- [first lines]
- Ryan Malloy: What's wrong, sis? You look pale. You okay?
- Tiffany Malloy: No. I gave blood. And of course, then I fainted, and they had to give it back. You know, I really don't think my blood would be happy in a sick person's body.
- [slaps her arm where the needle had been:]
- Tiffany Malloy: Welcome back!
- Bunny: [cheerleader enters school library] Right! Come on, everyone! Let's see some school spirit!
- [starts doing cartwheels]
- Ryan Malloy: Oh, boy, I love that Bunny Muffovich.
- [to Tiffany:]
- Ryan Malloy: You know, there's something about a girl upside-down in a pleated skirt that makes you wanna drive a big truck.
- [as Tiffany looks at him:]
- Ryan Malloy: You know, over a bridge. Or maybe through a tunnel. Yeah, a tunnel!
- Tiffany Malloy: Well... Go talk to her!
- Ryan Malloy: I'm gonna go talk to her! How do I look? Nose clear?
- [tilts his head back]
- Tiffany Malloy: [has little flashlight handy] Uh, just keep your head down.
- Ryan Malloy: [approaches blonde girl] Hello, dear. Would you allow me to, uh, buy you a cookie, or some turn of the century peanut butter crackers?
- Bunny: You honestly think I'd eat something with you?
- Ryan Malloy: I was just being polite. Shall we go right to bed?
- Bunny: I'm sorry, I'm busy every night for the rest of my life.
- [turns her back on Ryan]
- Tiffany Malloy: [Ryan slumped back to her dejectedly] Well?
- Ryan Malloy: She's busy every night.
- Tiffany Malloy: That is so rude! You went to the trouble of keeping your head down for her. The least she can do is come up with a believable excuse for you. You go back over there and you make her *work* to turn you down!
- Ryan Malloy: [marches back, confronts the girl] Busy doing *what?*
- Bunny: I work.
- Ryan Malloy: All right. Well, I'll come visit you at work.
- Bunny: You can't! Because I'm a... I'm a... a... a vampire slayer!
- Ryan Malloy: A vampire slayer? Well, I killed a vampire once. Actually, it was a vampire cat. No, it was a vampire kitten. No, it was just a regular kitten. A wuvable widdle kitten.
- [raises up his face]
- Ryan Malloy: Little squished kitty in heaven, please forgive Ryan...!
- Bunny: If you'll excuse me, I have to go somewhere where you aren't.
- [does more cartwheels]
- Bunny: Go, Northridge!
- Ryan Malloy: [notices banana peel lying on floor, and his thoughts are heard:] No! No! Bunny the Slayer might slip and get hurt. Must save. I know, I'll knock the banana peel out of the way with these marbles.
- [which of course has disastrous consequences]
- Tiffany Malloy: I hate vampires! I know it's irrational, I know it doesn't make any sense, but I know it's true! Vampires exist! How else do you explain Yoko Ono and Priscilla Presley living off the dead? I don't like vampires!
- Ryan Malloy: Yeah, but they like you. They go for pale virgins, you know. Much different from your average guy.
- Tiffany Malloy: [as her little brother enters] Hey, Ross, do you believe in vampires?
- Ross Malloy: Of course I do. How else do you explain Yoko Ono and Priscilla Presley living off the dead?
- Ryan Malloy: [to the mangled heap] So, guess you won't be slaying any more vampires, huh? How about going out with me on Friday night?
- Bunny: No!
- Ryan Malloy: Come on, you're a cripple now.
- Bunny: Listen, I would, but somebody has to take over killing vampires every night. And that person is *you!*
- Ryan Malloy: Yeah, I'm not a vampire slayer.
- Bunny: Oh, yeah?
- [her hand strikes his cheek]
- Bunny: Now you are! I gave you the mark. Want some more?
- Ryan Malloy: Mark? Then it must be true. What a responsibility! Save the world! By that, I mean America. I am Ryan - vampire slayer!
- Jack Malloy: What's black and white and red all over?
- Mr. Floppy: The dead zebra in the garage!
- [laughs]
- Ryan Malloy: I've been given special powers.
- Tiffany Malloy: Oh, no! I'm not gonna sing another damn theme song. Remember when you were Lightning Boy?
- Tiffany Malloy: [from last year] Mild-mannered Ryan was sitting in the rain / when he got struck by lightning and now he's still the same / he's Lightning Boy...
- Ryan Malloy: I like it!
- Ryan Malloy: This is different. That Lightning Boy thing was just a... a big misunderstanding. This time I've been chosen. I'm gonna kill vampires!
- Tiffany Malloy: [hesitantly] Vampires?
- Ryan Malloy: I'm Ryan - Vampire Slayer. I know you're gonna roll your eyes and tell me there's no such thing as vampires.
- Tiffany Malloy: Oh, no, I believe in vampires. As a matter of fact, I'm deathly afraid of vampires. I have been ever since I was a little girl.