Phil Wenneck: Tracy, it's Phil.
Tracy Garner: Phil, where the hell are you guys? I'm freaking out.
Phil Wenneck: Yeah, listen, uh... we fucked up.
Tracy Garner: What are you talking about?
Phil Wenneck: The bachelor party. The whole night. It's... Things got out of control and, uh... we lost Doug.
Tracy Garner: What?
Phil Wenneck: We can't find Doug.
Tracy Garner: What are you saying, Phil? We're getting married in *five hours*.
Phil Wenneck: Yeah... that's not gonna happen.
Phil Wenneck: Whose fucking baby is that?
Stu Price: Alan, are you sure you didn't see anyone else in the suite?
Alan Garner: Yeah, I checked all the rooms... no one's there. Check its collar or something.
Alan Garner: Hey, Phil, look.
[laughs hysterically while miming the baby masturbating]
Alan Garner: He's jackin' his little weenis.
Phil Wenneck: [laughs a little] Pull yourself together, bro.
Alan Garner: [stops the baby] Not at the table, Carlos.
Alan Garner: [while picking up Phil at the school where he works] Did you have to park so close?
Doug Billings: Yeah, what's wrong?
Alan Garner: I shouldn't be here.
Doug Billings: Why is that, Alan?
Alan Garner: I'm not supposed to be within two hundred feet of a school... or a Chuck E. Cheese.
Mr. Chow: So long, gay boys!
Black Doug: It's funny, 'cause just the other day, me and my boy, we was wonderin' why they even call 'em roofies. Y'know what I'm talkin' 'bout?
Stu Price: No. Don't know what you're talkin' 'bout.
Black Doug: Why not floories, right? 'Cause when you take 'em, you're more likely to end up on the floor than the roof. What about groundies? That's a good new name fo' 'em.
Alan Garner: Or how 'bout rapies?
Phil Wenneck: [his answering machine message] Hey, this is Phil. Leave me a message, or don't, but do me a favor: don't text me, it's gay.
Stu Price: [while Alan adds pepper to the roofied steak] Why are you peppering the steak? You don't know if tigers like pepper.
Alan Garner: Tigers *love* pepper. They hate cinnamon.
Phil Wenneck: Would you please put some pants on? I feel weird having to ask you twice.
Melissa: I just wish your friends were as mature as you.
Stu Price: They are mature, actually. You just have to get to know them better.
Phil Wenneck: [yells from outside] Paging Dr. Faggot. Dr. Faggot!
Stu Price: I should go.
Melissa: That's a good idea, Dr. Faggot.
Alan Garner: Hey what's that on your arm?
Stu Price: Oh my God - Phil, you were in the hospital last night.
Phil Wenneck: Yeah, I guess I was.
Alan Garner: Are you okay?
Phil Wenneck: [while driving a squad car on the sidewalk and using the loudspeaker] Ma'am, in the leopard dress, you have an amazing rack.
Phil Wenneck: I should have been a fucking cop.
Alan Garner: It was a real pleasure meeting you.
Melissa: Fuck off!
Alan Garner: I'm thinking about getting my bartender's license.
Melissa: Suck my dick.
Alan Garner: No, thank you.
Stu Price: [playing piano and singing passionately] What do tigers dream of when they take their little tiger snooze? Do they dream of mauling zebras, or Halle Berry in her Catwoman suit? Don't you worry your pretty striped head, we're gonna get you back to Tyson and your cozy tiger bed. And then we're gonna find our best friend Doug, and then we're gonna give him a best friend hug. Doug, Doug, oh, Doug, Dougie, Dougie, Doug, Doug! But if he's been murdered by crystal meth tweakers,
Stu Price: well then we're shit out of luck.
Mr. Chow: You wanna fuck on me?
Mr. Chow: [as he closes his car window slowly, his head trails the closing gap] Toodle-oo, motherfuckers.
[whoops like a native]
Phil Wenneck: You're not really wearing that are you?
Alan Garner: Wearing what?
Phil Wenneck: The man purse. You actually gonna wear that or are you guys just fuckin' with me?
Alan Garner: It's where I keep all my things. Get a lot of compliments on this. Plus it's not a purse, it's called a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one.
Phil Wenneck: So does Joy Behar.
Alan Garner: Do you know if the hotel is pager friendly?
