Monk nods back, then collapses into Stottlemeyer's arms]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [patting him on the back] Good job. Good job.
Natalie Teeger: [looking through Rollins's papers] No, wait. Okay, there's a check for $10,000 made out to Angel County Children's Center.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to Disher] Angel County Children's Center?
[Disher does a search on his computer]
Lt. Randall Disher: No such animal.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay, that check is dirty. Who wrote it?
Natalie Teeger: The Xanadu Corporation.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to Disher] Xanadu Corporation.
[Disher begins to type]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, "X".
Lt. Randall Disher: [reading] Xanadu, a division of the Orpheum Investment Group... which is owned by the Blue Danube Foundation...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Blue Danube Foundation?
Lt. Randall Disher: Which is owned by... oh, my God.
[Grimacing, Stottlemeyer lifts the phone to his ear... ]
Natalie Teeger: [to Monk] Who's Dale Biederbeck?
Mover: Was he a professor?
[referring to Monk]
Natalie Teeger: No, a detective. An amazing detective. He could look at a room or a person and see things that nobody else could see.
Mover: Like the Car Wash guy.
Natalie Teeger: What "Car Wash guy?"
Mover: That guy in Nevada. I was just reading about him.
[stops packing up belongings and picks up a newspaper]
Mover: Here, in today's paper. They call him the Car Wash Columbo. He solved a big hit-and-run case single-handedly.
Mover: Boy, he sounds like a real character. His boss says that it takes him a whole hour to wipe down every car. He won't even use the same rag twice.
Natalie Teeger: [stops packing up, having known a person with these behaviors] Can I see that?
[she looks at the article]
Natalie Teeger: There's no picture.
Mover: I guess he's modest, too.
Natalie Teeger: [reading the article] "Leland Rodriguez".
[puts down the paper, and her expression turns to anger as she realizes that Stottlemeyer faked Monk's death and never told her about him being alive]
Natalie Teeger: His name is *Leland*?
[Natalie breaks out of hiding, runs through the crowd, and attempts to climb up to reach the trigger on the detonator. Sheriff Rollins's deputies seize her and drag her down]
Sheriff John Rollins: [to his deputies] Drag her down.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [walks up with Disher] John Rollins! You're under arrest for murder, and conspiracy to commit.
Lt. Randall Disher: We know that you're working for Biederbeck, and that you framed Monk!
Sheriff John Rollins: Hey! You're under arrest! Obstruction of justice, aiding and abetting!
[to his deputies]
Sheriff John Rollins: Arrest him!
Lt. Randall Disher: [the deputies attempt to seize him] Get your hands off me!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [as the deputies seize him] I'm a Captain with the San Francisco Police Department! Arrest him!
[By that, he means Rollins]
Sheriff John Rollins: He's out of his jurisdiction! Arrest him!
[Referring to Stottlemeyer]
Natalie Teeger: Captain! The trigger is in the banner!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [walks into his office with Disher and notices Rollins reclining in his chair] Sheriff Rollins, make yourself at home.
Sheriff John Rollins: You read the paper today?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I did. I read the sports page, and did the jumble.
Sheriff John Rollins: Nah, not the jumble. This. Page 5.
[points to an article with the headline "Unidentified Body Found in Avalon Bay."]
Sheriff John Rollins: Male Caucasian. 5'1''.
Lt. Randall Disher: Is it Monk?
Sheriff John Rollins: No. It's not Monk. I was at the morgue last night. Guy had a tattoo. I thought it was strange.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What was strange?
Sheriff John Rollins: Well. I'll tell you what was strange.
[Gets up and walks over to Stottlemeyer]
Sheriff John Rollins: You weren't there. Bulletin was sent in. It was in the daily log. You must have read it. Well, I'll be sticking around the campus for a few more days, in case anything else washes up.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We can use all the help we can get.
Sheriff John Rollins: We've all got to suffer.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [Puts on an armband, and notices that Randy looking at him suspiciously] What?
Lt. Randall Disher: That's a good question. Why didn't you check it out?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Because I was busy. I was turning over rocks.
[takes out a file]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Trying to get a beat on that son-of-a-bitch.
[hands the file on Rollins over to Randy]
Lt. Randall Disher: [reading file] He just bought a second house near Catalina.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And a new BMW and look at this.
[turns a few more pages]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He's got two offshore bank accounts - on a sheriff's salary. Randy, that guy is dirty and I can smell it.
Natalie Teeger: [shows Stottlemeyer the article about the hit-and-run that Monk just single-handedly solved] It's him, isn't it?
[Through his gestures, Stottlemeyer means to say "yes, it is"]
Natalie Teeger: [sobbing] Oh, my god. Oh my god.
[Natalie's sorrow quickly turns to anger and she punches Stottlemeyer in the chest]
Natalie Teeger: Why didn't you tell me?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Natalie! Natalie! Natalie! Natalie!
[she calms down, but is still visibly angry at him]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I am so sorry.
Natalie Teeger: You're *sorry*? But how?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Bulletproof vest. We couldn't tell anybody.
[looks at the newspaper]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Leland Rodriguez, huh?
Natalie Teeger: That's his name.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well that's just stupid!
Natalie Teeger: What's he doing in Nevada?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He's supposed to be avoiding attention and staying off the radar!
Natalie Teeger: He's all alone?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Natalie, you can't tell anybody. You can't tell Randy, you can't even tell Julie.
Natalie Teeger: Randy doesn't know?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No. I'm trying to protect him.
Natalie Teeger: From what?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'm not sure. There's something going on here. That Sheriff Rollins, he *framed* Monk for shooting the six fingered man. You were there! They were going to send Monk away forever! And it's not just Rollins. Rollins is working for somebody. Maybe somebody in the Governor's office.
Natalie Teeger: Oh my god!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It may go higher than that. I'm not sure. I'm still working on it. I just need a little more time.
Natalie Teeger: I have to see him.
[She starts to walk out, but Stottlemeyer grabs her arm]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Natalie, leave him alone. He's safe where he is. You have to promise me you're not going to do it. Promise me.
Natalie Teeger: I promise.
[She is later seen packing her bags and preparing for a trip to Nevada]