Adrian Monk: Call the Captain! Tell him to stop the orange truck!
Natalie Teeger: Where are you going?
Adrian Monk: I'm going after Santa Claus!
Natalie Teeger: [after him] No! Mr. Monk, no! Mr. Monk, are you sure? I mean, a hundred *thousand* percent sure? It's hard on me, too!
[Monk is pursuing a jewel thief dressed as Santa Claus]
Adrian Monk: [chasing] Stop him! Stop that man! That guy's not really Santa Claus!
Mother: Well, of course he isn't. How old are you?
Adrian Monk: [while being interviewed by Brandy Barber, he is shown a shirt that has come out in the hype of the shooting. It has a picture of Monk on it, and under it is a banner that says "WANTED FOR SANTACIDE."] I don't think "Santacide" is a word.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, you're forgetting something. I have the truth on my side. The truth is a beautiful thing.
Natalie Teeger: Oh, God...
Adrian Monk: [during a traffic jam] Oh, I hate Christmas...
Julie Teeger: How can you not like Christmas?
Adrian Monk: Well, you wouldn't like it either if you hated it as much as I did.
Julie Teeger: But it's so joyful.
Adrian Monk: Don't get me started on joy. When you're older you'll understand. Joy is a trick, a diversion. It doesn't last forever. It breaks your heart every time.
[honks the horn and yells out the window]
Adrian Monk: DAMN JOY!
Brandy Barber: The Star Of Bethlehem, a symbol of hope and peace to millions of people around the world, would have been lost to the world forever, had it not been for the courage of one man, former police detective Adrian Monk. Adrian? Brandy Barber, Channel 6 News.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, we remember.
Brandy Barber: How does it feel to be an American hero?
Adrian Monk: He's a... bad Santa. Very bad, bad, Santa. Bad, bad, bad Santa.
Adrian Monk: [about a murdered woman] I think I know who did this.
Natalie Teeger: Who?
Adrian Monk: [whispers] Santa Claus.
Natalie Teeger: Who?
Adrian Monk: Santa Claus!
Natalie Teeger: [crying] No, Mr. Monk, not again! No, please, nooooo...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It is December 19th, 3:45 PM. I am interviewing Adrian Monk.
Garrett Price: Garrett Price for Mr. Monk and I have 3:46 PM.
Garrett Price: I think we're going to be okay. I've been thinking about this. It's San Francisco. It's a godless town. Everybody knows that. That's why they visit. Hippies and heathens despise Christmas. All we need is a couple of witches on the jury, we're home free.
Adrian Monk: That's your strategy?
Garrett Price: That's just the beginning.