Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I can fire him. I can fire him now. I can fire him tomorrow! I don't even need a reason!
Dr. Gregory House: She doesn't fire me! She will never fire me! She needs me!
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: He's a good doctor. That's all I respect. His expertise and I...
Dr. Gregory House: She's hot for me. Always...
James: Shut up!
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Well that could have been either of us.
James: You have great ya-boos.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Still could have been either of us.
Dr. Gregory House: You lose.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Chase won every bet. So, you're either being nice or you were in on it. What was your cut?
Dr. Gregory House: 50% and if you want to keep your new job...
Dr. Eric Foreman: I'll keep quiet.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [after Cuddy admits to changing House's Vicodin with laxatives] I'm not gonna fire Foreman.
Dr. James Wilson: I said make him think he's won. Find some other way to soothe his ego. Thing's big enough. There must be some corner you can polish.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Where were you two hours ago?
Dr. James Wilson: [little pause] Where were you?
[cut to House exiting the restroom]
Dr. Gregory House: [to Kutner] So now you've electrocuted yourself and set a patient on fire. I like the dedication.
Kutner: Thank you.
Taub: It wasn't a compliment.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah, it was. The insult comes now: You're insane! You either have an aversion to towels or you want pain. I think both. I'm thinking it goes back to high school gym.
Dr. Gregory House: Someone's gonna be miserable sometime. Accept it. That's how I stay so happy.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Your team is dealing with the Great Mayonnaise Panic of 2007. I'm worried it might spread to other continents.
Dr. Allison Cameron: You've been humiliated, treated like crap. You have every right to be miserable, but you're not. Because even those this job is insane and House is insane, you like it. You always have.
Dr. Eric Foreman: You know what's worse than a sanctimonious speech? A sanctimonious speech that's dead wrong!
Dr. Allison Cameron: See? You belong with House.
Taub: So... which of us sucks the most?
Dr. Gregory House: It's a tie.
Dr. Amber Volakis: Between?
Dr. Gregory House: All of you.
Dr. Amber Volakis: We're all fired?
Dr. Gregory House: None of you are fired.
Dr. Gregory House: War's not over until Foreman's gone!
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Foreman's not going anywhere!
Dr. Gregory House: And I know when my Vicodin's not Vicodin. Do you know when your birth control pills aren't birth control pills?
Dr. Gregory House: [yelling in the clinic after Cuddy has upset him] Who here doesn't have health insurance? None? None at all? Michael Moore was right. MRIs, PET scans, neuro-psych tests, and private rooms for all these patients. Fight the power!
Dr. Gregory House: Have you guys ever heard any of my metaphors yet? Well come on, sit on Grandpa's lap while I tell you how infections are the criminals, the immune system's the police. Seriously, Grumpy, get up here. It'll make us both happy.
Dr. Gregory House: So, um, if I need them, where exactly will Dr. Foreman be keeping my balls?
Dr. Gregory House: [to Foreman] Did you get a raise? Because then, you're a whore. Or you didn't because then, you're a stupid whore.
Dr. Gregory House: [last lines; to Foreman] Every one of those idiots got some insight about themselves from that pig salesman. Not one of them did anything about it. People don't learn. People don't change, but you did. You're a freak.