Emerson Cod: The truth ain't like puppies: a bunch running around and you pick your favorite.
Ned: Candy might be sweet, but it's a traveling carnival blowing through town. Pie is home. People always come home.
Emerson Cod: An attractive man who makes pies for a living shouldn't even spend a short amount of time in prison.
Ned: It's my fault Chuck's father is dead. I should just tell her.
Emerson Cod: Well, that idea might make a stupid idea feel better about itself.
Narrator: Sometimes a crime of passion is not realizing the passion in time.
Olive Snook: Can I ask you a question? If you loved me...
Alfredo Aldarisio: Yes?
Olive Snook: And we could never, ever, ever touch, wouldn't you eventually get over it and move on letting someone else have the slightest hope that you might move on to them?
Alfredo Aldarisio: If I loved you?
Olive Snook: Yeah.
Alfredo Aldarisio: Then I would love you in any way I could. And if we could not touch, then I would draw strength from your beauty. And if I went blind, then I would fill my soul with the sound of your voice and the contents of your thoughts until the last spark of my love for you lit the shabby darkness of my dying mind.
Olive Snook: Eh, forget it.
Billy Balsam: I like the stutter. It was off-putting and odd.
Dilly Balsam: Amateurs.
Olive Snook: Wouldn't it just rock and roll if liking someone meant they had to like you back? Of course that'd be a different universe and something else would probably suck.
Olive Snook: There's no alarm system. Got a credit card?
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Why? You know how to pick locks?
Olive Snook: No. You're gonna need to pay for the damages.
Olive Snook: Oh, isn't it great we can joke? Now that we that we know that there's nothing going on between us and never was. It can be funny. I bet this sort of thing happens all the time between adults. Mixed romantic messages. In no time we'll be looking back and laugh until we wet the rug. Which we'll then want to shampoo. Couple times. Possibly three, depending on what we were drinking.