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|Index||17 reviews in total|
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
I don't know why I do it to myself with these crummy low budget horror
flicks. I could say that this is the worst low budget horror movie in
2008 but the year is not over yet.
Spoiler: Here is the whole movie in a nutshell: Paul Cade as a child steals a voodoo pen from a voodoo priest and drew a picture of a snake eating his father and the magical pen brings the snake to life and it does what it was drawn to do. Years later Paul grows up and is married and his wife is killed by hit and run accident caused by brainless suburbanites that make those horny teens in all those Friday The 13th flicks look like geniuses. Paul draws the snake again and it comes to life trying to kill all those kids and everybody in their path. Paul calls on the help of Nick(played by rapper DMX), the son of the voodoo priest whose pen Paul stole. to stop what he started.
Opinion: This movie is such a wannabe of Anaconda its pathetic. Think about it. Anaconda is about a killer snake, this "movie" is about a killer snake and they both star rappers in them. The only difference is that Anaconda had some form of suspense and Jon Voight to steal the show. The acting here is atrocious. Everybody is so wooden that you want to slice them open and count the rings. Even DMX gives a wooden performance here and I didn't even think that that was possible! I cant blame him though. The script must have been written by overzealous tween-agers because it sure sounds like it and the special effects are terrible as well. The CGI snake looks like dog droppings molded and shaped to look like a snake. every aspect of this movie fails. If you like watching bad movies try something else. This is not even so bad its good camp. Its so bad its shameful camp and is bad enough to make you question your own existence. Don't waste 76 minutes of your life like I did. Learn from my mistake and try something else!
In the countryside, the boy Alan and his friend Becky steal a creepy
wooden box with a powerful voodoo stick inside from his voodooistic
neighbor. When the boy draws with the stick, his drunken father is
attacked by a snake and vanishes. Years later, Alan (Louis Herthum) and
Becky (Lisa Arnold) are married to each other; while planting some
flowers to celebrate the death of Alan's mother, Becky finds the box
buried in the garden and she keeps the stick in her pocket. Meanwhile,
five shithead friends are traveling in the monster truck drinking beer.
The driver accidentally runs over Becky, but believes he had hit an
animal. When Alan witnesses the hit-and-run and sees his wife dead, he
uses the stick seeking revenge against the youngsters. Later Alan
regrets the use of the Kulev stick to bring Lockjaw to seek revenge and
decides to help the teenagers to kill the serpent.
The lame "Lockjaw: Rise of the Kulev Serpent" is a terrible movie, with a story that is a rip-off of the storyline of "Pumpkinhead" (a redneck that seeks revenge after the death of his wife (instead of son) by reckless teenagers from the big city) with a snake that recalls "Anaconda" with "Aligator" head. Most of the lines are laughable and near ridiculous and the CGI effects are very poor. My vote is three.
Title (Brazil): "Magia Negra" ("Black Magic")
What a god awful waste of time and television broadcasting bandwidth. This movie is an IQ test . . . if you watch, you fail. I thought nothing could be worse than Bone Eater... I was wrong. Nothing could possibly be worse than Mutants... I stand corrected. There were so many things wrong with this movie, not the least of which was the acting, there's just everywhere to start, and nowhere to finish. I've seen more realistic responses from a corpse than those generated by the rejects performing in this piece of trash. Why would anyone in the movie-making business let their name be associated with this thing? Anyway, do yourself a favor, sidle up to a piece of metal and watch rust develop... you'll be far happier.
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
(aka DMX Carnivorous. That is actual title on version I saw) Kid steals a voodoo pen that will cause what ever is drawn with it to be destroyed by a giant alligator like serpent. years later the pen is used by a man to get revenge on the kids who ran over his wife. Only DMX as the son of the man who had the pen before it was stolen can save the kids. Very silly horror movie that is yet another CGI snake killing people film. Its also a poor rip off of Pumpkinhead and any number of other films you've seen. What can I say this isn't a good movie. the actors try but the monster stuff and the convulsions of the plot work against it. My reaction while watching this was why am I watching this? I didn't know. you know you're in trouble when an 80 minute film seems to be heavily padded. I'd take a pass and avoid this film.
A group of bratty, narcissistic kids venture into the deep swamps of
West Bumblef&%k to go camping. These morons wind up running over the
wife of a guy (whom we saw in the prologue mess around with a voodoo
stick and unleashes a demon snake with an alligator head that killed
his father) So after the jerks do their little hit and run, the guy,in
a fit of rage, draws the snake/alligator thing eating the SUV they're
in. So naturally the demonic thing attempts to kill them one by one.