Lisa: What do you mean?
Alan Garner: I'm not getting a sig' on my beeper.
Lisa: I'm not sure.
Alan Garner: Is there a payphone bank? Buncha payphones? Business.
Lisa: Umm, there's a phone in your room...
Alan Garner: That'll work.
Mr. Chow: You gonna fuck on me?
Alan Garner: Nobody's gonna fuck on you! I'm on your side! I hate Godzilla! I hate him too! I hate him! He destroys cities! *Please*! This isn't your fault. I'll get you some pants.
Alan Garner: Hello. How 'bout that ride in? I guess that's why they call it Sin City.
Alan Garner: You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. But when my sister brought Doug home, I knew he was one of my own. And my wolf pack... it grew by one. So there... there were two of us in the wolf pack... I was alone first in the pack, and then Doug joined in later. And six months ago, when Doug introduced me to you guys, I thought, "Wait a second, could it be?" And now I know for sure, I just added two more guys to my wolf pack. Four of us wolves, running around the desert together, in Las Vegas, looking for strippers and cocaine. So tonight, I make a toast!
Sid Garner: Don't let Alan drive, because there's something wrong with him.
Doug Billings: Understood.
Sid Garner: Oh, and Phil either. I don't like him.
Stu Price: So, uh, are you sure you're qualified to be taking care of that baby?
Alan Garner: What are you talking about? I've found a baby before.
Stu Price: You found a baby before? Where?
Alan Garner: Coffee Bean.
Doug Billings: Tracy did mention we shouldn't let him gamble. Or drink too much.
Phil Wenneck: Jesus, he's like a gremlin. Comes with instructions and shit.
Stu Price: I look like a nerdy hillbilly!
Phil Wenneck: Fuck, I keep forgetting about the goddamn tiger!
Alan Garner: Hey guys, when's the next Haley's comet?
Phil Wenneck: Who cares, man.
Alan Garner: Do you know Stu?
Stu Price: I don't think it's for like another sixty years or something.
Alan Garner: But it's not tonight right?
Stu Price: No I don't think so.
Alan Garner: But you don't know for sure? I have this cousin Marcus who saw one he said it blew his mind I want to make sure I never ever miss out on a Haley's comet.
Alan Garner: Can I ask you another question?
Alan Garner: You probably get this a lot. This isn't the real Caesar's Palace is it?
Lisa: What do you mean?
Alan Garner: Did, umm... did Caesar live here?
Alan Garner: I didn't think so.
Doug Billings: Either way, you gotta be super smart to count cards, buddy, okay?
Alan Garner: Oh, really?
Doug Billings: It's not easy.
Alan Garner: Okay, well, maybe we should tell that to Rain Man, because he practically bankrupt a casino, and he was a retard.
Stu Price: What?
Alan Garner: He was a retard.
Doug Billings: [pronounces properly] *RE*tard.
Stu Price: Here's something I would like to remind you two of: our best friend Doug is probably face down in a ditch right now with a meth head butt-fucking his corpse!
Alan Garner: That's highly unlikely.
Alan Garner: [looks at his manual] It says here we should work in teams. Who wants to be my spotter?
Doug Billings: I don't think you should be doing too much gambling tonight, Alan.
Alan Garner: Gambling? Who said anything about gambling? It's not gambling when you know you're gonna win. Counting cards is a foolproof system.
Stu Price: It's also illegal.
Alan Garner: It's not illegal. It's frowned upon, like masturbating on an airplane.
Phil Wenneck: I'm pretty sure that's illegal too.
Alan Garner: Yeah, maybe after 9/11, where everybody got so sensitive. Thanks a lot, bin Laden.
Woman in Elevator: [looks at the baby] Oh, how cute. What's his name?
Phil Wenneck: Ben.
Alan Garner: Carlos.
Sid Garner: Remember, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Except for herpes. That shit'll come back with you.
Stu Price: That is not Doug.
Mr. Chow: What're you talking about, Willis? That him!
Stu Price: No, I'm sorry, Mr. Chow, that's not our friend, he... it's...
Alan Garner: The Doug we're looking for is a white.
Phil Wenneck: Stu, we don't have time for this. Look, let's go hook up with Doug, and we'll deal with the baby later.
