- Emerson Cod: You need to tap that.
- Ned: This is Chuck's chance at having a family again. I can't... 'tap' that.
- Emerson Cod: Make it look like an accident. Trip over an ottoman. Dick Van Dyke that ass.
- Charles Charles: Besides, I HATE chocolate.
- Ned: How can you hate chocolate? Everybody at least tolerates it.
- Emerson Cod: Who are you?
- Willie Gherkin: Willie Gherkin, Smiley Realty.
- Emerson Cod: Uh... you lost your smile, Pickle.
- Emerson Cod: Well, hate to be a bitch, but ain't no way in the world I'm taking this case.
- Olive Snook: You think Merle McQuoddy murdered Nora?
- Emerson Cod: Merle McQuoddy's ship returned minus a few oars, making it a very easy leap from captain to killer. Nothing this kid had to say makes me think otherwise. Plus, I don't work in the rain.
- Ned: Clearly, you don't hate being a bitch that much.
- Augustus Papen: With her husband lost at sea, Nora couldn't afford the lighthouse upkeep. I used my family influence to declare it a protected historic monument. I appointed Nora the lighthouse steward and the McQuoddys its guardian until the family line dies out, or the sun swallows the earth in a solar flare, killing us all.