Thus making the film longer then it needs to be. Oh yeah and DMX is in
it very sporadically. Despite top-billings it's merely slightly more
then a glorified cameo.
Part killer snake flick, part "Pukinhead", ALL bad. I haven't been this bored or this mad at a so-called 'movie' in quite some time. This one has absolutely no redeeming values, bad wooden acting, atrocious special effect, the lamest dialog you're liable to hear in quite some time and an incredibly anti-climatic ending. It left a really horrid taste in my mouth. I've seen so many killer animal films and can safely say this was one of the worst.
My Grade: F
DVD Extras: A meager stills gallery (almost half of it devoted to DMX and his bazooka); trailer for this film; and trailers for Dark Reel, Baseline Killer, & Ghost Month
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
Alan Cade (decently played by Louis Herthum) conjures up a giant lethal snake to bump off the five teenagers who accidentally killed his wife Becky (a regrettably brief turn by the appealing Lisa Arnold) with their jeep. It's up to special ops vet Nick Kirabo (an extremely flat and wooden performance by rap singer DMX) to stop the gigantic reptilian beast before it's too late. Poorly directed by Amir Valinia, with slack pacing, highly variable acting, tin-eared dialogue (sample line: "You guys are total porklines"), laughably lousy CGI effects (the snake resembles a huge brown lump of excrement), a grindingly predictable plot (it's very easy to figure out who's going to live or die), and a limp and unexciting climax, this sour lemon of a dud crucially lacks the necessary trashy vigor to rate as a fun bad movie. Worse yet, the majority of the teens are grossly intolerable and obnoxious tools: Caleb Michaelson as the jerky Kurt, David Pullman as the equally repellent Clayton, Victoria Vodar as slutty blonde bimbo Ashley, and Derrick Denicola as annoying skateboarder Winston are all so utterly hateful that you just don't care what happens to them, thus negating any suspense this picture might have had. Since most of said characters drink booze and make out, they're obviously dead meat from the get go. Only Wes Brown as nice guy nerd Kelly and Lauren Fain as the sweet Sam offer some light relief. You know a film is exceptionally lame when the hot chick keeps her top on during the obligatory gratuitous simulated sex scene. A complete wash-out.
I'd give Lockjaw 1 star purely because IMDb will not allow me to rate
it any lower. 1 star is being extremely generous. The whole film is
terrible with wooden acting throughout, at times it's too painful for
words. In addition you have to endure the lack of continuity that runs
from beginning to end. As if the horrendous special effects don't make
it unbelievable enough.
I would seriously not recommend this film if time is remotely precious to you. It's an hour you'll never get back and will leave you questioning why on earth it ever made it to DVD. It cost £7 here in the UK which is absolutely shocking. I like cheesy horror films that manage to be awful but good at the same time. This can't even claim to be that, it is just genuinely one of the most ridiculously dire films I have ever seen.
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
Lockjaw: Rise of the Kulev Serpent starts as a young boy named Alan
(Brendan Aguillard) & his friend Becky (Abby Rao) steal the 'Kulev
Stick', a powerful ancient Voodoo relic from a house nearby. Back home
& Alan uses the stick which is actually a pencil to draw a giant Kulev
Serent which comes to life & kills his abusive drunk father (Tony
Senzamici). Jump forward a couple of decades later & Alan (Louis
Herthum) & Becky (Lisa Arnold), now all grown up, are married. While
collecting the post Becky is hit & killed by a huge 4x4 driven by five
out of town teens who are on their way to a camp, incandescent with
rage Aan uses the Kulev Stick once more to draw the Kulev Serpent who
once more comes to life to wreck revenge on those who has wronged him.
As the Kulev Serpent sets out to kill the teens only rocket launcher
wielding local Voodoo guy Nick (executive producer DMX) can save them &
stop the Serpent for good...
According to the IMDb this had a working title of The Corn Patch even though character's mention that the setting is in fact a Cane field on several occasions, directed by Amir Valinia I was going to describe Lockjaw: Rise of the Kulev Serpent as the sort of 'Creature Feature' that even the Sci-Fi Channel would be embarrassed to show but then I realised that the Sci-Fi Channel will show anything without any embarrassment but I will say it's pretty much right down there with the worst 'Creature Features' the Sci-Fi Channel has screened. The script is a bit of a mess really, for a start I don't care what anyone says I do not believe that you could hit a woman with a car & not one of the five people inside notice. How did Alan know what to draw? At the start he seemingly stole this Kulev Stick which is in fact a pencil & drew the Kulev Serpent in intricate detail with his father in it's mouth which actually happens in reality but how did Alan know this would happen? A lucky guess or just bad plain dumb plotting? You decide. Then there's this 'camp' that the teens apparently drive to, it doesn't look anything like a camp at all, it's a farmhouse in the middle of a Cane field! Then there's the DMX character who is a bad-ass Voodoo dude with a rocket launcher, I can see an Oscar nomination coming his way... The pace isn't too bad & at least it's short lasting not much more than 80 minutes but as a whole the silly plot, the clichéd & often annoying character's, the lack of horror or gore, a poor climax (what it that lamp with forks stuck on the end all about that Sam carries about?) & a lack of originality means you can skip this one.