Stu Price: Phil, we're not gonna leave a baby in the room, there's a fucking tiger in the bathroom!
Phil Wenneck: It's not our baby.
Alan Garner: Yeah, I gotta side with Stu on this one.
[In the wedding]
Alan Garner: How's my hair?
Stu Price: That's good.
Alan Garner: It's cool like Phil's?
Stu Price: It's classic Phil.
Phil Wenneck: [after realizing that they have rescued the wrong Doug] GOD DAMN IT!
Alan Garner: Gosh darn it!
Phil Wenneck: SHIT!
Alan Garner: Shoot!
Stu Price: We don't want to call attention to ourselves!
Phil Wenneck: [while driving a squad car on the sidewalk and using the loudspeaker] Attention! Attention!
Black Doug: C'mon, man. I'll be your Doug.
Alan Garner: Guys. Guys. What about the tiger? What if he got out?
Phil Wenneck: Oh, fuck! I keep forgetting about the goddamn tiger! How the fuck did he get in there?
Stu Price: I don't know, because I don't remember.
Phil Wenneck: Shh! Stu. Stu, keep it down.
Alan Garner: One of the side effects of roofies is memory loss.
Stu Price: You are literally too stupid to insult.
Stu Price: Don't let the beard fool you. He's a child!
Alan Garner: [repeatedly singing] And we're the three best friends that anyone could have!
Stu Price: [after learning the hotel room they had reserved only had 2 beds] Phil, we're not even going to be in the room. It's one night, we can share beds. It's no big deal.
Alan Garner: Uh, if we're sharing beds, I'm bunking with Phil. You cool with that?
Phil Wenneck: No, I'm not cool with that.
Phil Wenneck: Who's this?
Doug Billings: It's Alan. Tracy's brother.
Alan Garner: I met you like four times.
Phil Wenneck: Oh, yeah. How you doing, man?
Alan Garner: I want you to know, Doug, I'm a steel trap. Whatever happens tonight, I will never, ever, ever speak a word of it.
Doug Billings: Ok, I got it. Thank you. I don't think that...
Alan Garner: Seriously, I don't care what happens. I don't care if we kill someone.
Doug Billings: What?
Alan Garner: You heard me. It's Sin City. I won't tell a soul.
Stu Price: Why don't we remember a God damn thing from last night?
Phil Wenneck: Obviously because we had a great fucking time.
Stu Price: That's my grandma's ring. She made it all the way through the holocaust with that thing. It's legit.
Alan Garner: Hey, you guys ready to let the dogs out?
Alan Garner: Drivin' drunk. Classic!
Stu Price: We're in a stolen cop car with what is sure to be a missing child in the back. What part of this is cool?
Alan Garner: I think the cop car part's pretty cool.
Alan Garner: There's a jungle cat in the bathroom!
[Phil walks into the bathroom, then hurries out]
Phil Wenneck: Holy fuck, he's not kidding! There's a tiger in there!
Old Timer at Gas Station: [whistles at the Mercedes as Alan pumps gas] Boy, you've got a sweet ride there.
Alan Garner: Don't touch it. Don't even look at it. Go on, get out. You heard me. Don't look at me, either.
[the old man walks away]
Alan Garner: Yeah. You better walk on...
Phil Wenneck: [to Doug, inside the gas station] He's actually kind of funny.
Doug Billings: Yeah, he means well.
Alan Garner: [in the background] I'll hit an old man in public.
Stu Price: She's got my grandmother's Holocaust ring!
Alan Garner: I didn't know they gave out rings at the Holocaust.
Phil Wenneck: The Best Little Chapel... do you know where that is?
Dr. Valsh: I do, it's at the corner of get a map and fuck off. I'm a doctor, not a tour guide.
Doug Billings: We look at these pictures together, OK? One time. And then we delete the evidence.
Stu Price: I say we delete it right now.
Phil Wenneck: Are you nuts? I want to find out how I went to the hospital. Is that in there?
Alan Garner: Yeah it's in there!
Doug Billings: Guys, one time. Deal?
Phil Wenneck: Deal!
Stu Price: Deal.
Alan Garner: OK.
[the four of them look into the camera]
Stu Price: Oh dear Lord!
Alan Garner: That's classic!
Mike Tyson: By the way man, where you get that cop car from?
Stu Price: We uh, stole it from these dumbass cops.
