The Killer Turkey: Gobble, Gobble, Motherfucker!
The Killer Turkey: Nice tits, bitch!
Darren: Looks like I got something you don't, Turkey!
The Killer Turkey: What's that Darren... a vagina?
Kristen: OK, girl, get a grip. There's no such thing as an evil turkey. There is no such thing as an evil turkey. There is...
The Killer Turkey: ...No such thing as an evil turkey. Oh wait, I lied. Ha!
The Killer Turkey: Agh! That hurts! Shut the fuck up, you stupid bitch! I'm gonna drink your blood like cranberry sauce, meanie!
The Killer Turkey: [while having sex with Ali] Damn, that was good! You just got stuffed!
Darren: Turkeyologists all over the world know it as... Thankskilling!
Kristen: Her legs are harder to close than the JonBenet Ramsey case.
Kristen: [right after a girl has lifted her shirt and shown her bra] Pull yor shirt down, honey! It's Thanksgiving, not Titsgiving!
Darren: I'm gonna have sex with someone in this car. Yeah, for once, you know
[looking at his hand]
Darren: , it's not just gonna be by myself.
Ali: Come on! I mean, it's totally impossible for a turkey to kill a human, right?
Darren: [laughs] Oh... there are ways.
Darren: It was just a story, Kristen, I doubt it's even true.
Johnny: Mom, you know me and poppa don't talk anymore. Ever since I got put at second-string quarterback he hasn't even wanted to talk to me.
Kristen: My dad has a huge collection of books. I'm sure he has something on killer turkeys.
Billy: I hate books! Why can't it just tell us what to do?
The Killer Turkey: It almost did, but it didn't.
Johnny: He's dead... unless he fell in some radioactive waste. But what are the odds of that happening?
Kristen: Don't be silly, that only happens in movies.
Johnny: You know, in a way, I'm glad this happened. I may have lost my parents, but I gained a girlfriend.
Johnny: [as he lay dying] I wish I could call a time out...
Sheriff Roud: Oh, by the way, your stepmomma left me. Love you, bye!
Kristen: I guess I was just a little beaked out - uhh, I mean freaked out.
Billy: We gotta find a way to kill that cockblocking turkey!