At least the director keeps the camera still & steady as well as not using any annoying colour filters or bleaches so it looks alright if a little cheap. The CGI effects are quite poor by they are used sparingly & don't linger on screen for too long which does help. I think this is the only film I have ever seen where the first credit on screen is the 'directed by' one, even before the title of the film & the cast the 'directed by' credit comes up which is odd because it's almost always the last. It really doesn't make any sort of difference but it's so unusual I thought I would mention it. There's next to no gore, a brief impalement & a decapitation but nothing else. There's no nudity or scares either but then you probably guessed that already.
According to the IMDb this had a budget of about $4,000,000 which I find impossible to believe, this is not a $4,000,000 film & if it is where did all the money go? It looks cheap, there are few effects, no big name actors & no set-pieces either. Apparently shot in Port Allen in Louisiana. Despite DMX getting top billing he barely features & only really appears at the end while Wes Brown is not the same as the current Manchester United & England international footballer Wes Brown.
Lockjaw: Rise of the Kulev Serpent is a pretty rock bottom 'Creature Feature' with the usual poor CGI, an even sillier than usual plot, lack of proper blood, gore or action & a highly annoying teen cast who you pray will all get killed off by the twenty minute mark. This is just poor all round really & is right down there with the rubbish the Sci-Fi Channel usually put on.
As a child, Alan Cade steals a wooden voodoo box containing a magical
pen that has the power to make whatever is drawn with it become a
reality; years later, when a monster truck accidentally runs down his
wife Becky, Alan uses the pen to summon a monster to seek revenge on
the occupants of the vehicle, five friends partying at a nearby cabin.
Lockjaw: Rise of the Kulev Serpent (AKA Carnivorous) is a derivative straight-to-DVD piece of garbage that rips off its basic revenge plot from enjoyable straight-to-video 80s horror Pumpkinhead. But where Pumpkinhead proved to be a fun creature-feature thanks to solid direction from FX legend Stan Winston, a very cool monster (also by Winston), and a decent performance from seasoned pro Lance Henrickson, Carnivorous simply elicits boredom and unintentional laughter in equal measures with its uninspired script, inexperienced cast, and truly crappy beastan over-sized, poorly rendered CGI snake with an alligator's head.
Opening with an embarrassingly naff credits sequence, complete with cheesy lightning effects and statues with glowing red eyes, Carnivorous does not bode well from the outset, and matters only get worse from thereon in: director Amir Valinia sets up the film's back-story in an awful prologue that displays a complete lack of talent from its child actors (while also showcasing a neat array of dollar store Halloween props), before cutting to the present day, where he introduces viewers to his equally untalented adult cast, a bunch of total unknowns who are likely to remain that way if this is the kind of bilge they choose to appear in.
After some predictably dumb drunken shenanigans at the cabin, during which sexist jerk Kurt (Caleb Michaelson) gets a lap-dance from drunken big-breasted slapper Ashley (Victoria Vodar), Kurt's nice-girl girlfriend Sam (Lauren Fain) seeks comfort in the arms of good-guy Kelly (Wes Brown), and Ashley has sex with her boyfriend (but annoyingly keeps her bra on the whole time), the creature finally moves in for the kill. Several unimpressive death scenes later, ex-rapper DMX turns up with a rocket launcher and blows the 'snakigator' to kingdom come, finally putting an end to our suffering.
I saw this title on TV last night,I surprised that how be worst a movie like this ? There is no suspense, no horror, no twist and even not having a climax also ! No voodoo Magic shown as voodoo sticks are in the story. Even a magic created creature destroyed by a human made gun ? Wow ! I shut my mind until the end of movie and I could not see last the end due to such a waste time movie. I never recommended this movie to anyone. If any one try he will be disappointed. I suggest them to see 'Anaconda','Godzila' and 'Jurasic park'. I also thanks that this movie is not released as worldwide as theater version, otherwise no second show would have been screened at theaters.
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