Mike Tyson: *Nice*!
Mike Tyson: *Nice*! High five there!... That's nice!
Stu Price: [soothing a crying baby] We're going to be okay. Everything's going to be ok, alright?
[tuning in panic to Phil and Alan]
Stu Price: WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?
Eddie Palermo: Listen to me, I'm gonna' tell you something. I know some sick people in my life, this guy is the craziest, wildest bastard I ever met in my life!
Alan Garner: What if Doug's dead? I can't afford to lose somebody close to me again, it hurts too much. I was so upset when my grandpa died.
Phil Wenneck: How'd he die?
Alan Garner: World War II.
Phil Wenneck: Died in battle?
Alan Garner: No, he was skiing in Vermont, it was just during World War II.
Doug Billings: All good with Melissa?
Stu Price: Oh, yeah. Told her we're two hours outside of wine country, and she bought it.
Phil Wenneck: Don't you think it's strange that you've been in a relationship for three years and you still have to lie about going to Vegas?
Stu Price: Yeah, I do. But trust me, it's not worth the fight.
Phil Wenneck: Oh, so you can't go to Vegas but she can fuck a bellhop on a Carnival Cruise Line?
Stu Price: Okay, first of all, he was a bartender. And she was wasted. And, if you must know, he didn't even come inside her.
Phil Wenneck: And you believe that?
Stu Price: Uh, yeah, I do believe that, because she's grossed out by semen.
Stu Price: You know, everyone says Mike Tyson is such a badass, but I think he's kind of a sweetheart.
Alan Garner: I think he's mean.
Mr. Chow: Not so good now. Quid pro quo, douchebag.
Alan Garner: You hear that? The baby's name is Tyler.
Phil Wenneck: Yeah, I thought he looked more like a Carlos too, bud.
Phil Wenneck: Who was that guy? He was so mean!
Phil Wenneck: To a night the four of us will never forget!
Doug Billings: [on recording] Hey, you've reached Doug. Sorry I missed your call. Please leave a name and number and I'll get back to you.
Phil Wenneck: [drunk] Fuck this tiger!
Alan Garner: [while getting fitted for a tux] Whoa, watch it, pervert!
Doug Billings: It's ok, Alan. He's just doing your inseam.
Alan Garner: He's getting very close to my shaft.
Stu Price: You found the car?
Officer Franklin: Yeah! It was parked in the middle of Las Vegas Blvd. with a note that said "Couldn't find a meter, so here's $4."
Mr. Chow: Oh yeah? Why dont you suck on these little Chinese nuts?
[grabs his nuts with both hands]
Officer Franklin: I see guys like you in here every fuckin' day.
Officer Garden: Every fuckin' day!
Officer Franklin: Yeah let's all go to Vegas and get really fucked up!
Officer Garden: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Officer Franklin: Let's go steal a cop car because it'd be real fuckin' funny!
Officer Foltz: [giving kids a tour of the station] See kids, this is where we bring suspects in order to be detained. Trust me, you do not want to be sitting in these seats. We call this place "Loserville".
[shows Alan, Phil, and Stu, a fat kid comes and takes a picture of Alan with his cell phone]
Alan Garner: He seemed like a real straight shooter.
Stu Price: [about the cops after releasing them early] Fuck those guys! You hear me? That was bullshit! I'm tellin' everybody we stole a cop car! You can't just do that! You can't just tease people because you think it's funny! That's police brutality!
Stu Price: I'm getting a soda. You guys want anything?
Phil Wenneck: No.
Mike Tyson: [to Phil] Like you said - we all do dumb shit when we're fucked up.
Phil Wenneck: [on video surveillance] Check it out. Stu! Stu, fuck this tiger!
Mike Tyson: Aw, man! Who does shit like that, man?
Phil Wenneck: Someone who has a lotta issues, obviously. I'm a sick man.
[Alan falls from the window of the car because the door on the passenger side doesn't open]
Mr. Chow: [laughs obnoxiously] Funny fat guy fall on face!
Phil Wenneck: [a kid tries to ask him a question at school] It's the weekend, Budnick. I don't know you. You do not exist.
Phil Wenneck: [leaving the school at which he teaches] Would you shut up and drive, before any of these nerds asks me another question.
Melissa: Why would you go to Las Vegas?
