Clerks III (2022)
Jeff Anderson: Randal
Photos
Quotes
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Randal : Jay and Silent Bob are like C-3PO and R2-D2. They've been here since the first movie, which was the last time they were cool, but they've been with the franchise so long, they still give them cameos and put them on the lunch boxes.
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Randal : You're not even supposed to be here today.
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[tearfully]
Randal : You're my hero, Dante.
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Randal : You saved my life, man. Wish I had a life worth saving.
Dante : What are you talking about?
Randal : I sit around and watch the same movies, over and over.
Dante : I always thought you could have made a cool movie.
Randal : You're right. I'm living on borrowed time. No more watching movies. I'm gonna make a movie!
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Randal : I can't catch my breath, man.
Elias : Really? Should I try mouth stuff?
Randal : What is this, a Tinder date? Get off me.
[Dante walks in just as Randal collapses to the ground]
Randal : Oh, shit!
Elias : Mr. Dante!
Dante : [dialing 911 on his cell phone] I need an ambulance at the Quick Stop!
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Randal : What's a butt thief?
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Dante : Oh, would you Shut the fuck up!
Randal : That's not the line, man. What are you doing?
Dante : My whole life, you've been running your mouth a million miles an hour and saying absolutely nothing! I gotta listen to you talk shit about everybody and everything, you'd think as if the world's waiting for you to weigh in! Nobody fucking cares!
Randal : Oh, real nice, pal! Get me all worked up cuz it's not like I had a heart attack and almost...
Dante : Died! I almost died! From a heart attack! Did I not mention that a couple thousand times yet?
Randal : Fuck you!
Dante : Hey everybody, look at me! I'm the boy who lived! So I gotta make a movie all about what a relentless fucking asshole I am to everybody I ever met, especially my so-called fucking friends!
Randal : Oh, we're not friends anymore, man. You can fucking believe that shit.
Dante : Good! Cuz if we're not friends, I don't have to worry anymore what the cold hard truth might do to your poor wittle heart!
Randal : Don't worry about me, pal. I'll be just fine.
Dante : So can I can be completely honest with you?
Randal : Oh please. Be completely honest.
Dante : You think you deserve a movie?
Randal : Yeah.
Dante : What did you ever do in life but watch it? And mock it?
Randal : What have YOU ever fucking done?
Dante : *I* had a life. I was this close to happily ever after and then... one drunk driver later... my movie's over. Forever. No happy ending! No sequel! Not even a third fucking act! Just fuck you and, oh, by the way, fuck you! Credits. Ah, but hey, what's that compared to a heart attack? I mean, shit! You could've almost died, right?
Randal : Yeah.
Dante : Well, some of us did die. Some of us have been dead inside ever since. And then, just when I'm able to walk into this place without wanting to kill myself every day, you have an idea. You want to make a movie about *your* life. Oh, and you've been very clear about that. It's *your* life! Well, get this, you self-centered, gapping wound of a human being, with your insatiable fucking ego!
Randal : The fuck!
Dante : *Your* life is my life! I've been there with you, the whole time! And since you know how hard my life's been on me, did it ever occur to you that maybe I didn't want to relive that fucking life? So I quit. As your producer. And I quit... as your fucking friend. Cuz I'm not even supposed to...
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Randal : Can you give me one like Arnold Schwarzenegger?
Auditioner : [as Arnold Schwarzenegger] I'm not even supposed to be here today!
Randal : But can you, uh, Pacino that shit?
Auditioner : [as Al Pacino] Hooo ahhhh...
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Jay : You know, there are million fines in the world, dude!
Randal : Millions of fines? What the hell, man? That's not the line. There's a million fine looking women in the world, dude.
Jay : There are a billion behinds in this world, dude! Whoo!
Randal : Not billions of behinds. A million of fine looking women.
Jay : You know, they're killing swines in the world, dude!
Silent Bob : Jesus fucking Christ, you non-acting fuck! I will do it myself! Ahem... You know, there's a million fine looking women in the world, dude, but... they don't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of them just cheat on you.
Jay : You all-about-evening fuck...
Silent Bob : Well?
Randal : Fasten your seatbelts. It's going to be a bumpy night.
