Emerson Cod: You need to tap that.
Ned: This is Chuck's chance at having a family again. I can't... 'tap' that.
Emerson Cod: Make it look like an accident. Trip over an ottoman. Dick Van Dyke that ass.
Charles Charles: Besides, I HATE chocolate.
Ned: How can you hate chocolate? Everybody at least tolerates it.
Emerson Cod: [to Olive Snook] Itty-bitty, you got me to love a rainy day again.
Augustus Papen: Such a depressing word, "diorama"... It has "die" in it... I like "rama"...
Emerson Cod: Who are you?
Willie Gherkin: Willie Gherkin, Smiley Realty.
Emerson Cod: Uh... you lost your smile, Pickle.
Emerson Cod: Well, hate to be a bitch, but ain't no way in the world I'm taking this case.
Olive Snook: You think Merle McQuoddy murdered Nora?
Emerson Cod: Merle McQuoddy's ship returned minus a few oars, making it a very easy leap from captain to killer. Nothing this kid had to say makes me think otherwise. Plus, I don't work in the rain.
Ned: Clearly, you don't hate being a bitch that much.
Augustus Papen: With her husband lost at sea, Nora couldn't afford the lighthouse upkeep. I used my family influence to declare it a protected historic monument. I appointed Nora the lighthouse steward and the McQuoddys its guardian until the family line dies out, or the sun swallows the earth in a solar flare, killing us all.