Stu Price: 'Cause my best friend was getting married, and that's what guys do.
Melissa: That's not what *you* do.
Stu Price: Really? Well, then why did I do it? Huh? 'Cause I did it! Riddle me that! Why'd I do it? You know, sometimes I think all you want me to do is what you want me to do. Well, I'm sick of doing what you want me to do all the time. I think, in a healthy relationship, sometimes a guy should be able to do what he wants to do.
Melissa: That is not how this works!
Stu Price: Oh, good! Because whatever this is ain't workin' for me!
Melissa: Oh, really? Since when?
Stu Price: Since you fucked that waiter on your cruise last June! BOOM!
Alan Garner: You told me it was a bartender.
Stu Price: Oh! You're right. I stand corrected. It was a bartender. You fucked a bartender.
Melissa: You're an idiot!
Stu Price: You're a - You...
Stu Price: You're... such a bad person! Like, all the way through to your core!
Officer Garden: [to Phil, Stu, and Alan, after they are taken in for stealing a police car] Think you gon' get away with it? Not up in here!
Officer Franklin: [lividly] Not up in here!
Officer Franklin: [to a group of schoolchildren] Ok, kids, you're in for a real treat today. These gentlemen have kindly volunteered to demonstrate how a stun gun is used to subdue a suspect... Now, there's two ways to use a stun gun: up close and personal
[tasers Stu in the neck; Stu collapses]
Officer Franklin: ... or you can shoot it from a distance. Now, do I have any volunteers? You want to come up here and do some shooting, huh? Alright. How about you, young lady? Come on up here.
Officer Franklin: Alright. Let's go, handsome. Come on.
[Alan steps forward]
Officer Franklin: Not you, fat Jesus. Slide it on back.
Officer Franklin: You, pretty boy.
Officer Franklin: [to girl] Alright. Now, it's real simple. All you got to do is point, aim and shoot. Alright?
Phil Wenneck: You don't really want to do this.
Officer Franklin: You can do this. Just focus.
Phil Wenneck: Don't listen to this maniac. Let's think this thing through.
Officer Franklin: *Finish him!*
[the girl tasers Phil]
Officer Franklin: Right in the nuts! That was beautiful! Well done! Giver her a hand, everybody. Good job! Well done! Good job! That was great!
Officer Franklin: Look, hey, we got one more charge left. Anybody want to do some shooting up here? How about you, big man? Come on up here. Okay, same instructions: just point, aim and shoot. There y'go. That's the stuff. I like the intensity, eye of the tiger. You're holding 50,000 volts, little man. Don't be afraid to ride the lightning.
[the kid tasers Alan]
Officer Franklin: *In the face! In the face!*
Stu Price: I'll tell you another thing - 6 to 1 odds our car is beat to shit.
Phil Wenneck: Come on Stu.
Stu Price: No seriously how much you want to bet it's fucked up beyond all recognition?
Alan Garner: [after Chow crushes his bag] Hey, there's skittles in there!
Stu Price: I lost a tooth! I married a whore!
Stu Price: This does not seem fair.
Phil Wenneck: It's rock-paper-scissors. There's nothin' more fair.
Stu Price: By the way, we're all gonna die.
Mr. Chow: It's funny because he's fat!
Stu Price: They are mature, you just have to get to know them better...
Mr. Chow: I want my purse back, assholes.
Phil Wenneck: What, your purse?
Alan Garner: That's not a purse. That's a satchel!
Mr. Chow: It's a purse! Okay? And you steal from wrong guy!
Mike Tyson: This is my favorite part coming up right now.
Stu Price: Whoah, we're not leaving a baby in the car.
Phil Wenneck: He'll be fine. I cracked a window.
Doug Billings: At least our trip wasn't a total loss.
Alan Garner: Why do you say that?
Doug Billings: While I was stuck on the roof I found about 80,000 dollars worth of Bellagio chips in my pocket. Looks like we're heading home with some money, boys!
Phil Wenneck: [after seeing the ring that Stu plans on giving Melissa] What the hell is that?
Stu Price: What's it look like?
Phil Wenneck: If it's what I think it is, it's a big fucking mistake!
Doug Billings: She's not that bad.
Phil Wenneck: Doug, she beats him!
Stu Price: That was once, and I was out of line.