Madeline McLean: The bonobo is the gentlest of primates.
Madeline McLean: They're great with sick children.
Madeline McLean: That's why I'm giving him to Abner! Were you wishing for a cuddle?
Abner Newsome: Actually, I was wishing for a butter knife, so I could pop out its heart and use it as my own.
Madeline McLean: Oh, Okay no monkey! Bobo!... How about tickets to Medieval Times?
Abner Newsome: On the list of things I'd like, cuddling a monkey and going to Medieval Times are right next to constipation and diphtheria.
Ned: Do you know you have a "tell" when you lie?
Olive Snook: Do I?
Ned: You answer questions with questions.
Olive Snook: Maybe I know I have a tell and I know you know I have a tell and maybe I'm doing it now to confuse you because you don't know what tell I'm telling.
Narrator: Olive Snook had been delivering pies for weeks, not realizing she was a homeopathic drug mule.
Emerson Cod: [about the coroner's sweater] Anybody ever ask you why you wear that sweater?
Coroner: My niece gave me this sweater last Christmas.
Emerson Cod: That thing's uglier than a chipmunk's ass.
Ned: [interrupting] He means the sweater, not your niece.
Emerson Cod: Why would someone get somebody a Christmas sweater for Christmas? You could only wear it that day.
Ned: He means should... only wear it that day.
Emerson Cod: Yeah. Either you got to take off what you got on to put it on or you got to wait another year for the next holiday season.
Coroner: Why you want to go toe-to-toe with me on fashion? Only thing I want to hear from you people is "Happy holidays, and here's your rent."
Ned: Happy holidays.
Emerson Cod: [sarcastically] Here's your rent.
[puts money in coroner's hand]
Coroner: Feels light.
Emerson Cod: You just stronger than you think.
Coroner: Mmmm hmmm.
Olive Snook: Boy, it's cold. You know, you could use a witch's bosom as a hot water bottle on a day like today.
Ned: Any sign of Chuck?
Olive Snook: [sigh] ...
Olive Snook: And how are you today Olive?
Olive Snook: I'm fine, thanks for asking, Ned.
Olive Snook: That was a funny joke about the witch's bosom, Olive.
Olive Snook: Why thanks, Ned!
Olive Snook: And I appreciate you using the word "bosom".
Olive Snook: Why Ned, because it's less offensive than other words?
Olive Snook: No, I just simply like the word bosom. I say it to myself all the time. Bosom, bosom, bosom. I just can't help myself, I'm a bosom-aholic.
Ned: How much does Olive know?
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Don't worry about what Olive knows. Even if I told her the truth, that - I died and you brought me back to life, she wouldn't believe me.
Ned: You don't know that.
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Yes I do, 'cause I told her, and she wouldn't believe me.
Abner Newsome: I heard on the new that that Narramore guy got whacked. He turned me down for a good heart once, so... he can pretty much suck it I think.
Emerson Cod: You don't seem to bereaved at his passing.
Abner Newsome: I'm not, not at all.
Emma Newsome: Abner!
Abner Newsome: Oh please tell me I'm a suspect! Awesome! Cause, cause you know what I did first? I took a magic potion to make the tissue paper sack I call my heart work, then I stepped on his neck with the soggy atrophied bread sticks that used to be my legs.
Olive Snook: After all the commotion, I peeped my peeper out the peephole, saw her get on the elevator and you taking the stairs. Take it you didn't catch her.
Ned: No. We were discussing phantom limbs and I blurted it out; it was like word vomit.
Emerson Cod: Then you slipped in that word vomit and you fell on your ass now you're covered in word vomit.
Narrator: The facts were these: Abner Newsome was a happy child... for the first thirty-four seconds of his life.